Drinking and Smoking at Walt Disney World

There used to be a shortcut to Storybook Circus beside Space Mountain. The path was lined with outcast smokers who are escaping frantic park-goers by calming themselves with a blast of hotboxed nicotine. You had to be mindful if you took your kids down this path to potential cancer. They would get about a month’s worth of 2nd and 3rd hand smoke which may have been enough of a taste to lead them to become lifelong smokers.

I don’t know if you ever could, but I know you can’t drink alcohol at the Magic Kingdom. You can still booze it up at Epcot, Animal Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios for those of you who can’t have a good time without alcohol. However, it doesn’t stop smokers with cigarettes of an electronic nature. No that’s not pixie dust, it’s vapor clouds.

Is Theme park preferred parking worth it?

man standing on parking lot
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Legoland, Universal Studios Florida, and Disney World offer “preferred parking”. It seems like a needless expense, but it depends on how long you stay in the park and how stubborn you are. I like to stay all day at a park because I refuse to waste money on those park tickets. However, I’m too frugal for parking upgrades. I’m remorseful on my way out of the park when I’m having to walk those extra 5 miles to my vehicle. I’m not a fan of waiting on the parking lot tram and the extra 10 minutes it takes for the “final” boarding call as people climb on top of the tram like it’s an escape from a war zone. The real war zone is free bus transportation.

How to select and wear flip flops.

IMG_1221It’s that time of the year again! Well actually, to some people, the time never left. Flip flops are not meant to be worn anywhere but poolside or at the beach. As a matter of fact, you really shouldn’t be driving in flops. People are bad enough at controlling their vehicles, let alone with some dangling footwear. So, change into your flops when you get to the pool or beach.

In Public

Why take chances that your little piggy that went to market will be crushed by a wayward buggy or a can of spinach falling from an end-cap.

Take good care of your feet if you are going to expose them to all of humanity. A festering, infected, ingrown toenail doesn’t need a flip-flop, it needs a doctor, especially if I can smell it.

Why is it that people who wear flip flops barely have the energy to lift their feet from the ground and shuffle around like a patient who just had a double hernia operation? I guess that’s better than the natural sound a flip-flop makes. Couple that with someone who knows how to chew gum and you have a one-man band of flappy clappy snappy annoyance.

Flip Flop Relatives

I don’t understand the house shoe or “slipper’ out in public. You know what I’m talking about, the slipper that has transformed into a slide because the person has mashed the heel because inserting the foot completely into the slipper was such an arduous task.

The finger shoes don’t make sense to me. “It’s like walking barefoot!” I’m pretty sure humans invented the shoe because we got tired of walking barefoot, stop trying to devolve.

Closing

In this crazy world, we live in, you never know when something will burst into flames and shards of glass will be covering the floor. You should always be sure-footed, laced up and ready to help those whose feet are lacerated because they didn’t want to spend the extra time putting on proper footwear.

The Irritating Guide to Chewing Gum

Chewing gum is on my shortlist as one of the worst things ever invented. Here is a short guide to maximizing everyone’s enjoyment of your gum chewing

  • Chew with your mouth open like a cat eating peanut butter
  • Pop it against the roof of your mouth
  • Blow bubbles then suck them in to make a sound like a vacuum cleaner picking up a plastic shopping bag.
  • Place enough gum in your mouth as to hinder speech
  • When you get back in your car, roll down the window and toss out your gum so it gets nice and hot and someone will step in it as soon as they park and get out.
  • If someone asks for a piece of gum, always say you’re chewing your last piece, and refer to the first item on the list to show them how it’s done

Hope this helps

How to use a public restroom

I’m so lonely

Whenever I’m on the road and see a travel center, they seem to tout the cleanliness of their restrooms. You will see a glowing red sign which reads “Clean Restrooms”.  As it turns out, it’s actually a notification that the restrooms are in need of care. It seems like everyone is following the same rules when using a public restroom.

  1. If there is no toilet paper use the paper towels, use extra as to clog the toilet.
  2. Don’t pick up any paper products from the floor, even if you dropped it. Gross
  3. Never flush the toilet, even if you have to pile on. Who knows how many people touched that handle before you. This will encourage the owners to upgrade to autoflush. What are we living in, medieval times?
  4. Don’t lift the seat, even with your shoes. If you have to B-1 Bomb it, make sure you lay a few paper towels in the water as a landing pad.
  5. Don’t bother washing your hands, the door handle will just defile them
  6. It’s not your job to wipe down the sink, what are doing near the sink anyway?
  7. If you must wash your hands and they don’t have a Dyson Airblade, now is a good time to practice free throws into rubbish recepticle. Don’t forget rule #2.

One day, I hope to live a world where everything is automated.

How to fail at running an AirBNB

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Shower head repair

I’ve never stayed at an AirBNB aka “Murder Bed and Breakfast”, and hope never to. I’ve compiled a list of everything you need to do to be a terrible host and make sure no one comes back.

Don’t be Home / Don’t Answer the Door

If you are expecting company, simply don’t be there to greet them. This will cause an unsettling feeling in your guest that they’re at the wrong house or have the dates mixed up. You can also invite them to stay and not tell them you are inviting others, and work out a deal with your neighbor so they can sleep there.

Don’t clean your house

Dirt piles in corners, dust bunnies hovering, and diarrhea back splash in the toilet are just a few things that show you don’t care about yourself or your guests. Broken fixtures in the guest bathroom will also build a growing angst in your guests. If you have pets makes sure that when they take a dump or pee in the floor you ignore it. Be sure to store all of your dirty clothes in the guest bathroom too. Dirty dishes piled up that are attracting subterranean creatures will discourage use of the kitchen.

Don’t have any food

Especially food your guest might like. Don’t plan ahead and stockpile the fridge with their favorites. Turn your place into a bed and make your own breakfast. Keep old cereal and just enough milk to cover the bottom of the bowl. Hide your good coffee and only offer Keurig.

Hide and Go Seek

Make it hard to find towels and washcloths. Keep the good towels in your bathroom so that your half naked guest has to rummage around your hallway linen closet and dry off with discolored hand towels. Keep the toilet paper anywhere but in the guest bathroom so that you cause the current hand towel to become discolored.

Stay up Late

Long after your guests have turned in, keep up your loud antics of yelling at sporting events. Random bursts of laughter from the poker or board game will surely inspire insomnia for the next few hours.

Sleep in

There is nothing quite as awkward as waking up in someone else’s home while they’re still sleeping. It’s like you’ve broken into their home and you’re are trying not to startle them from sleep. They might forget you’ve spent the night, which leads to you being on the receiving end of a buckshot breakfast.

Conclusion

Hopefully your guests didn’t pack their bags and sneak out of your house in the middle of the night because they didn’t get a good shower or a hearty meal and are covered in bugs, cat urine and dog poop.

Top 7 Worst April Fools Jokes

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  1. Fake lottery ticket
  2. Telling your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner you’re pregnant
  3. Telling your spouse you got fired/quit from your job
  4. Telling your spouse you want a divorce
  5. Telling someone in your family died
  6. Say the most horrible things that you can think about a person and then follow it with “April fools”.
  7. Go missing for weeks before April 1st and come back as a surprise