When I was first married, I thought it would be nice to slowly introduce the spouse to some of the food I enjoyed while living in the Deep South. One night I prepared Red Beans and Rice with cornbread. I went all out and bought two boxes of Tony Chachere’s from the local Food Lion. Well after a few bites in she decided it was too spicy, and plus I forgot about her terrible acid reflux.
So what now? I had a huge pot of red beans and rice that I didn’t want all that Cajun goodness to go to waste. Well, I suffered through and consumed red beans and rice for every meal for the next few days until it was gone. Let me tell you, re-hydrated red beans are probably the most gassy. At first I thought all the farting was hilarious! But after a full day of constant farts every 5 to 10 minutes and gut wrenching gas that felt like someone was using an air compressor to inflate my large intestine, my pucker muscle was fatigued. I just wanted it to stop and so did my wife.
I was starting to leave permanent odors on my office chair from trying to hold them in. I didn’t want to kill any of the office plants or cause workman’s comp cases for my co-workers. Some lessons you learn the hard way.
I’ve changed my strategy over the years, but I do not subscribe to automatic tipping. 20% is the max and it goes down from there.
If the waiter attempts to show off and not write your order down and either get
the order wrong or has to come back to verify the order.
If your food has hair(s) in it, deduct extra dollar for coarse curly hair(s)
If the silverware is not clean
Your salads arrive a minute after your appetizer
Then your meals arrive a minute later.
Another dollar if you still have no silverware.
If you touch any of us.
If the waiter gets your drink order wrong
If the waiter brings your change in a bunch of small bills without you asking
The waiter asks if you want change, no matter the bill denomination
You have to ask for your change
If your change is greater than you should get. (a bit presumptuous are we?)
If your waiter comes back twice within a minute asking if you are ready to order.
Your table has leftovers from the last meal encrusted on the table.
When you order water and they never refill it. (I’m cheap, but I’m still thirsty)
For each minute your drink is empty
If the waiter asks _how you guys doing_ when you have your mouth full.
Ask if we “saved room” for dessert after we requested for a takeout box.
If the color of the ink for signing the bill is other than blue or black
You ask for Malt Vinegar and you get Red Wine Vinegar.
100% (yes, I will ask you for money or a free meal)
Spill something on me or my family.
Drop food while carrying it to the table and put it back on the plate.
Sneeze on our food in front of us.
Use a smart a$$ response while we order.
Curse and Complain about the restaurant or your boss within earshot of my kids.
The waiter doesn’t write down the order and gets it correct in every way
Recommend something that you’ve actually eaten there.
Act like you enjoy your job
Remember our names
I know being a waiter is a tough job. I’m guessing because I dislike tough jobs, so I’ve never been a waiter. You have to put up with jerks and picky eaters and people who don’t tip well regardless of great service. Don’t work there just because it pays well, do something you enjoy. If you hate being a waiter, go find something else to do so that you don’t ruin the restaurants’ reputation. The customer isn’t always right, I know that first hand. Customers are stupid and unreasonable and sometimes need a free side order of batter-fried crumbs with their long john silvers fish planks. Is that so much to ask?
What kind of things cause you to reconsider your tips?
Hey Nutrisystem, I know you want to promote your product, but fat shaming men is not the best way. Don’t assume that all men are just sitting on the couch watching football and eating pie. Also, men can cook so stop with the gender stereotypes. I tried Nutrisystem for a month once and while I did lose weight as advertised it’s not a sustainable lifestyle. There are much better ways to lose weight than eating packaged food. The key is creating a lifestyle, not a short term fix.
There is no doubt my favorite cereal is Kashi Go-Lean Crunch. The cereal serves dual purposes. One it tastes delicious and two it produces so much gas that it keeps everyone away from me. I can time it like clockwork. I eat a huge bowl first thing in the morning and by high noon, there is a showdown at colon corral. I’m expelling flatus about every two minutes and it continues all into the night.
Once I was going to play golf and wanted to load up on ammo for the course. My wife knew what I was up to and hid the box from me. I had to pick up some Bojangles Cajun Filet biscuits instead.
However, the sad news is I physically can’t consume it any longer. The problem is the gas production. I eat a bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch for breakfast and by the afternoon my body is producing so much natural gas I could heat a small village. It’s funny at first with all the farting, but after a few hours, you get exhausted. So long Kashi Go Lean Crunch our relationship has run out of gas. I still eat the regular Kashi Go Lean when I don’t have any wicker furniture to consume.