The Irritants Guide to 4th of July

  • Remind people that the birth of America is really July 2nd.
  • Buy fireworks 5 days in advance and buy enough to last until July 9th.
  • Begin your explosives demonstration on June 30th.
  • Drink lots of beer
  • Eat many forms of meat
  • Lose an appendage because you are too filled with meat to move away from the lit fireworks and too drunk to know that you are bleeding.
  • Put up a PTSD sign in your yard so that you can ruin the fun for your neighbors who bought a week supply of fireworks.
  • Also remind people that it wasn’t legit until Aug 2nd, thus extending your firework shooting period.

But seriously, if you have a problem with July 4th, just hole up in your house shut all the curtains and sit in a dark room watching movies with noise-canceling headphones like I do. Happy Holidays!

Fireworks are nice, but not after 11pm, most people are attempting sleep after their ears have been damaged by decibels of destructive detonations. Fireworks are cool at first, but there’s always somebody who bought enough obliterate a small island.

I understand the fourth of July and New Years, but I think people just love the excuse to play demolition expert and terrorize cul-de-sacs and side streets. Here are a few fireworks tips to help you maximize this special day.

  • Wait until it gets dark
  • Put them away at 11pm

Happy Independence Day!

Sobriety Checkpoint Fun

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Every holiday, state troopers begin setting up sobriety checkpoints to decrease the traffic flow from sloth-like to gridlock. Here is what you are supposed to do. Give the officer your license and answer their questions. Here is what you don’t do. Trust me.

  • Have a beer-scented air freshener
  • Ask if there are any escaped convicts on the loose
  • Don’t take their picture
  • Don’t talk about their gun
  • Don’t say things like “You need a license to drive?”

 

Worst April Fools Jokes…

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  1. Telling your husband/boyfriend you’re pregnant
    • or had a miscarriage if you are pregnant
    • or had an abortion
  2. Telling your spouse you got fired from your job
    • or told them you quit
  3. Telling your spouse you want a divorce
    • or asking them to marry you especially if you have commitment issues already
  4. Telling someone in your family died (like a child)
  5. Say the most horrible things that you can think about a person and then follow it with “April fools”.

Is there a LOL Day?

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If there isn’t already there should be a LOL day. There is a holiday now for every occasion, so why not for LOL’s. For an entire day simply put LOLs in the comment section for all your social media friends. Don’t bother reading the posts, just put LOL. Should be fine no matter what. Don’t just type LOL, but literally LOL. I mean LOL from the belly and make everyone think you are insane just for one day of the year.

Happy VD!

I have a long track record of ruining valentines days. Probably the worst is when I sent my bride-to-be dead black roses. I ordered them from a fresh cut flower place online. I guess they cut them wrong. Instead of telling my fiancee that I loved her, I was sending her a message of death.

One year I didn’t realized that a certain restaurant needed reservations for Valentines day.  So after being mocked by the host, I ended up picking up Taco Bell. We used our wedding china and it was actually more romantic than the The Melting Pot could ever be.

One year, I had to visit a client for work. Both of my children had fits of vomiting and diarrhea. I’m still not a fan of VD, so I really don’t do anything. By default it’s shows neglect and is worse than even making an attempt.