Facebook one upmanship…


Pick out one of your friends on facebook. Next, copy and paste one of their posts, but change out the proper nouns. Try to take similar photos, share the same status messages from other websites. However, the twist is this, you have to make your status messages better than theirs. I mean, that’s the point of Facebook right?

How to behave at a Traffic Light

 

IMG_2647

Almost a wreck action shot

 

  • There is a white line indicating where you should stop at a red light. That is not for you, but for the car behind you. Get your whole car into the intersection!
  • If you’re the first car, now is a good time to check your smartphone and catch up on text messaging. This will allow you to miss when the light turns green causing the person behind you to beat their steering wheel until their hands are a bloody pulp.
  • If you’re second in line, watch the perpendicular light as it progresses towards it’s tertiary state. At the split second before the light ignites green, honk your horn mercilessly! If a response is not obtained in no less than nanosecond, start beating your hands on the wheel until they are a bloody pulp.
  • If you are trying to make a left turn and there is no leading green, gun it through the intersection before the other driver has a chance to start.
  • If you are trying to make a left turn and the light is about to turn yellow, get out in the intersection! Attempt to clip the oncoming cars rear bumper as your final act of aggression.
  • If you need to make a right and there is one car in front of you, use the sidewalk or grassy area.
  • If you are arriving to a 4-way stop and another car is approaching, it doesn’t matter where the white line is. It matters who stops first. One car could be at the white line, but if you have about 50 feet before you get to the white line and you stop first. Go! It’s your turn!

You should never eat at the Olive Garden

Parking for taking our spouse out for a date?

I first must state that Italian food is not my favorite, but if you like it that’s fine. It’s been about 12 years since I’ve been to an Olive Garden. I can tell you that it hasn’t changed a bit. A beautifully decorated restaurant with food that tastes like Marie Callender’s out of a microwave. I was really excited for the breadsticks they are proud of, however they tasted a bit odd. The olfactory aroma was similar to the inside of a brown paper bag.

The trick is they fill you up on salad and bread so you won’t be able to finish your meal. Then you take the bagged boxes out in public and advertise to draw more people into the restaurant. By the time you finish your leftovers you realize it wasn’t really that big of a portion. The best part of the meal was the salad however there was only one olive the entire bowl and not a garden of olives as I was expecting.

Service is still slow, but that’s because they are always crowded and fielding complains from the guests. I heard someone a few tables over say their food was disgusting. There was a 10 minute daily in getting our child menus and a 15 minute delay between two halves of our table being served.

Someone from my party actually got sick from their meal. I’m glad my Tour of Italy didn’t finish it’s route at the bottom of my toilet bowl.

The Customer is Usually Wrong

The customer is ultimately the one who gives you money, but that shouldn’t make them right. Customers should implore some common sense before they go asking inane questions to store associates.

I worked in retail for a few years at Office Depot and it was quite frustrating to deal with some people. Most of the time people would come in asking for ink refills or typewriter ribbons. I would ask what model they own and they couldn’t remember nor would they bring the empty with them. They bought it at Office Depot, so I guess that was enough.

Of course on the other end of the spectrum, if you work at a place you should know your store and what you stock. There have been times where I’ve asked someone at Best Buy where a certain item is located. They are quick to reply they don’t carry the item and go about killing time until their break or shift ends. I always make it a point to find the item, and locate said employee and show them the item they don’t carry. Then proceed to order it from amazon from my smartphone.

Recommended website. Not Always Right

How to sleep pain free through the night

IMG_0283

Wait, what?

Sometimes I wake up and feel like someone has bitten my ear off. Turns out, I’ve only been sleeping on my ear. I don’t know how it happens, but somehow my ear folds upon itself and the cartilage bends to become painful enough to wake me. It’s one of the worst pains I’ve felt while sleeping. It’s almost as bad as waking up with your calf muscle behind your kneecap causing you to leap out of bed only to find you can’t bend your foot to straighten it out.

So how do you sleep pain free through the night? Get your room as dark and cold as possible. I target my room temperature at 65 degrees and make sure no LED lights are illuminated. Blackout shades and curtains are a must for those pesky morning sun rays.  I also run some white noise. I use a Rainmate and squirt a few drops of essential oil in the tank to circulate a relaxing plume of lavender. I also pop a melatonin about 30 minutes before shuteye as to get some good REM sleep. With melatonin, be mindful of what you watch on TV before bed. One night, after watching Black Mirror, I dreamed that 3 of my friends killed themselves in three separate nightmares in a single night. Oh yeah, get a good mattress!

This meal will keep you out of the hospital

IMG_2402

Fish and Chips from Long Johns Silvers

There is no question that Fish and Chips is one my favorite meals. Whenever traveling I always look for a good basket of authentic old country goodness.

I think it all stems back to my childhood when I was having my double hernia operation. The doctors wouldn’t release me from the hospital until I stopped throwing up. It was due to the hospital food being quite terrible and bland. One evening, it seemed as if a super hero entered my room with a long flowing cape. Under that cape was Fish and Chips from Long John Silvers. Nothing that I remember has ever tasted so delicious. Needless to say the next meal that the hospital placed before me stayed down with no problem. Turns out, my stomach was missing an essential layer of grease that would help the bland food stick to my innards. I was released thanks to the healing power of Long John Silvers!

You can never stop drinking coffee

I don’t know why, but I decided to start drinking coffee in 2002. Having just started a new job, I was finding it difficult to adjust to the time zone difference, recovering from the move, and dealing with new co-workers. I called a friend who had commended something called a “press pot”. I started from there skipping over the whole drip coffee maker ordeal that my parents had when I was growing up. No wonder I never liked coffee.

At first I bought ground coffee. Millstone Foglifter to be exact. Then I discovered that the coffee tasted better if I bought the whole beans in the store and ground them and brought them home. Next I found out that I could grind my own beans at home right before brewing, big improvement. Then I figured out filtered water tastes even better with the coffee.

Next I formed an alliance with co-workers and formed a super-hero coffee club. We vowed to fight coffee injustice by only grinding the freshest beans and preparing the coffee at the right brewing temperature. It was a in-house debate which temperature was superior. I preferred 192.5 F and others preferred 185 F. We bickered about grind settings complaining that some were too coarse while others were too fine. We hurled insults if someone let the coffee steep too long, so we had to start using a timer.

We then discovered that we could roast our own green coffee beans. That opened up new layers of complexity that we could fight about. Roast settings, under or over roastings and how the coffee sometimes tasted like drinking boiled string bean water out of a brown grocery bag. I finally had to move away to a new job to get out of the coffee club. I now know the secrets to true coffee bliss. Throw a K-cup into a machine and drink the contents once it squirts out. So easy…