Go to Moe’s, Pei Wei, or some other fast casual restaurant when it’s really busy. Find an open table and park your family there while one person orders. Get your forks, napkins and drinks ready on the table in preparation for the food. If another family comes along with a tray full of food and there are no open tables, simply say you were here first even if you don’t have your food. If they refuse to move, sit on the floor and begin eating at their feet like beggar outside the kings gate.
I know you think you are being efficient, but it’s rude to skip line like a bully in the elementary school cafeteria. You know, the kid who steals an extra chocolate milk and eats off everyone’s tray even though he has government coupons for a free lunch.
Yeah, let me get that
Remember back in the days before Caller ID and *69 when you could call someone and say something offensive then hangup without any recompense? Well, now telemarketers have an arsenal of war dial devices at the ready.
My favorite is the lady who’s having trouble with her headset. The call starts with a “Hello, hello?” Then an apology that her headset isn’t working correctly and she asks for a confirmation that you can hear her. If you say yes then it’s a go ahead for her (the robot) to begin the sales pitch. The second time she called I said, “Didn’t you call me an hour ago?”. The robot replied, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that, can you please say yes or no”. Once I knew it was a voice activated prompt, I began asking all sorts of questions that she couldn’t process. Finally I talked so much that it disconnected me. However, I still get calls from time to time.
Typically, if I don’t recognize the number, I will just silence my phone or double click the power button to send it voicemail. If the caller is not in my contacts and it’s an important message they will leave me a voicemail. However, these robots are now starting to leave voicemails. My call block list is growing exponentially.
Every office has a manager or co-worker that constantly spews office jargon or buzzwords. Here are few that I’ve noticed and their real meanings.
C-level conversations – I used to think this meant having a discussion that everyone would understand. Think of a guru coming down from a high mountain sanctuary and coming down to “sea-level” so that they could explain it to the layman. Nope, it means “CEO type” conversations, the kind that gets you promoted real quick if you promise them things
Inside Baseball – I’ve got all the knowledge and I will use it to my advantage while sharing none of it
Team Player – Does the work of everyone else
Play Catch-up – I want to see what you’ve been doing while I was on vacation because I didn’t have the chance to micromanage you then.
Table the Issue – I don’t want to discuss this now this now because I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Devil’s in the Details – I know you are wrong, but I just don’t know how to prove it yet.
Play Devil’s Advocate – I want to rip your idea to shreds in front of everyone.
Putting Out Fires – Fixing the mistakes of others because of their incompetence
Low Hanging Fruit – Easiest part of the job that others volunteer for first.
Win/Win – In any outcome I will look good and take all the credit and you will still go unrecognized.
Brainstorming – I’m out of ideas and I need the group to give me one to steal
While at the pool I had a great idea for a new smartphone app. It’s called iDrowned, the Anti-drowning smartphone app. The app works in tandem with a bracelet. Attach the bracelet to your toddler that doesn’t have swimmies on. The app will alert you when your child has fallen into the pool. As an upgrade, you can have an option bracelet on yourself that sends out an electric shock once your kid begins to drown. This allows you to keep looking at your smartphone as long as possible while ignoring your child.
Get in the Hole
This is shouted from a par 5 tee shot. Maybe more appropriate when someone is on the green or chipping and the ball brushes past the hole. Nah, it’s never good to say this. It’s just annoying.
Drive for show, putt for dough
This is said as a passive-aggressive insult whenever you outdrive your playing partner. Works out well if you put your next shot near the pin and tap in for birdie or eagle. Hopefully, after they’ve 3 putted for double bogey they will shut up.
Whenever someone lands in the sand trap some will reference one of the following phrases. “Nice day for the beach”, “Did you bring your sunscreen?”
“Get your snorkel” or “That one didn’t skip.”
When you hit a good shot
“That’s a golf shot right there”. But aren’t they all golf shots? Even the ones that skip across the green from a bladed chip shot that goes into the greenside bunker or lake filled with alligators and snapping turtles?
Mentioning your score
Don’t ever mention your score to someone after the round. For example when you say, “I shot an 85”, someone will chime in, “Well, what did you shoot on the back nine?” Hilarious every time.
Tanker full of coffee? Grab a nozzle!
In this part of the country, I look out for Pilot or Flying J. I prefer those stores because they have relatively clean restrooms and a wide variety of beverages and food selections. Flying J Pilot stores have coffee that will flap your eyelids to your forehead like the old vinyl window shades at your grandmother’s house. I mix Pilot Dark roast with their Intense blend and throw in a Stok espresso shot it’s enough to keep you awake far beyond your destination.
Back in the college days before I drank coffee, it was Pepsi Big Slams and No-Doze for the long road trips. As long as I can remember I would choose a Pepsi product, Slim Jims, and white cheddar popcorn. Maybe some Doritos now and again. One of the biggest problems with eating chips in the car is there is never enough roof clearance to tilt the bag and drink the crumbs. Well, maybe if you buy the small bags.
Don’t reserve the seats outside the theater
Why does something get compared to sliced bread whenever it’s considered the best new thing? With a good knife, bread is easy to slice. However, if I had to pick something as the best thing since sliced bread then I’m going to go with reserved theater seating. I’m so glad that my local theater has deployed this method of sitting. Using your smartphone to pick the seat you want as soon as tickets go on sale is super convenient. It allows for dinner time beforehand without the pressure of waiting in a line that snakes out the door. It also allows you to skip the 20 minutes of previews that you’ve already seen on Youtube. During that time people have polished off their trough of popcorn so you can skip the part where it sounds like everyone around you is eating wicker furniture.
So what happens when you get to your seat and someone is perched there? It hasn’t happened yet, but in our age of entitlement and equality, it’s only a matter of time before someone complains that it’s not fair that you got the best seat in the house. You know, because you planned ahead.