Is couponing worth your time?

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Coupon Fairy Delivered!

I’m not talking about saving a ton of money but saving a bunch of time by not clipping coupons. It seems like every time I try to use a coupon the cashier reads the fine print trying to find a loophole so I can’t save 10%. I don’t clip coupons from a newspaper either. Yes, they still sell newspapers despite all the tree-hugging that goes on in this world.  All the food advertised is terrible for you. I have yet to find a coupon for grass-fed beef,  broccoli,  or a bag of pinto beans. Instead of clipping digital coupons and adding them to your BJ’s membership card, how about taking a play out of Costco’s book. Just put your items on sale.

Coupons make you spend more because most have a threshold to meet. You end up buying something you don’t need as a filler because you needed to spend $100 to get $20 off.  It’s really simple math, just take your hourly wage and calculate how much you lost because you could have been earning. Save a ton, don’t clip none!

Getting over your fear of spiders

IMG_9694Spiders are about the only thing that really creep me out. I guess it has something to do with eight independently moving legs. Growing up I was tossing a towel into the hamper and noticed something squirming in the background. After closer inspection I uncovered a nightmare nest of a mother and about five million babies spiders that were alive and kicking.

There was only one way to dispose of this horrid web of terror and I knew the perfect weapon. Since my sister was in the habit of teasing her hair to it’s length to create an afro of curly stickiness, I grabbed a can of Aqua Net. I then located one of the numberous lighters that ignited Dad’s lung candy. I was fortunate enough not to burn our home down, but I gave them a hurricane of flame broiling that turned them into the crispiest of critters. The cremation ceremony was finalized with a quick flush of the deceased. My family was now safe from a pending arachnid avalanche for whoever emptied the hamper.

No More CDs at Best Buy!

I think it’s hilarious that vinyl has become popular again. For the longest time it was all the rage and the only thing that existed. Did you ever listen to a 78 speed record at 33 and a third, it was quite amusing. Cassette tapes made music portable and CDs made it even easier to abuse other’s ears with your terrible music choices via your car loudspeakers. Now that we have music on our phones, you can carry a Bluetooth speaker inside of every building and force your horrible music on everyone’s eardrums.

I’m sure the people who are buying turntables and listening to vinyl are the same people who use typewriters at Starbucks. I think the next logical step is for people to install floppy drives into their computers and trade files via disk. USB is too mainstream.

What is the worst thing you’ve smelled?

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This DQ Fountain smelled like puke

I’ve got a pretty sensitive nose and I’ve always smelled everything since I was a kid. I have no idea why but whenever I pick something up no matter what it is I smell it. Smell is also linked to memory somehow, so I guess that’s why I have a good memory.

Here are a few top choices for worst smelling things

  • The back of my ear after I forget to wash there for a few days (take your index finger swab the length of the back of your ear and try it)
  • A blackhead that you can’t reach on your back that has been growing without your knowledge until your wife wants to dig it out with a pair of tweezers.
  • A sippy cup of milk that has been under the seat for months until the stink escapes the one-way valve.
  • I used to own a toy called a Stink Blaster, fun to play with at work, but had to keep it in a zip lock bag in the garage.

I know one smell that is supposed to smell good is leather. However, I now have a bad memory associated with the smell of leather. Back in 10th grade my biology lab partner who would wear a leather jacket and forcefully belch up his stomach aromas at the desk. So now when I pass Wilson’s leather store at the outlet mall, I can also smell the school salad bar and whatever meat product they were serving that day.

Probably the worst thing I’ve ever smelled is when I got home from school one day in Nitro WV. As soon as I got out of the car it hit me like a sack of soiled diapers that had been set out on the beach during the summer months. We finally tracked down the source. Apparently, there was a dead cow on the hillside and it was halfway decomposed and apparently exploded.

The Irritating Guide to Chewing Gum

Chewing gum is on my shortlist as one of the worst things ever invented. Here is a short guide to maximize everyone’s enjoyment of your gum chewing

  • Chew with your mouth open like a cat eating peanut butter
  • Pop it against the roof of your mouth
  • Blow bubbles then suck them in to make a sound like a vacuum cleaner picking up a plastic shopping bag.
  • Place enough gum in your mouth as to hinder speech
  • When you get back in your car, roll down the window and toss out your gum so it gets nice and hot and someone will step in it as soon as they park and get out.
  • If someone asks for a piece of gum, always say you’re chewing your last piece, refer to the first item on the list to show them how it’s done

Hope this helps

How many more weeks until Spring?

