No light on at the checkout line…

 

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Burnt

 

When I notice a cashier ringing up customers and see the register number light is off I don’t get in their line. If they have a closed placard on the conveyor belt this is a sure signal that they are closing down. However, there are people who will put their groceries on the belt anyway. Even go as far as to move the placard. The cashier will say they are closing down the line but the people don’t budge. This is the equivalent of going into a steak restaurant and ordering a well-done rib eye five minutes before closing. It’s rude to enter a place of business so late. Also, who cooks their steak well done? Savages that’s who.

Make your own movie theater popcorn

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$1000 bucket of popcorn?

Why is movie popcorn so delicious, but yet we can never seem to replicate it at home? I’ve gotten pretty close and here’s my super, not so secret recipe.

Start with really good popcorn

I recommend Orville Redenbacher because of the quality control and consistency. Don’t buy store brands because they are all terrible. I may be wrong, but I don’t care. Store in an airtight container in the dark pantry. Use 2/3 of a cup per pop session.

Use Coconut oil

Pop your kernels in coconut oil, that’s what the theater’s use. It has a high smoke point so it can get really hot and explode the kernels much better. Plus it tastes better. Use about 3 tablespoons

Use fine ground salt

Popcorn salt is different, it’s super finely ground so that it sticks to all the popcorn’s intricate crevasses.

Top it off with fake butter

Real butter is good, but if you wan to get close to the movie theater taste then lube up your bowl with this Kernel Seasoning Oil. It may be unnatural, but we aren’t going for healthful when eating movie theater popcorn. We are going for taste, and this one is pretty close.  Try substituting 1 tablespoon of coconut oil with this butter oil.

There are several ways to pop the corn, but my favorite is the Stir-Crazy.

How to deal with kidney stone pain

 

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Guinness to help lube the tubes

 

Since I get kidney stones about once a year, here are some practical tips that I’ve learned over the years.

First, it’s better to not get a kidney stone. I’ve learned that I need to drink plenty of water before I spend the next two days outside in the heat and humidity. This was the case for my latest bout with a ureter rock. I also stay away from black tea. While I love a good glass of tea, I’d rather not try to pee a pebble into a strainer for some doctor to analyze.

So, how to deal with the pain? The first thing I do is start chugging water by the liter. This will start to hydrate the kidneys and get them working to flush out the gravel from your pee pipes.  Kidney stone pain is one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt so you can try to throw a painkiller at it, but it will be shot blocked like Manute Bol over Muggsy Bogues.  (Sadly, Bol died of Kidney failure)

This is not a fun ride down the slip and slide to your bladder. The best advice is to mix up equal parts lemon juice and olive oil and drink a shot glass full. Don’t puke it up, otherwise, it won’t work. So try small sips over about 15 minutes or so. It will grease the chute and start breaking down the boulder.  Grab a six-pack of Guinness Extra Stout, this has worked wonders for me. The beer will help break down the stone and ease the passing, plus the alcohol will help ease some of the pain. Once the Plinko chip scrapes and rattles its way to your bladder the pain will subside, but if you are a male, then the fun isn’t quite over yet. Get more Guinness!

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Had to get the morphine for red pee pee

However, if the pain is making you want to pass out, throw up, and/or urinate blood, then get yourself to the emergency room. You might be dealing with a stone that even an angel can’t roll away. BTW, this too shall pass is not in the bible. Good luck!

Dueling Dual Drive-Thrus

You chose the wrong line!

I’m not sure when it began, but dual Drive-Thrus is almost a deal breaker when I’m choosing a fast food establishment. Chick-fil-A is the only successful one to date, just because they are a well oil machine that does just about everything right. McDonald’s has to be the worst and here’s why.

Today I was picking up some breakfast sandwiches and chose the shorter of two lines (9:01am). That’s always a mistake because the longer line will zip through cars as the two vehicles in front of you will order one of every menu item. Once you get to the merge lane other cars think that if they jump in front of you they will get their food faster. Nope, it just causes confusion at the window. Case in point, the window person had to ask what I ordered. I just gave her the total she quoted me. I paid, then on to the next window (9:10am).

As I watched the digital clock display tick away minutes, I couldn’t help but think I could’ve baked biscuits, fried bacon, and cooked some eggs in this amount of time. By the time I got my order (9:29am) it was almost lunchtime. Yeah, about 30 minutes in a McDonald’s drive-thru. My kids said the food was hot and tasty, but then I explained what a queuing oven was.

Ruining your food memories

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Sometimes the memory of your favorite foods is far better than the actual food itself.  Once you’ve lived in different parts of the country and experienced different flavors and styles of cooking, your old favorites become second string runner-up. So if you have a favorite restaurant in a town you no longer live in, stay away. Keep that memory and don’t ruin it by eating there ever again.

You hear this at every diner in America.

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Deep Fried Snickers

If you’ve ever watched a food TV show that interviews the diners, you can be sure that these phrases will come up.

  1. Crispy on the outside juicy on the inside
  2. Melts in your mouth
  3. Best I’ve ever had
  4. Cooked to perfection
  5. Tastes like family
  6. It’s to die for
  7. I eat here every meal every day
  8. I live in the kitchen
  9. I’ve held the cook hostage and forced them to cook for me at my house

Are eggs really good for you?

 

 

Yes! Eggs are good for you yolk and all. But of course, people are taking it too far. Everything has an egg on or in it. Watch any episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives and you will see any number of dishes with an egg in there somewhere. You know what goes well with eggs? Bacon, that’s it!

How do I cook my eggs? Glad you asked.

Fried

Fry a few strips of bacon over medium heat, remove bacon, leave grease, turn off heat let cool down for a minute or so. Add 2 eggs, use either kosher salt, black and cayenne pepper (Or Tony‘s). Once the egg white is not clear, gently flip over, turn off the heat and cook for another 2 minutes, this won’t overcook and still give you a nice warm runny yolk.

Scrambled

Whisk 3 eggs with a dash of heavy cream and water in a large cup, add to a medium heat skillet with melted clarified butter or bacon fat. Move around the pan and make your chunks big or small, just don’t let it stick. Or don’t move it at all and have an omelet.

Boiled

Put a dozen eggs in a pot in one layer, add 1/4 tsp baking soda, cover with 2 inches of tap water. Bring to rolling boil and cook for about 2 minutes. Cover and remove from heat and let stand for 12 minutes. Drain off hot water and fill the pot with cold tap water. Let stand for 5 minutes. Crack each end of the egg, they should be super easy to peel. Cut in half and add a dash of the previously mentioned seasonings.

Poached, no thanks, if I wanted to eat snot I would expose myself to one of the 100 things I’m allergic to and let the mucus fountain flow.