I don’t puke that easily, so cleaning up my kids vomit is not an issue. It’s weird, it’s like God gives you an anti-upchuck receptors for you own children.
However, once I smell my own own stomach contents the upchuck flows effortlessly. While I’m down there commode hugging, if I haven’t cleaned the toilet recently, it moves matters forward as well. The worst case is when I was staying with my Granny in Nitro when I was about 10 years old. I was sleeping on a cot in the dining room and woke up hollering vomit into my pillow and it splashing all over my face and overflowing into the floor. It just kept flowing and woke everyone up in the house. It had to be the butter flavored Crisco popcorn and Cool Ranch Doritos having an argument on who gets the last bite of overcooked fried chicken.
I would like to buy a motorcycle one day. One thing that is stopping me is that I don’t want to wave at everyone else riding a motorcycle. I’m just not that friendly. The other thing stopping me is fear of scraping my face on the pavement. Even if I’m wearing a helmet it would still not be pleasant. There are two memorable moments in my life that keep me on four wheels.
The first major memory comes from living in Hampton Virginia. My father had this co-worker that launched himself and wife/girlfriend onto the asphalt close to the beach. I remember visiting them in the hospital. The lady kept assuring me she was feeling great despite having her face covered in dried blood and her appendages encased in plaster. It was probably the little button she was pushing that gave her such high spirits.
The second major memory is when I obtained a Honda Trail Bike at the age of 15. On it’s maiden voyage I propelled myself over the handlebars into a creek. Once I landed in the creek I couldn’t feel my legs for about 5 seconds. I walked the bike back home and didn’t ride again.
So why do they wave at each other? I think it’s because they are part of secret society. To be honest, they should keep both hands on the grips. You know, the whole face pavement scraping thing.
When I was first married, I thought it would be nice to slowly introduce the spouse to some of the food I enjoyed while living in the Deep South. One night I prepared Red Beans and Rice with cornbread. I went all out and bought two boxes of Tony Chachere’s from the local Food Lion. Well after a few bites in she decided it was too spicy, and plus I forgot about her terrible acid reflux.
So what now? I had a huge pot of red beans and rice that I didn’t want all that Cajun goodness to go to waste. Well, I suffered through and consumed red beans and rice for every meal for the next few days until it was gone. Let me tell you, re-hydrated red beans are probably the most gassy. At first I thought all the farting was hilarious! But after a full day of constant farts every 5 to 10 minutes and gut wrenching gas that felt like someone was using an air compressor to inflate my large intestine, my pucker muscle was fatigued. I just wanted it to stop and so did my wife.
I was starting to leave permanent odors on my office chair from trying to hold them in. I didn’t want to kill any of the office plants or cause workman’s comp cases for my co-workers. Some lessons you learn the hard way.
But don’t be surprised if a woman yells at you for being a sexist. “What? A woman can’t open a door herself?” I saw a young man open the door for his girlfriend as she was driving his truck. Maybe it was her truck. Regardless it was an ugly truck. I’m confused…
When I do open doors for people it’s not only for women. I do it out of curiosity. Well, not really, doors are heavy, I do it because you look weak. My favorite is when you open a door for someone and they continue to ignore the fact that you did something nice for them. They either act like you are supposed to or they don’t bother looking up from their digital distraction. If they don’t look up it’s probably a good idea to shut the door so they can walk into it.
Everyone loves to brag. Whether it’s about your accomplishments or your children’s it’s all about getting the leg up on the competition. However, some people don’t even know when you are competing with them. Here’s a good way to put this to the test.
Pick out one of your friends on Facebook. Next, copy and paste one of their posts, but change out the proper nouns. Try to take similar photos, share the same status messages from other websites. However, the twist is this, you have to make your status messages better than theirs. See if they notice after a few weeks of this.
You can see how many times you almost died
You will have greater awareness and response time for all those other texters who are swerving over the yellow line. Almost everywhere I drive I have constant panic attacks because I see oncoming traffic jerk the wheel at the last minute. As I pass someone on the interstate you can see them looking down while weaving in and out of lanes. It’s a truly terrifying time to be a driver.
You have more time to eat
If you are not holding your phone, you can hold a burger or burrito. If you are a two-hand texter and drive with your knees you can eat your salad or chicken tenders with dippin’ sauces. Bonus if you have lane keep assist on your vehicle. No need for knees and two hands off the wheel freeing you up to eat monster burgers from Hardee’s
You won’t die
Probably the best benefit is you will keep living your life and not be dead. There are plenty of other things that can go wrong while driving. Do not add to the deadly mix of your terrible driving skills plus distracting technology.
Maybe it’s part of the coastal state DMV’s big plan to remove cars from the road. Why would I want to buy a car when I can purchase a moped, not need a license and never pay a cent of tax? Today was especially joyous with this champion in front of me.
