Best gas production


There have been a few go-to items that I reach for if I need to produce a ton of gas. Why do I need to produce so much gas? Because it’s funny and my friends enjoy the noise. Boiled eggs paired with a brimming bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch will generate stomach churning flatus power for hours. Depending on the size of the bowl and how many eggs you ate, you will actually get tired of farting. You might even gag when you wake yourself up from the loudness of your new tooting alarm.

Don’t push your kids to do things


I know you want your kids to be superstars at the sport they are playing, but don’t push them. Encourage them to want to get better. One day it will “click for them”. They will figure out how their body works at whatever sport they are playing. The whole point is to have fun. If you are trying to validate yourself via your child’s sports performance then you are doing it wrong.

Don’t compare your kids to other kids. You don’t know what those parents are doing to their kids to get them to that level. You don’t want the kids to hate you or the sport they are playing later on. Set aside your disappointment because you don’t need to live through them. Focus on your happiness and encourage your kids to do what they enjoy.

Say my name, Say my name

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Dale Carnegie once said, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language”. Unless that name is said over and over in a debate or argument. For instance you are trying to defend your belief or position on a topic and the person keeps interrupting you and saying your name. “But Bob, you know….” and “Bob, you don’t realize.” Or the best of all when they chain your name together. “Bob, Bob, Bob…”

I don’t know if that bothers anyone else, but I stop them and ask them why they keep saying my name. I say, “I know my own name, did you forget who you are talking to and you have to keep reminding yourself?” Stop being so condescending.

How to wait on a parking space

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If you are in a parking lot with many open spaces, find someone getting in or out of their car and attempt to park in the space next to them.  Try to look as inconvenienced as possible. If you see them trying to pull through the lane in front of them, back into that spot. Find someone unloading their groceries into the side of their car as they take up two lanes. If you are unloading your groceries, leave your buggy in the space so that someone else has to move it to park. Time-saving tip, just park and walk instead of waiting on that space that is only two spots closer.

Most Annoying Sounds…

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Crunching Ice

I used to have shared cubicle space with an ice cruncher. She even brought ice in from home to work, all day long, every day.

Shuffling Cards

I don’t even like the computer game solitaire because of the sound of shuffling cards. Shuffling cards once is ok, but when you get all OCD and start shuffling them over and over, that’s enough.

Popping Gum

Some people never learned how to chew gum and I’m assuming they are just as bad at eating food, or they crunch ice. Blowing a bubble then inverting it into your mouth as you pop is several times

Chewing Food

This goes along with ice crunching, but there are some people who sound like they are eating rocks no matter what the food type is. The sound rattles around their skull until it sounds like they are breaking off their teeth at the gum line. Sometimes, you can hear people eating beans and the sound of the bean paste sticking to their teeth.

Mechanical Keyboards

They have a great feel and feedback, but they sound like marbles being spilled on a tile floor. It doesn’t matter if they are a great typist or a hunt and pecker, both are equally annoying.

Cotton Mouth

Hearing someone speak who has a dry mouth is probably one of the worst sounds anyone can make. It’s even more torturous is the person is speaking in front of a large crowd and is using a microphone.

How fast is too fast?

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What is the fastest you feel comfortable driving? To me, it depends on the vehicle. In my current automobile, I can look down and not realize that I’m going 90mph because of the smoothness. However, in my 1991 Honda Civic I got up to 120mph and it felt like the paint was shaking off. Sometimes keeping up with the flow of traffic even feels dangerous.

Typically I hover around 75 to 80mph, but there is always that one guy who’s in a hurry. I mean, I’m going 90mph and they are right there on my bumper. I can’t even see their headlights. That is until they start swerving over the lines to get my attention in the side mirrors that I’m going too slow for them. I’m getting to the point where I move to the far right-hand lane and set the cruise control and enjoy the increased gas mileage. It’s a bonus if you can draft behind an 18 wheeler.

Those dreams are dashed as soon as you run up on someone doing 10 mph under. Then you have to release the cruise control and manually work the gas pedals and try to merge into the concrete jet stream of cars so you can get back to your coefficient drag.

Do you stay for the after credit scenes?

The mid and end credit scenes are really just a way to get you to read all the names of the people who made the movie. That, and see job titles didn’t know existed. You will then wonder how much an assistant food dolly gripper makes and if it’s the right career move at this point in your life.

The end credit scenes have never been so good that it makes it worth the wait, and yet I still watch them all. Just leave the theater! Then go read a fanboy website that will explain and or theorize what it all means. Then hear them rant about people are bandwagon fans and they didn’t read the comics growing up. Well, you are right, I was too busy pitching no-hitters and hitting home runs in little league when I was a kid. Now I can just watch the movie.