Road trip snack essentials.

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Tanker full of coffee? Grab a nozzle!

In this part of the country, I look out for Pilot or Flying J. I prefer those stores because they have relatively clean restrooms and a wide variety of beverages and food selections. Flying J Pilot stores have coffee that will flap your eyelids to your forehead like the old vinyl window shades at your grandmother’s house. I mix Pilot Dark roast with their Intense blend and throw in a Stok espresso shot it’s enough to keep you awake far beyond your destination.

Back in the college days before I drank coffee, it was Pepsi Big Slams and No-Doze for the long road trips. As long as I can remember I would choose a Pepsi product, Slim Jims, and white cheddar popcorn. Maybe some Doritos now and again. One of the biggest problems with eating chips in the car is there is never enough roof clearance to tilt the bag and drink the crumbs. Well, maybe if you buy the small bags.

How much would you pay for a soda?

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Worse than Disney prices

Or how much would you pay for water? Airports have you right where they want you. You can beat the game by packing your own water bottle and a few protein bars when hunger and thirst arrive before your already delayed flight.

That is of course unless you enjoy spending $100 on Doritos and a Coke Zero. My suggestion is you bring your own empty Camelbak through TSA and then fill it with sink, fountain, or filtered water. Even when I’m on a client’s per diem, I will not submit to this price gouging.  Remember, it’s not long until you get onboard your plane and get an ice-filled cup with a quarter can of soda.

Favorite hotel shower heads

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I used to love the shower heads at Holiday Inn Express, but since their beds are so uncomfortable I had to switch to Hilton branded hotels. I believe that Hilton uses Waterpik or Speakman, both are nice, but can’t compete with Kohler. I just wish I could find a nice metal Kohler shower head to purchase for home use. I bought Kohler model once, but it had a plastic mount and mount broke after a year. The replacement part was almost as much as a showerhead. So I just buy new shower heads every few years now.  I know you can clean them with a ziplock bag and whatever miracle liquid cleaner is on the market, but I know that there is still crud behind the nozzles deeper than the cleaner fluids can reach. Side note, don’t you find it disturbing when there is other hair in a hotel shower wall? You haven’t showered yet, so it’s not yours, and it will never wash down the drain no matter how much water you throw at it.

The moving walkway is coming to an end.


When you’re at an airport and you see one of those moving walkways do you stand to right or walk to the left? Maybe you stand to the left or and put your bags to the right? If it doesn’t surprise you, I’m a walker. Not in the zombie sense, but as someone who likes to use technology as it’s intended. The best part is it makes you feel like Captain America charging into battle against a group of Outriders, uh, other travelers. However, I do occasionally notice a person who actually walks faster than me as I’m walking on the human conveyor belt.

Of course, there are those people who can’t seem to read these floor markings. They treat it like an amusement ride or as a chance to get a break from traveling faster than an Hoveround. I love the awkward step when you leave the treadmill. The robot voice will even warn you that the floor will stop moving. Sometimes I like to stand there at the end just to see if people will walk around me or pile up like lemmings.

Homewood Hoarding

Do you let your kids eat breakfast by themselves? I imagine the family that was allowing this behavior that follows simply said, “Your Father and I are going to sleep in go down and eat whatever you want.”

As I was cooking a waffle there was a young child spooning chocolate chips into a coffee cup. He keeps looking over at me after each scoop until it was empty of its contents. I guess he wanted someone to tell him to stop. Then his younger brother came over, opened up the chocolate chip container saw that it was empty and walked away. Their sister did the same thing.

Each child had a to-go box filled with breakfast items. One was filled with bananas, another with oranges, and another one with hot chocolate packets. All claimed it was food for the road. No one said anything, and it was quite a bit of food. I wonder what the parents thought when the kids brought all this food back to the room.

Sleep deprived airline passenger…

This person is asleep at the gate when you are waiting on the plane. They somehow wake up long enough to get inside the plane (before you), and when you walk past they are already sound asleep. They sleep through snack time, but sometimes wake up for some burnt coffee and moldy nuts. This person is actually not sleeping they just don’t want to talk to you or let you get up to use the toilet. Or maybe they are dead.

Recommended Gear for the SDAP:

 

How to fail at running an AirBNB

 

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Shower head repair

I’ve never stayed at an AirBNB aka “Murder Bed and Breakfast”, and hope never to. I’ve compiled a list of everything you need to do to be a terrible host and make sure no one comes back.

Don’t be Home / Don’t Answer the Door

If you are expecting company, simply don’t be there to greet them. This will cause an unsettling feeling in your guest that they’re at the wrong house or have the dates mixed up. You can also invite them to stay and not tell them you are inviting others, and work out a deal with your neighbor so they can sleep there.

Don’t clean your house

Dirt piles in corners, dust bunnies hovering, and diarrhea back splash in the toilet are just a few things that show you don’t care about yourself or your guests. Broken fixtures in the guest bathroom will also build a growing angst in your guests. If you have pets makes sure that when they take a dump or pee in the floor you ignore it. Be sure to store all of your dirty clothes in the guest bathroom too. Dirty dishes piled up that are attracting subterranean creatures will discourage use of the kitchen.

Don’t have any food

Especially food your guest might like. Don’t plan ahead and stockpile the fridge with their favorites. Turn your place into a bed and make your own breakfast. Keep old cereal and just enough milk to cover the bottom of the bowl. Hide your good coffee and only offer Keurig.

Hide and Go Seek

Make it hard to find towels and washcloths. Keep the good towels in your bathroom so that your half naked guest has to rummage around your hallway linen closet and dry off with discolored hand towels. Keep the toilet paper anywhere but in the guest bathroom so that you cause the current hand towel to become discolored.

Stay up Late

Long after your guests have turned in, keep up your loud antics of yelling at sporting events. Random bursts of laughter from the poker or board game will surely inspire insomnia for the next few hours.

Sleep in

There is nothing quite as awkward as waking up in someone else’s home while they’re still sleeping. It’s like you’ve broken into their home and you’re are trying not to startle them from sleep. They might forget you’ve spent the night, which leads to you being on the receiving end of a buckshot breakfast.

Conclusion

Hopefully your guests didn’t pack their bags and sneak out of your house in the middle of the night because they didn’t get a good shower or a hearty meal and are covered in bugs and dog poop.