You can save a ton with coupons

 

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Coupon Fairy Delivered!

 

I’m not talking about saving a ton of money, but saving a bunch of time by not clipping coupons. Seems like every time I try to use a coupon the cashier reads the fine print trying to find a loophole so I can’t save 10%. I don’t clip coupons from a newspaper either. Yes, they still sell newspapers despite all the tree hugging that goes on in this world.  All the food advertised is terrible for you. I have yet to find a coupon for grassfed beef,  broccoli,  or a bag of pinto beans. Instead of clipping digital coupons and adding them to your BJ’s membership card, how about taking a play out of Costco’s book. Just put your items on sale.

Coupons make you spend more because most have a threshold to meet. You end up buying something you don’t need as a filler because you needed to spend $100 to get $20 off.  It’s real simple math, just take your hourly wage and calculate how much you lost because you could have been earning. Save a ton, don’t clip none!

 

Self Checkout Rules and Guidelines

Self checkouts are far superior to express checkouts because you don’t have interact with humans and let them handle your goods. Follow these simple tips to get in and out and back to your hobbit hole in no time.

No light items

Items must be heavy enough to register on the scale. Kool-Aid packets are a great example. Purchasing Kool-Aid also shows you make poor decisions, so getting in this line probably reveals this.

No Alcohol

At this point in our techological world of grocery purchasing, there is no dna test or retinal scans to prove your age. If a cashier has to come over to verify your age you are in the wrong line. Plus you need to buy your booze at liquor store so you won’t run into someone from your bible study class and pretend like you are just making beer chili.

Respect the Item Limits

Self Checkout is not for full buggies, crazy couponers or hoarders filling the fallout shelter for the coming apocalypse.

Know the Code

It needs to have a bar code! If you buy produce at least know the item number. If you have to tap your tuber by touch screen, pick a different line.

Items need to fit

Trying to lift a 60″ plasma TV onto the self checkout scanner is obviously not going to work. If the item is too large to fit on the scanner, you have failed us. Call the manager to be escorted from the premises.

Don’t move bags to your buggy

Some robo-scales get angry when you remove items from the bagging area. This only shows you have too many items to be in this line. Everything you purchase should fit in the bagging area. It even better if there is a hand held scanner and you can leave all the barcodes up in the cart.

Credit, Debit, or NFC Only!

No cash, no checks, no gift cards. I’ve tried (all except the check). Debit cards are great: swipe, enter your pin, grab your bags and receipt. Watching someone smooth out a crinkled dollar and feed it into the money bot orifice, makes me want to fling soup cans at your face.

Improving on Supermarket Express Lanes

Supermarkets have hit a log jam when it comes to express lanes. They seem like a good idea but they are fatally flawed because they only have one rule: Item Limits (which are always violated). Here are a few new rules that supermarkets should adopt to increase performance of the Express Lane.

High Performance Cashiers and Baggers

Cashiers that are knowledgeable of what they’re doing goes along way. Would it hurt a cashier to smile and at least pretend to enjoy employment?. Express lane workers should be like the Navy Seals of cashiers. It’s frustrating when a volunteer senior citizen works the express lane and considers bar codes “the mark of the beast” and laser scanners “apocalyptic weaponry”. Baggers need to know that bread, Clorox and ground beef shouldn’t co-mingle in a bag.

Accept only Debit Cards

Nothing is more frustrating than seeing someone whip out a checkbook to pay for five items. Cash is clumsy and no one can do simple math anymore. No gift cards either, 100% of the time there isn’t enough money to foot the bill, so that causes longer waits for your decision to write a check, pay with cash, or find your debit/credit card. Even credit cards take too long because people forget their own name and how to sign it.

Surcharge for going over the limit.

There should be a 50% surcharge for each over the limit item and increases incrementally for each item you go over. This will stop people with 100 items from getting in the 20 item or less line when their grocery bill goes all Fibonacci on them.

No Impulse Items

Remove all the candy and magazines so that people will pay attention when the grocery belt is open for them to place their items. Who cares what celebrity is overweight or having a out of wedlock baby with an alien.

No Cigarette Purchases

No lung candy since we are not allowing any other candy purchases in this line. Nothing is worse than someone finishing up their two item purchase and then remembering they need soft pack of reds. The cashier takes minutes opening the case and bringing back the hard pack which cause great anger in the customer. This cigarette volley goes on as you watch customers in other lanes with full carts leaving the store.

No “Valued Customer” card signup

If you already posses this card and have it at the ready then you are free to use it. However don’t query the cashier  entering five phone numbers because you forgot your card.

When your neighbors weed problem affects you.

I understand it requires much effort to maintain a lawn. However, if your yard is 90% weeds and it begins to creep over I think you could take care of your overgrowth. You could also take care of your clippings. I understand where the property line falls, but how much effort does it take for one small pass of the mower to compensate for your clover neglect. I guess I will have to be extra careful when I apply my weed and feed as to not damage your precious clover that you are eager to share.

The art of letting people down.

This is not a situation of you making a plan and then canceling if something better comes up. This is a situation were both parties don’t have solid plans and they both release their schedule at the same time. Yeah it happens.

People just don’t know how to say no. They also don’t know how to say yes. Heck, people don’t even say maybe anymore, they simple don’t respond. If you have two conflicting plans on your calendar and both are very important then someone will be disappointed.  If you are required to be at both places who do you let down? What is the best method? Do you tell them early and hope they understand or do you wait until the day of the event?

If you inform early you run the risk of them slathering on a think layer of guilt of how their event is not important to you. If that happens here’s what you do. A few days before the event, tell them that someone in your family died. Ask them again if you are still required to be there or can you  go bury your family member. Either way you probably want to break off that relationship.

What is the filthiest thing in the bathroom?

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I vote for whatever this thing is. What is the purpose? To help you tear the toilet paper off the roll? How much trouble are people having if they can’t tear toilet paper?

I doubt this thing ever gets cleaned and is constantly caressed by poop fingers. I guess the flush handle is really the nastiest item in the bathroom. If you don’t clean it everyday, you will now. You’re welcome.

How to win at Conference Calls

No roll call!

Start with “Who’s on the call”, that way everyone can start talking over each other. You could also let everyone annouce themselves once they beep in even if they are five minutes late and someone is already talking.

Arrive Early

Condecend as people join with phrases like, “Nice for you to join us” or “We’ve been waiting so we can get started”. You know, sayings to make them feel bad

Don’t use the mute button

Yell at your other coworkers to keep it down. If you work from home yell at your family. But if you must use the mute button, use it as a stall tactic so you can think of something to say when you are called upon.

Have a snack

If some schedules a call during breakfast hours (8am to 9am) or really anytime after, have nice crunchy snack. Don’t forget to leave your mic off mute.

Arrive Late

Tell everyone you just got the meeting notice even though it’s been on the schedule for days. You could also blame it on another meeting or that you were “heads down” working on a tough problem. Be prepared for passive agressive statements

Make sure people can see your screen.

Don’t trust the techology, after you share your screen make sure you ask the important followup question of  “Can you see my screen”.

Question the Question

Ask a follow-up question anytime someone tries to call you out. Redirection is your ally. Alway blame your faults on an insufficient functional spec or someone not on the call.