Whenever I’m on the road and see a travel center, they seem to tout the cleanliness of their restrooms. You will see a glowing red sign which reads “Clean Restrooms”. As it turns out, it’s actually a notification that the restrooms are in need of care. It seems like everyone is following the same rules when using a public restroom.
If there is no toilet paper use the paper towels, use extra as to clog the toilet.
Don’t pick up any paper products from the floor, even if you dropped it. Gross
Never flush the toilet, even if you have to pile on. Who knows how many people touched that handle before you. This will encourage the owners to upgrade to autoflush. What are we living in, medieval times?
Don’t lift the seat, even with your shoes. If you have to B-1 Bomb it, make sure you lay a few paper towels in the water as a landing pad.
Don’t bother washing your hands, the door handle will just defile them
It’s not your job to wipe down the sink, what are doing near the sink anyway?
If you must wash your hands and they don’t have a Dyson Airblade, now is a good time to practice free throws into rubbish recepticle. Don’t forget rule #2.
One day, I hope to live a world where everything is automated.
I’ve never stayed at an AirBNB aka “Murder Bed and Breakfast”, and hope never to. I’ve compiled a list of everything you need to do to be a terrible host and make sure no one comes back.
Don’t be Home / Don’t Answer the Door
If you are expecting company, simply don’t be there to greet them. This will cause an unsettling feeling in your guest that they’re at the wrong house or have the dates mixed up. You can also invite them to stay and not tell them you are inviting others, and work out a deal with your neighbor so they can sleep there.
Don’t clean your house
Dirt piles in corners, dust bunnies hovering, and diarrhea back splash in the toilet are just a few things that show you don’t care about yourself or your guests. Broken fixtures in the guest bathroom will also build a growing angst in your guests. If you have pets makes sure that when they take a dump or pee in the floor you ignore it. Be sure to store all of your dirty clothes in the guest bathroom too. Dirty dishes piled up that are attracting subterranean creatures will discourage use of the kitchen.
Don’t have any food
Especially food your guest might like. Don’t plan ahead and stockpile the fridge with their favorites. Turn your place into a bed and make your own breakfast. Keep old cereal and just enough milk to cover the bottom of the bowl. Hide your good coffee and only offer Keurig.
Hide and Go Seek
Make it hard to find towels and washcloths. Keep the good towels in your bathroom so that your half naked guest has to rummage around your hallway linen closet and dry off with discolored hand towels. Keep the toilet paper anywhere but in the guest bathroom so that you cause the current hand towel to become discolored.
Stay up Late
Long after your guests have turned in, keep up your loud antics of yelling at sporting events. Random bursts of laughter from the poker or board game will surely inspire insomnia for the next few hours.
There is nothing quite as awkward as waking up in someone else’s home while they’re still sleeping. It’s like you’ve broken into their home and you’re are trying not to startle them from sleep. They might forget you’ve spent the night, which leads to you being on the receiving end of a buckshot breakfast.
Hopefully your guests didn’t pack their bags and sneak out of your house in the middle of the night because they didn’t get a good shower or a hearty meal and are covered in bugs, cat urine and dog poop.