Category: Driving

Guide to Texting and Driving

~ Alfred Tech

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You can see how many times you almost died
You will have greater awareness and response time for all those other texters who are swerving over the yellow line. Almost everywhere I drive I have constant panic attacks because I see oncoming traffic jerk the wheel at the last minute. As I pass someone on the interstate you can see them looking down while weaving in and out of lanes. It’s a truly terrifying time to be a driver. 

You have more time to eat
If you are not holding your phone, you can hold a burger or burrito. If you are a two-hand texter and drive with your knees you can eat your salad or chicken tenders with dippin’ sauces. Bonus if you have lane keep assist on your vehicle. No need for knees and two hands off the wheel freeing you up to eat monster burgers from Hardee’s

You won’t die
Probably the best benefit is you will keep living your life and not be dead. There are plenty of other things that can go wrong while driving. Do not add to the deadly mix of your terrible driving skills plus distracting technology.

Helpful tip, if you are traveling and notice someone viewing their smart device, give the horn a toot and get their attention.

Guide to Riding a Moped.

~ Alfred Tech

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Maybe it’s part of the coastal state DMV’s big plan to remove cars from the road. Why would I want to buy a car when I can purchase a moped, not need a license, and never pay a cent of tax? This day was incredibly joyous with this champion in front of me.

I made the move to pass at my first opportunity. The dude here swerves in front of me and begins zig-zagging like a clown on a tricycle hopped up on PCP. I then revert back to my original lane and he repeats this insanity with more lane swaying. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to pass HIM. He proceeds to signal left, get off his fart can, and prepare fisticuffs. I start slowing down when my lovely bride screams a reminder about my kids and herself. I apparently have more to lose than a guy more than likely headed back to his trailer after my tax dollars paid for a large alcoholic beverage.

I can understand that you need to get places. However, don’t put others’ lives at risk by not allowing others to legally pass if your method of transportation is not capable of exceeding 35mph on a 55mph road.

Your children will never have to drive.

~ Alfred Tech

In all my years driving an automobile, I’ve seen the steep driving skill decline of my fellow humans. Texting and driving have brought out the worst in drivers. My children will ask from the backseat, “What is wrong with the driver in front of us?”.  My parents used to say, “Well, he’s probably full of alcoholic beverages“, but I tell my kids he’s probably playing Disney Emoji Blitz or Candy Crush.

I’m all for mandatory yearly testing to remove drivers from the road that shouldn’t be allowed to maneuver a heavy metal that can potentially lead to vehicular manslaughter. I welcome our automated driving overlords! It will give me more time to eat, text, face booking. I can’t wait until people are augmenting their reality with VR headsets while driving. With all the Ubers, Lyfts, and Murder Taxis out there, your offspring will never have to slalom between 18-wheelers and monster SUVs. Where’s my Johnny Cab?

Busy Driver on Amazon