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Phil and Phil

Groundhog day is one of those special times of year where we all wait for a woodchuck to give us the forecast of how much longer we have deal with seasonal affective disorder. Don’t worry, spring will be here soon enough along with all of the allergies to go with it. Then you have summer heat exhaustion to look forward to. How about you just enjoy your present moments. Don’t put your trust in meteorologists or prognosticating rodents but rather a system we’ve all agreed upon.

How to Behave at a Urinal

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Watching someone drain it

Urinals are great for allowing an expedited transaction almost anywhere. However, there are a few important things to keep in mind to make everything go smoothly.

  • Look toward the ground when approaching the urinals (especially if other are urinating)
  • No eye contact, look at the wall in front of you. Some places have TVs!
  • Make sure you get all the fluids into the urinal, no one likes a slip and slide on the way to the drain
  • Don’t spit your chewing gum into the urinal, remember someone has to clean that out.
  • Do not make conversation.
  • Do not vomit into the Urinal
  • Do not defecate into the Urinal
  • If it’s a manual model, only execute a flush if the content color is that of water collected in a rusty bucket. “Save a flush”

I would say wash your hands but sometimes your man-parts are cleaner than the wash station at some restrooms. Just remember to use the hand sanitizer when you get back to your car or use the one you carry in your holster.

How to behave at a Traffic Light

 

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Almost a wreck action shot

 

  • There is a white line indicating where you should stop at a red light. That is not for you, but for the car behind you. Get your whole car into the intersection!
  • If you’re the first car, now is a good time to check your smartphone and catch up on text messaging. This will allow you to miss when the light turns green causing the person behind you to beat their steering wheel until their hands are a bloody pulp.
  • If you’re second in line, watch the perpendicular light as it progresses towards it’s tertiary state. At the split second before the light ignites green, honk your horn mercilessly! If a response is not obtained in no less than nanosecond, start beating your hands on the wheel until they are a bloody pulp.
  • If you are trying to make a left turn and there is no leading green, gun it through the intersection before the other driver has a chance to start.
  • If you are trying to make a left turn and the light is about to turn yellow, get out in the intersection! Attempt to clip the oncoming cars rear bumper as your final act of aggression.
  • If you need to make a right and there is one car in front of you, use the sidewalk or grassy area.
  • If you are arriving to a 4-way stop and another car is approaching, it doesn’t matter where the white line is. It matters who stops first. One car could be at the white line, but if you have about 50 feet before you get to the white line and you stop first. Go! It’s your turn!

You should never eat at the Olive Garden

Parking for taking our spouse out for a date?

I first must state that Italian food is not my favorite, but if you like it that’s fine. It’s been about 12 years since I’ve been to an Olive Garden. I can tell you that it hasn’t changed a bit. A beautifully decorated restaurant with food that tastes like Marie Callender’s out of a microwave. I was really excited for the breadsticks they are proud of, however they tasted a bit odd. The olfactory aroma was similar to the inside of a brown paper bag.

The trick is they fill you up on salad and bread so you won’t be able to finish your meal. Then you take the bagged boxes out in public and advertise to draw more people into the restaurant. By the time you finish your leftovers you realize it wasn’t really that big of a portion. The best part of the meal was the salad however there was only one olive the entire bowl and not a garden of olives as I was expecting.

Service is still slow, but that’s because they are always crowded and fielding complains from the guests. I heard someone a few tables over say their food was disgusting. There was a 10 minute daily in getting our child menus and a 15 minute delay between two halves of our table being served.

Someone from my party actually got sick from their meal. I’m glad my Tour of Italy didn’t finish it’s route at the bottom of my toilet bowl.

How to use your turn signal

Turn signals on motorized vehicles are no longer needed because they have lost their effectiveness.

Turning to Side street

If you see someone coming while exiting a subdivision, don’t trust their turn signal. You never know when someone forgot to turn it off or accidentally hit it. They can’t hear the audible clicking of the signal because they’re blasting their sub-woofers. You have to wait for them to commit to the turn.

Changing Lanes on Interstate

The only thing a turn signal is good for on the interstate is to let some know to speed up and block you from changing lanes. The only way to change lanes is to swerve and signal half way-through as to avoid a ticket.

Parking

Signalling to park will only invite others to steal the spot from you. Fist-a-cuffs will ensue. Just park far away from the store because exercise is good for you and getting your face broken is not good.

Go Old School

Stop bowing to the Gods of Illumination and Electricity and use what God gave you. Use only arm and hand signals.  Makes it easier to extend a kind wave after someone lets you in (or other hand gestures). If you are on a motorcycle, look over your shoulder with a stern look and point to the lane you intend to enter.