When I was a kid I heard about the continental breakfast at the hotel we were staying. I thought this is going to be a huge breakfast of plate tectonic proportions. Rivers of sausage gravy, bacon tray falling over like water falls, mountains of biscuits, and piles of scrambled eggs thick like a tempur-pedic mattress.
To my dismay, I was greeted with a tray of donuts, danishes, cereal, juice, and coffee. I guess this is food that’s available on every continent and not continental is size.
We are partial to Hilton brand hotels. We enjoy the free breakfast at the Hampton Inn and Homewood suites takes it up a notch. Although not free, Hilton Garden Inn has a great buffet and it’s what I imagined as a child.
Everyone loves a guest who shows up with plans to stay for several days/weeks.
Eat whatever you want
I’m sure they won’t miss the small cake in the freezer. Look for an expensive bottle of wine your host has been saving for their first anniversary. Leave your slop trough of a plate on the counter, you are a guest, you shouldn’t have to do dishes on your vacation.
Go to bed Late
Watch whatever you want when your host goes to bed. Hopefully, they don’t have a passcode on their pay-per-view. Now would be a good time to make some popcorn.
As you hear the clanging of pans with your breakfast being prepared, yell from your quarters about how you are trying to get some shuteye. They must know that you’re exhausted from watching all those movies last night.
If they leave you alone for any amount of time, it’s a good opportunity to get to know them better by finding what they are hiding.
Smoke Cigarettes / Vape
If you don’t get a chance to stink up the guest room be sure to leave your butts in the flower garden. Be sure to tell the families, kids, that smoking is bad for as a urea plume is bellowing from your face cavity.
Stay as long as you want
Usually, after three days people start to feel uncomfortable with a guest being in their home. This is not your problem, start complaining about some of your favorites you’ve been eating and how someone needs to go to the store.
Legoland, Universal Studios Florida, and now Disney World offer “preferred parking”. It seems like a needless expense, but it depends on how long you stay in the park and how stubborn you are. I like to stay all day at a park because I refuse to waste money on those park tickets. However, I’m too frugal for parking upgrades. I’m remorseful on my way out of the park when I’m having to walk those extra 5 miles to my vehicle. I’m not a fan of waiting on the parking lot tram and the extra 10 minutes it takes for the “final” boarding call as people climb on top of the tram like it’s an escape from a war zone. The real war zone is free bus transportation.
No need for a FastPass if you want to watch concrete set at the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World. I’ll come back in seven years to check on it. Not everything has a FastPass at Walt Disney World, but some spots should. Here are a few ideas.
Bathrooms – Sometimes the sphincter muscles will not hold diarrhea at the doorstep. Some people would gladly exchange their Seven Dwarfs Mine Train pass for a luxury stall with Cottonelle wipes. Yes, you magic band would unlock the stall door.
Monorail – After a long day, nothing is more discouraging than waiting in a long cattle corral to get on a bacteria tube. Of course, if you have a motorized cart, you get an automatic FastPass, but you don’t want to fake an illness.
When I say coolest rides, I mean rides that you can sit down and cool off. These are not necessarily fun rides, but rides when you need a break from the heat and crowds and want to relax a bit. Here are my go-to rides that have relatively low wait to ride ratios.
Carousel of Progress
Large air-conditioned theater, low lights, and a nice view of the evolution of technology for the upper-middle-class family. I have noticed that people will get up in the middle of the ride and exit, which will prompt the PA announcer to bellow out hateful instructions to park their can in the seat. But this is my go-to ride on when I’m exhausted, it’s the most comfortable.
Again, cold and dark, but a bit funky smelling. One portion of the ride even reclines so that you can stretch out a bit. Very relaxing until that hitchhiker at the end removes your noggin.
It’s air-conditioned the old fashioned way, wind! Pretty comfortable and they will let you stay on if it’s not to busy. Sit back, put your feet up and don’t forget to WOOO! when you enter Space Mountain.
Hall of Presidents
Another great show with some history, ignore the massive revisionist history. Just enjoy the show and the people booing Barack Obama and Donald Trump robots.
Disney World Railroad
Best if you ride in the evening and get some more of that wind air conditioning. You can ride as long as you like and it makes a nice alternative from walking from Frontier Land to Main Street at the end of the day.
Sometimes you need a FastPass for the FastPass kiosk so you can get more FastPasses. That is probably the number one phrase I hear at Disney, “I’m so glad we got a FastPass”. Really? who doesn’t want a FastPass? Why would anyone say, “I’m so glad I get to wait in this 90-minute line for a 1 minute and 30-second ride. Of course, you can use the app or book ahead of time. However, it’s not beneficial unless you are staying at WDW resort and can get the FP+ for the Mine Train at 8 pm because you still don’t have the inside track on bookings. I recently visited the Magic Kingdom and I felt like I needed to get a FastPass for the trashcans, water fountains, toilet, and even to exit the park.
Fastpass helps and it’s far from perfect, but what you really need for maximum Disney enjoyment is to become super rich and take one of those guided tours where they shuffle you in and out of rides and give you all access to the underbelly of Disney. It might be easier to fake a horrible disease, but I’m sure Disney will vet you thoroughly via DNA scans and you can get your super cool Fastpass.
Selfie stick is banned? No problem, I’ll shove it up my butt if I have to sneak it in. Guy can even sneak in a cooler with lunch for his whole crew.
Line skipper Skip
This person will come to the front of the line when it’s time to ride. How do they accomplish this? They let someone else wait for them. Whether it be a grandmother in a scooter or a wife with a stroller he manages to let others do the waiting. Always uses the phrase. “So sorry, just catching up with my family”.
Stroller steam roller Sally
She has the biggest stroller you’ve ever seen and it’s her weapon to make a path through the park. Your ankles will be destroyed. It will be your fault if you are hit.
He’s related to Debbie and Patty, but he will reverse course in an instant. He will at least wait until you are right behind him and carrying a beverage so that it dumps over both of you.
Single Rider Abusing Bobby
Bobby will use the single rider line with his family of 12 leaving his younger children to fend for themselves either in line with strangers at the gift shop.
Never Hungry Hugh
He’s always munching on something. Turkey legs, popcorn, ice cream, and he’s never hungry. Not necessarily a fat person, but a person with deep pockets.
Frida like to use her flash on a dark ride, during fireworks, or to locate someone with the strobe effect on her phone. Frida doesn’t care if the ride is supposed to be dark and spooky. She’s the only person riding.
Body Oder Bo
BO Bo likes to sweat it up all day at the park while smelling like a tub of french onion dip. The tactic works as it frees up space around him and sometimes will make people leave the line because they will start craving wavy potato chips.
Dead Stop Debbie
She will be walking in front of you and then come to a complete stop to check for wait times. Keep a safe following distance to allow her to stop and clear a path for any Sally’s nearby.
Path Blocking Patty
She’s at the exit of a ride looking at her one of many hundreds of selfies from the previous ride. She’s could be waiting for the rest of her party at the Fastpass entrance. She doesn’t want you to experience the ride before her so she pleads for you to wait so her family can all ride together.
Always has a FastPass no matter what. Somehow he’s got a friend on the inside or is using the FastPass that he booked for his 2-year-old or wife who gets motion sick.