What’s better than Gatorade?

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This sports drink is all on every golf hole, it’s free but tastes terrible. It does leave your mouth feeling really clean. They should really work on the dispenser, hard to quench the thirst with the current delivery method.

When to hold in a fart?

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St. Louis Gateway
Fart Capsule

I usually don’t recommend holding in a fart, but if you can consciously help it, then don’t let it out in one of these places.

Close quarters
Such as the gateway arch transport, there is no escape and it’s just cruel to unleash your cloud of hatred here.

Church
Most churches have padded chairs, but you might find one that has the old wooden pews. Just blame your pillar of cloud on the spirit moving you, many churchgoers won’t quench the spirit.

During an MRI
You absolutely can’t move and it might destroy the image they are trying to capture. Plus only you get to smell it, and that’s no fun.

Elevators
I know it’s cliche, but if you must, wait until you are about to get off. It’s the quickest way to move your stink from the ground floor so that people on the 13th floor can enjoy it.

Doctors Office
It’s probably the easiest way to get the doctor to enter the room. Once you unleash it they will enter and probably put you on a probiotic regimen. Bonus points for holding it in after a prostate exam.

Why you should never wear flip flops.

IMG_1221It’s that time of the year again! Well actually, to some people, the time never left. Flip flops are not meant to be worn anywhere but poolside or at the beach. As a matter of fact, you really shouldn’t be driving in flops. People are bad enough at controlling their vehicles, let alone with some dangling footwear. So, change into your flops when you get to the pool or beach.

In Public

Why take chances that your little piggy that went to market will be crushed by a wayward buggy or a can of spinach falling from an end-cap.

Take good care of your feet if you are going to expose them to all of humanity. A festering, infected, ingrown toenail doesn’t need a flip-flop, it needs a doctor, especially if I can smell it.

Why is it that people who wear flip flops barely have the energy to lift their feet from the ground and shuffle around like a patient who just had a double hernia operation? I guess that’s better than the natural sound a flip-flop makes. Couple that with someone who knows how to chew gum and you have a one-man band of flappy clappy snappy annoyance.

Flip Flop Relatives

I don’t understand the house shoe or “slipper’ out in public. You know what I’m talking about, the slipper that has transformed into a slide because the person has mashed the heel because inserting the foot completely into the slipper was such an arduous task.

The finger shoes don’t make sense to me. “It’s like walking barefoot!” I’m pretty sure humans invented the shoe because we got tired of walking barefoot, stop trying to devolve.

Closing

In this crazy world, we live in, you never know when something will burst into flames and shards of glass will be covering the floor. You should always be sure-footed, laced up and ready to help those whose feet are lacerated because they didn’t want to spend the extra time putting on proper footwear.

Tips to Take a Toddler on Vacation

 

petParents

That’s no toddler

 

Now that we’ve successfully transitioned from having small children I thought I’d “throw up” a few tips that I remember from taking them on vacation. Yes, we all know to bring pack and plays, diapers, wipes and food, but what about the out of the ordinary things that keep the parents from going insane on vacations?

  • Small bottle of Dish-washing liquid – rancid sippy cups of milk found the next day in the floorboards are no fun to clean
  • Door stops – Toddlers are fascinated with opening and closing doors. It gets old with parents really quick. Especially if the doors are really heavy and can lop fingers off with ease. Rubber door stops are really cheap too.
  • White noise device – We use our one of our iPhone’s with White Noise, it’s great for drowning out the questionable random noises of a hotel room. You can also pick up a dedicated device. Just make sure to keep it out of their reach unless you want it cranked up to full volume in the middle of the night.
  • Stroller or Alternative – We had two different types. The Maclaren and we also have the Tikes Mobile. The tikes mobile was great for us because it gave our boy a sense of control and doesn’t give the impression that we are torturing him with the stroller.
  • Not a phone or tablet – there is a little human that you’ve been put in charge of. Narrate what’s going on around them. Don’t give in and reward their temper tantrums with candy or an iDevice.
  • Patience – We all don’t have enough of this, toddlers can drive you crazy, they are all over the place. It’s easy to scream at them when they don’t do what you want. But keep them busy and don’t miss naps. If you can keep them happy on a trip, it will trickle down to everyone.

For a successful beach trip, do this!

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Who doesn’t love the beach? Well, I for one really do not care for it. The sand, the sunburn, the people. Anytime people get near water is seems their brain reduces functionality.

Beach Activities

Setup fishing poles in front of other families so that children get caught in the lines and potentially get hooked. Bring games where you throw objects that land onto others beach area causing sand to fly onto them.

Bring Your Pets

Cats love the sand, it’s just one giant litter box. Buried treasure is always fun for kids when they go digging in the sand. Keep a dog tied up to a food filled wagon so he can eat his fill. Let him loose to swim and allow him to take a huge dump  where others children are playing in the water.

Bring some Food

Seagulls love food as much as you do. Once they see that wonderful white bread they will terrorize anyone around. Feed them so that it becomes a problem for other families.

Booze it Up!

Even though the beach is alcohol free, bring your booze inside of a Sonic styrofoam cup or Gatorade bottle. You can still get drunk, obnoxious, and curse at the top of your lungs when your corn hole bag doesn’t hit the target. Don’t forget to blast profane music while your inhibitions are reduced causing you to grind each other on the beach.

With these tips, I’m sure everyone will have a good time at the beach.

Sobriety Checkpoint Fun

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Every holiday, state troopers begin setting up sobriety checkpoints to decrease the traffic flow from sloth-like to gridlock. Here is what you are supposed to do. Give the officer your license and answer their questions. Here is what you don’t do. Trust me.

  • Have a beer-scented air freshener
  • Ask if there are any escaped convicts on the loose
  • Don’t take their picture
  • Don’t talk about their gun
  • Don’t say things like “You need a license to drive?”

 

Airport stereotypes: The seat adjuster

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There are physical limitations to how far the seat will go back, but this person tries to recline at least fifty times so that it’s in your lap.  They recline the seat as soon as they get in the plane. The flight attendant will tell them to bring it back to its full upright position, but as soon as they are out of sight it’s back to recline time.

If they don’t recline immediately when they arrive they wait until you get out your laptop so that it shoves the screen into your abdomen. They may also decide to recline when you have a beverage so that it spills into your crotch.

Once the plane begins to descend to your destination the flight person will tell them to become upright once again. Once they are out of sight, they will recline and relax all the way until the rubber hits the runway.