Author: Alfred Tech

How to lose weight? It’s easy!

~ Alfred Tech

What a lousy way to save a buck. Like Mitch Hedberg used to say regarding KitKat bars, this Chick-fil-A salad tray is depriving me of salad. Is there a design reason for this other than not putting more salad in the bowl? Do the bowls stack better this way? No, it’s a cost-cutting measure meant to give the appearance of more while providing you with less. It’s forced portion control and if you are already choosing to eat a salad then why would they cut back? Don’t forget to add your 2000 calories of salad dressing to get your money’s worth.

So what is the best way to lose weight?

  • Count your calories with a ketogenic, low and slow carb high protein vegan diet.
  • Take ice baths under a cold shower while wearing a sauna suit
  • Run, Swim, Bike, and Lift weights
  • Take a diet pill with Ephedrine
  • Be consistent.

New Chewing Gum Flavors

~ Alfred Tech
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When I was a kid I wished they would come up with new chewing gum flavors. Juicy Fruit, Fruit Stripe, and Double Mint flavors could only last about a minute after the initial chew. I was looking for flavors like Kentucky fried chicken or McDonald’s french fries gum.

People go nuts for Jelly Belly beans and even the Beanboozled flavors, so why have we not crossed this marketing line with chewing gum? Imagine a Cool Ranch Doritos or Hot buttered popcorn-flavored gum. The possibilities are endless when you think about a BBQ-based line of flavors. Bacon, Pulled Pork, Pork Belly, or even Brisket flavored. I’m sure it would sell out…

Restaurant Seat Thieves

~ Alfred Tech
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Photo by Marta Siedlecka on Pexels.com

Go to Moe’s, Pei Wei, or some other fast-casual restaurant when it’s really busy. Find an open table and park your family there while one person orders. Get your forks, napkins, and drinks ready on the table in preparation for the food. If another family comes along with a tray full of food and there are no open tables, simply say you were here first even if you don’t have your food. If they refuse to move, sit on the floor and begin eating at their feet like beggars outside the king’s gate.

I know you think you are being efficient, but it’s rude to skip the line like a bully in the elementary school cafeteria. You know, the kid who steals extra chocolate milk and eats off everyone’s tray even though he has government coupons for a free lunch.

How to manage robocallers

~ Alfred Tech
Yeah, let me get that

Remember back in the days before Caller ID and *69 when you could call someone and say something offensive then hang up without any recompense? Well, now telemarketers have an arsenal of war dial devices at the ready.

My favorite is the lady who’s having trouble with her headset. The call starts with a “Hello, hello?” Then an apology that her headset isn’t working correctly and she asks for a confirmation that you can hear her. If you say yes then it’s a go-ahead for her (the robot) to begin the sales pitch. The second time she called I said, “Didn’t you call me an hour ago?”. The robot replied, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that, can you please say yes or no”. Once I knew it was a voice-activated prompt, I began asking all sorts of questions that she couldn’t process. Finally, I talked so much that it disconnected me. However, I still get calls from time to time.

Typically, if I don’t recognize the number, I will just silence my phone or double-click the power button to send it to voicemail. If the caller is not in my contacts and it’s an important message they will leave me a voicemail. However, these robots are now starting to leave voicemails. My call block list is growing exponentially.

Understanding Office Buzzwords and Jargon

~ Alfred Tech

Every office has a manager or co-worker that constantly spews office jargon or buzzwords. Here are a few that I’ve noticed and their real meanings.

C-level conversations – I used to think this meant having a discussion that everyone would understand. Think of a guru coming down from a high mountain sanctuary and coming down to “sea level“ so that they could explain it to the layman. Nope, it means “CEO type” conversations, the kind that gets you promoted real quick if you promise them things

Inside Baseball – I’ve got all the knowledge and I will use it to my advantage while sharing none of it

Team Player – Does the work of everyone else

Play Catch-up – I want to see what you’ve been doing while I was on vacation because I didn’t have the chance to micromanage you then.

Table the Issue – I don’t want to discuss this now because I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Devil’s in the Details – I know you are wrong, but I just don’t know how to prove it yet.

Play Devil’s Advocate – I want to rip your idea to shreds in front of everyone.

Putting Out Fires – Fixing the mistakes of others because of their incompetence

Low-Hanging Fruit – The easiest part of the job that others volunteer for first.

