Teaching your kids about Santa

Today marks St Nicholas Day. There is no better time to teach your children about who Santa really was. We decided before we procreated that we would not pretend that someone came into our house and left presents for our children. It’s not fair to them or us because why does some stranger get credit for all the good stuff? Plus, we don’t have a chimney, so how does he get in? Well, I guess it’s easier nowadays since Amazon has access to your house and can open your door and leave packages. Maybe Amazon is the new Santa?

How did I learn that Santa wasn’t real? Well, during my 2nd grade class we all were talking about Christmas and I mentioned that Santa was bringing me some Star Wars toys. The entire class erupted in laughter and began shaming me about believing in fairy tales. You know, kids are mean and cruel, much like adults when you talk about Jesus today. When I confronted my mother, she unvieled the falsehood of father Christmas. This created a seasonal schism that altered my holiday happiness for years to come. I don’t want that for my offspring. I want them to build lasting Christmas memories without any trauma. Well, other than what my parenting already provides.

There is a drawback about not playing along with the whole Santa song and dance. You have to be cautious that your children don’t ruin Christmas for their friends. But the main reason we teach the real Santa, is we want them to know the real Jesus. We want them to focus on the greatest gift to this world and not on trinkets that will gather rust. We didn’t want them to one day say. “If Santa isn’t real, then is God real?”

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How to Tell If Someone Doesn't Like a Gift

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Here are a few things to look for when someone opens your gift.

  • They look at the tag of who it’s from in preparation for disappointment.
  • The older the gifter is, the likelihood of disappointment of the giftee goes up.
  • The puzzled look on their face once they open it.
  • They look at all sides of the box
  • Open the box all the way and start to investigate to see if there is another present in there you are going to surprise them with.

It is far better to give than receive because you feel better about giving crappy presents than receiving a terrible one.

Stop calling it Turkey Day

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Deep Fried Turkey

Since everyone is offended these days and it’s disrespectful to the turkey. Turkey’s have it rough, they are big, fat, and serve no other purpose than to feed large families a couple times a year.

I’m not a fan of turkey. I’ve been pushing barbecue for Thanksgiving and this year I’m serving a beef brisket. I’m not going to serve it until everyone has a heaping plate of turkey meat. Once we all sit down and I have brisket all up on my plate people will ask, where was that? I will be like, “Ah, thought you all wanted turkey, and condescended at the idea of barbecue.”

Ask before you wish a happy holiday…

chalkboard surrounded by christmas gifts
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For some reason, I started asking people first if they celebrate a holiday before I give them warm wishes. Or I’ll say something like. “Well, if you celebrate Thanksgiving, then have a happy one. Otherwise, enjoy doing whatever you do with the days we mark as a national holiday”. I don’t assume everyone celebrates Thanksgiving or Christmas, to do so would be oppressive right?

It also gives me an out because if I wish someone a specified happy holiday then they have the chance to say. “Oh, I don’t celebrate that particular holiday because it’s racist or hateful towards a certain demographic”. I don’t want to hear any of that garbage. I guess I will just keep my warm wishes to myself until someone tries to offend me with their merrymaking.

If Martin Luther were still alive

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Everyone complains that Christmas stole from the pagan religions, but in this case, it’s Pagans who took over this holiday. He wouldn’t go door to door asking for candy. He would go to every door in the neighborhood and tack 95 theses to the door explaining how everyone is ruining “All Hallows Eve”.  It’s better than the bag of 95 feces on my doorstep. Happy Reformation Day!

Most Offensive Halloween Costumes

IrishMan

How about a drunk Irish guy with Leprechaun? Irish are pretty safe to make fun of, or they really don’t seem to care if you do, they will probably just beat the crap out of you if they get offended, which is rare.

Tub of Guts suit. What’s funnier than a fat person, right? I guess if you can dress as a skeleton then corpulence should be fine.

JesusMan

Jesus is about the only religious figure left that’s safe for ridicule (but not for all eternity). He’s the most tolerant of all the deities, and he died for your sins, so why not tempt fate and your eternal soul with a little blasphemous masquerading. Plus, it might be helpful to keep those demoniacs bound while you trick or treat.

In light of what’s appropriate or not for Halloween, we try to dress ourselves and children in costumes that won’t offend. Well, at least most of the population that don’t get offended. You know, like Fat Irish Christians.

Should you Celebrate Halloween?

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I’m not talking about from a religious but a practical perspective. Here are a few reasons to skip it.

Buying a costume

My kids get clothes for their birthday and Christmas. Why should I buy them an outfit for a single day that will rip within a week after? If you must have a costume, make one out of clothes you don’t like can go as “ungrateful person who has too many clothes”

Buying candy

Candy is overpriced from September 1st to October 31st. However, if you want a good deal on candy, wait until November 1st and stock up. Who cares if there are pumpkin-shaped Reeses’ in your Christmas candy dish.

Having too much candy

There is too much candy in the house and it’s everywhere. It ruins your ketosis and sometimes your relationships if strategically shared.

Neighborhood gorefest

People that live near you will put up haunting displays of violence and paganism. You have to drive past it everytime you leave for your volunteering at the senior community.