Category: Resturants

How to lose weight? It’s easy!

~ Alfred Tech

What a lousy way to save a buck. Like Mitch Hedberg used to say regarding KitKat bars, this Chick-fil-A salad tray is depriving me of salad. Is there a design reason for this other than not putting more salad in the bowl? Do the bowls stack better this way? No, it’s a cost-cutting measure meant to give the appearance of more while providing you with less. It’s forced portion control and if you are already choosing to eat a salad then why would they cut back? Don’t forget to add your 2000 calories of salad dressing to get your money’s worth.

So what is the best way to lose weight?

  • Count your calories with a ketogenic, low and slow carb high protein vegan diet.
  • Take ice baths under a cold shower while wearing a sauna suit
  • Run, Swim, Bike, and Lift weights
  • Take a diet pill with Ephedrine
  • Be consistent.

Restaurant Seat Thieves

~ Alfred Tech
architecture bar bar cafe black and white
Photo by Marta Siedlecka on Pexels.com

Go to Moe’s, Pei Wei, or some other fast-casual restaurant when it’s really busy. Find an open table and park your family there while one person orders. Get your forks, napkins, and drinks ready on the table in preparation for the food. If another family comes along with a tray full of food and there are no open tables, simply say you were here first even if you don’t have your food. If they refuse to move, sit on the floor and begin eating at their feet like beggars outside the king’s gate.

I know you think you are being efficient, but it’s rude to skip the line like a bully in the elementary school cafeteria. You know, the kid who steals extra chocolate milk and eats off everyone’s tray even though he has government coupons for a free lunch.

Is it really your pleasure Chick-fil-A?

~ Alfred Tech

IMG_0291
I know they are required to say it, but it sounds so disingenuous and rehearsed. I wonder if they have a code word similar to people at Disney World when they say “Have a magical day”. Maybe “My Pleasure” is the code word and they hate all their customers. Maybe I’ll just stop saying thank you and save them the trouble.

I used to avoid Chick-Fil-A. I realize now that was a mistake, but let me lay the groundwork for my insanity. Growing up there was only one CFA in West Virginia that I knew about. It was in the Huntington mall and they handed out free samples near one of the entrances. As a principal, I don’t trust restaurants that hand out free samples. Probably because they’re leftovers or food that fell on the floor. Also, I don’t trust stores that don’t have a brick-and-mortar establishment. Like those mall kiosks in the middle of the aisle when they jump in your path and try to rub lotion on you.

Back in 2008 is when I had my first exposure to CFA. My only concern is that I didn’t expose myself sooner because now I can’t stop myself from having CFA on a regular basis. It’s a cheat day staple. Since we’ve had kids it’s almost been a weekly trip to keep the addiction going. I wish they would branch out and open other restaurants. I’m sure I could get used to “Cow-Fil-A” or “Pig-Fil-A”, or maybe even “Trout-Fil-A”.

How much should you tip a waiter?

~ Alfred Tech

I’ve changed my strategy over the years, but I do not subscribe to automatic tipping. 20% is the max and it goes down from there.

10% Deductions

  • If the waiter attempts to show off and not write your order down and either get
    the order is wrong or has to come back to verify the order.
  • If your food has hair(s) in it, deduct an extra dollar for coarse curly hair(s)
  • If the silverware is not clean
  • Your salads arrive a minute after your appetizer
  • Then your meals arrive a minute later.
  • Another dollar if you still have no silverware.
  • If you touch any of us.

2% Deductions

  • If the waiter gets your drink order wrong
  • If the waiter brings your change in a bunch of small bills without you asking
  • The waiter asks if you want change, no matter the bill denomination
  • You have to ask for your change
  • If your change is greater than you should get. (a bit presumptuous are we?)
  • If your waiter comes back twice within a minute asking if you are ready to order.
  • Your table has leftovers from the last meal encrusted on the table.
  • When you order water and they never refill it. (I’m cheap, but I’m still thirsty)

1%

  • For each minute your drink is empty
  • If the waiter asks _how you guys doing_ when you have your mouth full.
  • Ask if we “saved room” for dessert after we requested for a takeout box.
  • If the color of the ink for signing the bill is other than blue or black
  • You ask for Malt Vinegar and you get Red Wine Vinegar.

100% (yes, I will ask you for money or a free meal)

  • Spill something on me or my family.
  • Drop food while carrying it to the table and put it back on the plate.
  • Sneeze on the food in front of us.
  • Use a smart a$$ response while we order.
  • Curse and Complain about the restaurant or your boss within earshot of my kids.

Extra Credit

  • Smile
  • The waiter doesn’t write down the order and gets it correct in every way
  • Recommend something that you’ve actually eaten there.
  • Act like you enjoy your job
  • Remember our names

I know being a waiter is a tough job. I’m guessing because I dislike tough jobs, so I’ve never been a waiter. You have to put up with jerks and picky eaters and people who don’t tip well regardless of great service. Don’t work there just because it pays well, do something you enjoy. If you hate being a waiter, go find something else to do so that you don’t ruin the restaurant’s reputation.  The customer isn’t always right, I know that firsthand. Customers are stupid and unreasonable and sometimes need a free side order of batter-fried crumbs with their long john silvers fish planks. Is that so much to ask?

What kind of things cause you to reconsider your tips?