Win/Win – In any outcome, I will look good and take all the credit and you will still go unrecognized.

Brainstorming – I’m out of ideas and I need the group to give me one to steal

How to keep your kids safe at the pool

~ Alfred Tech
abstract aqua blue clean
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

While at the pool I had a great idea for a new smartphone app. It’s called iDrowned, the Anti-drowning smartphone app. The app works in tandem with a bracelet. Attach the bracelet to your toddler that doesn’t have swimmers wings on. The app will alert you when your child has fallen into the pool. As an upgrade, you can have a bracelet on yourself that sends out an electric shock once your kid begins to drown. This allows you to keep looking at your smartphone as long as possible while ignoring your child.

Enjoy this fun pool toy!

Top Golf Clichés

~ Alfred Tech
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Get in the Hole

This is shouted from a par 5 tee shot. Maybe more appropriate when someone is on the green or chipping and the ball brushes past the hole. Nah, it’s never good to say this. It’s just annoying.

Drive for show, putt for dough

This is said as a passive-aggressive insult whenever you outdrive your playing partner. Works out well if you put your next shot near the pin and tap in for birdie or eagle. Hopefully, after they’ve 3 putted for double bogey they will shut up.

Beach reference

Whenever someone lands in the sand trap some will reference one of the following phrases. “Nice day for the beach”, “Did you bring your sunscreen?”

Water shot

“Get your snorkel” or “That one didn’t skip.”

When you hit a good shot

“That’s a golf shot right there”. But aren’t they all golf shots? Even the ones that skip across the green from a bladed chip shot that goes into the greenside bunker or lake filled with alligators and snapping turtles?

Mentioning your score

Don’t ever mention your score to someone after the round. For example when you say, “I shot an 85”, someone will chime in, “Well, what did you shoot on the back nine?” Hilarious every time.

Get better not worser!

Road trip snack essentials.

~ Alfred Tech
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A tanker full of coffee? Grab a nozzle!

In this part of the country, I look out for Pilot or Flying J. I prefer those stores because they have relatively clean restrooms and various beverages and food selections. Flying J Pilot stores have coffee that will flap your eyelids to your forehead like the old vinyl window shades at your grandmother’s house. I mix Pilot Dark roast with their Intense blend and throw in a Stok espresso shot it’s enough to keep you awake far beyond your destination.

Back in the college days before I drank coffee, it was Pepsi Big Slams and No-Doze for the long road trips. As long as I can remember I would choose a Pepsi product, Slim Jims, and white cheddar popcorn. Maybe some Doritos now and again. One of the biggest problems with eating chips in the car is never enough roof clearance to tilt the bag and drink the crumbs. Well, maybe if you buy small bags.

Happy Mother’s Day

~ Alfred Tech
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I know this phrase is considered offensive in our fast-paced world of intolerance and sensitivity. Is it more difficult to be a Mom in this society than it was a few decades ago?

Well no, a few decades ago you had small children, now you have adults that are your children and you can do what you want. But if you are a mother today with small children it’s tough because small children are hard to manage sometimes. However, if your small children are large then they’re strenuous to lift unless you are one of the weightlifter moms who gets your kids fat on purpose so you can build your muscles. That’s wrong, maybe you should just stick to weights and put your baby on a healthy eating plan. If you want to, I’m not telling you how to mom your kids.

The best thing since sliced bread.

~ Alfred Tech
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Don’t reserve the seats outside the theater

Why does something get compared to sliced bread whenever it’s considered the best new thing? With a good knife, bread is easy to slice.  However, if I had to pick something as the best thing since sliced bread then I’m going to go with reserved theater seating. I’m so glad that my local theater has deployed this method of sitting.  Using your smartphone to pick the seat you want as soon as tickets go on sale is super convenient. It allows for dinner time beforehand without the pressure of waiting in a line that snakes out the door. It also allows you to skip the 20 minutes of previews that you’ve already seen on Youtube. During that time people have polished off their trough of popcorn so you can skip the part where it sounds like everyone around you is eating wicker furniture.

So what happens when you get to your seat and someone is perched there? It hasn’t happened yet, but in our age of entitlement and equality, it’s only a matter of time before someone complains that it’s not fair that you got the best seat in the house. You know,  because you planned ahead.