There is another type of airline passenger that is even more annoying than the “first classer”. It’s the passenger next to you who doesn’t listen. If you pick an aisle seat you end up being their personal ambassador to the flight attendant. Here are a few of their trademark characteristics.
- Opens the tray table upon arriving at their seat.
- Also reclines their seat
- Keeps their phone active after several attempts by the flight attendant to switch to airplane mode.
- Uses noise-canceling headphones so they don’t hear the snack options and they have to be repeated
- Goes to the bathroom once the plane starts to land or begins takeoff.
- Reclines seat upon takeoff after flight attendant has sat down
- Opens tray table and returns to text messaging.
- Unbuckles seatbelt as soon as the plane’s wheels touch the runway.
It’s like they’ve never flown before. These are the type of people who will be asking how to inflate their life vest once you are swimming away from the fuselage.
I’ve actually only flown first class once in my life. I was booking a client trip and saw that one of the legs was cheaper if I booked first class. I saved the client $200 on airfare by doing so. However, when my expense report was turned in to the client it was rejected because I didn’t book an economy flight. Common sense < Business sense.
However here are a few tips if you do get to fly first class.
- Stand in the ultra-premium sky priority lane upon arrival at the gate, this lets others know you are first class
- As you pass the attendant get that Jack and Coke drink order started.
- Here you have a few options
- Pretend to be in such a relaxed mode that you can barely keep your eyes open.
- Crack open the laptop and bang away at those keys as to show how important and busy you are.
- Chug that first Jack and Coke and order another
- Be the guy that stares at everyone who walks by. Don’t forget to smirk
- Don’t forget to cross your legs so that you can show the economy passengers how much seat and leg room you have
- Sit in the economy section by mistake. When someone comes along and says you have their seat, show them your ticket and say “Oh yeah, I’m in first class” Don’t forget your 3rd glass of Jack and Coke that you brought with you.
First of all, pets are not children, they are animals. Yes, children are technically animals but they are a higher class and they eventually can clean up their own feces. Dogs can not pick up their own poop unless you consider eating feces cleaning up. Thankfully, my children have never eaten their own excrement, that I know of.
More and more I’m seeing dogs in strollers and in baby carriers at airports. People are using “service dogs” for all sorts of reasons. There are people who actually need service dogs and I understand that. But some people are severely allergic to dogs. If you are sitting near a dog, you are going to have a bad flight, especially if the dog takes a dump in the seat.
Bumper stickers are taking shots at parents by saying that their dog is smarter than your honor student. Nonsense, let’s see your dog use a pencil and write their name or enter a spelling bee. Women proudly display “Dog Mom” on their cars, but we already have another name for that and it probably fits the bill.
Honestly, I wish raising kids was as easy as having a pet, but it’s not near as rewarding. Kids are awesome and not just because they don’t eat their own feces.
The best cure is to not overindulge in alcoholic beverages. Or you could visit a doctor in a hotel lobby that will stick an intravenous drip of fluids in your body. I guess I’ll “stick” to drinking in moderation.
I noticed an airline pilot sitting down to dinner at the airport. He was opening up a bag of McDonald’s food. My initial reaction was concern because it makes me think that this person doesn’t make good decisions.
However, a salad emerged from the brown sack. I was then relieved for a moment because now my thought was maybe he’s not that bad of a decision maker after all. But then again, who goes to McDonald’s for a salad when there are so many other healthy options.
Then it occurred to me that the pilot is budget savvy. Then I thought, why am I staring at this pilot while he eats his salad.
So Disney has decided to remove the “human trafficking” scene in the popular Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland and Magic Kingdom. Yes, the pirates ride. Just look up what real pirates have done in the past. So if you really think about it, the whole ride should be shut down. This scene was removed and replaced with a lady pirate with red hair. However, the war mongering, torture, arson, thievery, drunkenness, domestic violence towards men scenes will stay.
Please just leave the rides alone.
Who doesn’t love the beach? Well, I for one really do not care for it. The sand, the sunburn, the people. Anytime people get near water is seems their brain reduces functionality.
Setup fishing poles in front of other families so that children get caught in the lines and potentially get hooked. Bring games where you throw objects that land onto others beach area causing sand to fly onto them.
Bring Your Pets
Cats love the sand, it’s just one giant litter box. Buried treasure is always fun for kids when they go digging in the sand. Keep a dog tied up to a food filled wagon so he can eat his fill. Let him loose to swim and allow him to take a huge dump where others children are playing in the water.
Bring some Food
Seagulls love food as much as you do. Once they see that wonderful white bread they will terrorize anyone around. Feed them so that it becomes a problem for other families.
Booze it Up!
Even though the beach is alcohol free, bring your booze inside of a Sonic styrofoam cup or Gatorade bottle. You can still get drunk, obnoxious, and curse at the top of your lungs when your corn hole bag doesn’t hit the target. Don’t forget to blast profane music while your inhibitions are reduced causing you to grind each other on the beach.
With these tips, I’m sure everyone will have a good time at the beach.