If Martin Luther were still alive

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Everyone complains that Christmas stole from the pagan religions, but in this case, it’s Pagans who took over this holiday. He wouldn’t go door to door asking for candy. He would go to every door in the neighborhood and tack 95 theses to the door explaining how everyone is ruining “All Hallows Eve”.  It’s better than the bag of 95 feces on my doorstep. Happy Reformation Day!

Most Offensive Halloween Costumes

IrishMan

How about a drunk Irish guy with Leprechaun? Irish are pretty safe to make fun of, or they really don’t seem to care if you do, they will probably just beat the crap out of you if they get offended, which is rare.

Tub of Guts suit. What’s funnier than a fat person, right? I guess if you can dress as a skeleton then corpulence should be fine.

JesusMan

Jesus is about the only religious figure left that’s safe for ridicule (but not for all eternity). He’s the most tolerant of all the deities, and he died for your sins, so why not tempt fate and your eternal soul with a little blasphemous masquerading. Plus, it might be helpful to keep those demoniacs bound while you trick or treat.

In light of what’s appropriate or not for Halloween, we try to dress ourselves and children in costumes that won’t offend. Well, at least most of the population that don’t get offended. You know, like Fat Irish Christians.

Should you Celebrate Halloween?

bunch of candies

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I’m not talking about from a religious but a practical perspective. Here are a few reasons to skip it.

Buying a costume

My kids get clothes for their birthday and Christmas. Why should I buy them an outfit for a single day that will rip within a week after? If you must have a costume, make one out of clothes you don’t like can go as “ungrateful person who has too many clothes”

Buying candy

Candy is overpriced from September 1st to October 31st. However, if you want a good deal on candy, wait until November 1st and stock up. Who cares if there are pumpkin-shaped Reeses’ in your Christmas candy dish.

Having too much candy

There is too much candy in the house and it’s everywhere. It ruins your ketosis and sometimes your relationships if strategically shared.

Neighborhood gorefest

People that live near you will put up haunting displays of violence and paganism. You have to drive past it everytime you leave for your volunteering at the senior community.

Why are there teal pumpkins?

green orange and yellow pumpkins

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Teal pumpkins exists so that kids know which homes to skip during trick or treat. It’s great that people want to include kids who can’t eat candy, but it also gives a heads up to those who don’t want to waste their time. There are better things to do and more full size candy bars to find. If my child was allergic to candy then we wouldn’t participate at all. It would be a relief that we didn’t have to walk the neighbor filled with displays of murder and satanism.

Halloween Decorating Ideas

Since everyone is now decorating their yard for the Holiday, I thought I’d mention the best Halloween setup I’ve seen so far.

  • Police Tape – roped off area around the driveway
  • Police Car – lights flashing with an officer taking notes
  • Murdered Body – bloody sheet covering a body
  • CSI Agents – placing items in bags with precision
  • Body Removal – hauled away in a vehicle
  • Crying Family

Hmm, Maybe that wasn’t a Halloween setup.

The Irritants Guide to 4th of July

  • Remind people that the birth of America is really July 2nd.
  • Buy fireworks 5 days in advance and buy enough to last until July 9th.
  • Begin your explosives demonstration on June 30th.
  • Drink lots of beer
  • Eat many forms of meat
  • Lose an appendage because you are too filled with meat to move away from the lit fireworks and too drunk to know that you are bleeding.
  • Put up a PTSD sign in your yard so that you can ruin the fun for your neighbors who bought a week supply of fireworks.
  • Also remind people that it wasn’t legit until Aug 2nd, thus extending your firework shooting period.

But seriously, if you have a problem with July 4th, just hole up in your house shut all the curtains and sit in a dark room watching movies with noise-canceling headphones like I do. Happy Holidays!

Fireworks are nice, but not after 11pm, most people are attempting sleep after their ears have been damaged by decibels of destructive detonations. Fireworks are cool at first, but there’s always somebody who bought enough obliterate a small island.

I understand the fourth of July and New Years, but I think people just love the excuse to play demolition expert and terrorize cul-de-sacs and side streets. Here are a few fireworks tips to help you maximize this special day.

  • Wait until it gets dark
  • Put them away at 11pm

Happy Independence Day!