I made the move to pass at my first opportunity. Dude here swerves in front of me and begins zig-zagging like a clown on a tricycle hopped up on PCP. I then revert back to my original lane and he repeats this insanity with more lane swaying. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to pass HIM. He proceeds to signal left, get off his fart can and prepare fisticuffs. I start slowing down when my lovely bride screams a reminder about my kids and herself. I apparently have more to lose than a guy more than likely headed back to his trailer after my tax dollars paid for a large alcoholic beverage.
I can understand that you need to get places. However, don’t put others’ lives at risk by not allowing others to legally pass if your method of transportation is not capable of exceeding 35mph on a 55mph road.
Things probably could have gone horribly wrong once at a Hampton Inn. There was a traveling baseball team, who pretty much devoured all the food at breakfast if you didn’t wake up in time. I’m guessing one of the coaches or older brothers was having a bit too much to drink late one evening and starting hollering at me as I entered the snack area.
Him: “Who do you play for?!”
I made a quick pivot towards the direction of the yelling. My natural reaction which isn’t the most friendly, but it didn’t seem to back him down at all. He walked towards me getting in my face, the vapor trail of alcohol soon followed.
Him: “Do you play for Bartlett?”
Him: You cool with Justin Timberlake and all that S#!t”?
Me: “I don’t even know what you are trying to ask me.”
Him: “Someone stole my M…F..in’ lunch today…”
Me: “They have a good breakfast here, hope you enjoy it”
He kept talking while I walked away…
I looked for a Bluetooth earpiece, or maybe he was so drunk that he was about to pass out. Who knows…
I’ve changed my strategy over the years, but I do not subscribe to automatic tipping. 20% is the max and it goes down from there.
If the waiter attempts to show off and not write your order down and either get
the order wrong or has to come back to verify the order.
If your food has hair(s) in it, deduct extra dollar for coarse curly hair(s)
If the silverware is not clean
Your salads arrive a minute after your appetizer
Then your meals arrive a minute later.
Another dollar if you still have no silverware.
If you touch any of us.
If the waiter gets your drink order wrong
If the waiter brings your change in a bunch of small bills without you asking
The waiter asks if you want change, no matter the bill denomination
You have to ask for your change
If your change is greater than you should get. (a bit presumptuous are we?)
If your waiter comes back twice within a minute asking if you are ready to order.
Your table has leftovers from the last meal encrusted on the table.
When you order water and they never refill it. (I’m cheap, but I’m still thirsty)
For each minute your drink is empty
If the waiter asks _how you guys doing_ when you have your mouth full.
Ask if we “saved room” for dessert after we requested for a takeout box.
If the color of the ink for signing the bill is other than blue or black
You ask for Malt Vinegar and you get Red Wine Vinegar.
100% (yes, I will ask you for money or a free meal)
Spill something on me or my family.
Drop food while carrying it to the table and put it back on the plate.
Sneeze on our food in front of us.
Use a smart a$$ response while we order.
Curse and Complain about the restaurant or your boss within earshot of my kids.
The waiter doesn’t write down the order and gets it correct in every way
Recommend something that you’ve actually eaten there.
Act like you enjoy your job
Remember our names
I know being a waiter is a tough job. I’m guessing because I dislike tough jobs, so I’ve never been a waiter. You have to put up with jerks and picky eaters and people who don’t tip well regardless of great service. Don’t work there just because it pays well, do something you enjoy. If you hate being a waiter, go find something else to do so that you don’t ruin the restaurants’ reputation. The customer isn’t always right, I know that first hand. Customers are stupid and unreasonable and sometimes need a free side order of batter-fried crumbs with their long john silvers fish planks. Is that so much to ask?
What kind of things cause you to reconsider your tips?
Do you get offended when you are last on the carbon copy (CC) list in an email? Should you be? I think so!
Last on the List
It’s like the person considers you an afterthought. Especially if it’s really good news. For instance, if there are free leftovers in the break room and you are overweight, then it’s like they are saying you shouldn’t eat because you are too fat.
First on the List
Being first on the CC list is offensive depending on the subject line of the email. If its about a procedure being violated or a new SOP, then you must be the worst offender or a trouble maker. It’s even worse if you are addressed and everyone else in the department is CC’d. For instance, when a new CIO takes over and he says to you that he doesn’t care if you wear jeans to work. The next day you wear jeans and your manager who doesn’t have this information yet, sends an email, addresses you solely, but CC’s the rest of the department. However, if it’s good news, such as free leftovers in the break room, then you should feel honored. Unless you are rail thin, which means your coworkers are trying to fatten you up.
Somewhere in between
You want to be nestled somewhere in the middle of the CC list. This usually means you are part of a group email or just on a shortlist of people who need to know stuff. This also means that you aren’t really that important either, you get lost in the shuffle and you will never get a raise or promotion because you lack initiative and goals. Wow, maybe it’s worse to be in the middle.
Of course, all these rules are thrown out if someone uses an alphabetized email distribution list and your last name is Aaberg or Zywiec.