Best and Worst Times to Visit Disney World

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Walt Disney telling you to leave!

When a hurricane is there

The park will be closed and you won’t be able to get through the gates, well you probably could, but you would go to jail. Not Disney jail, but real jail, where the mice bite and try to violate you. However, if you are on the property then you are safe. Disney Resorts are made to withstand a Category 5 hurricane. They will treat you like royalty and since they are their own municipality, you will have power sooner.

When it’s hot

You will sweat profusely and you will get dehydrated if you don’t buy the $4 bottles of water. Don’t drink the soda and beer or you will dehydrate faster. And be broker faster

When there are numerous amount of people there

Holiday’s and weekends are the worst, and holiday weekends are a no-brainer to stay away.

When you just bought new shoes

That is unless you like blisters on your feet. Never take a brand new pair of shoes into the park. Don’t buy a brand new pair of waterproof timberland boots for your July trip. Your boots will be filled with pain and suffering.

When a new ride is open

Well, it might be a good time to visit other areas of the parks except for Pandora, Seven Dwarfs Mine train, or Peter Pan’s Flight

When a new area is open

I can’t imagine what masses of humanity will be drawn to the parks once Star Wars Galaxies Edge is open.

Remember, there is no slow season no matter what anyone tells you. If you are going to go, just do it and enjoy your time. If someone says they got on all the rides with no waiting they are lying, and you shouldn’t be friends with liars.

How to use a crosswalk

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People have been confused for decades about the real meaning of the crosswalk signals. The red hand doesn’t mean stop, it’s waving at you, telling you it’s safe to cross! The other signal is a chalk outline of a dead guy informing that you will perish if you try to cross.

I’ve always heard those crosswalk buttons don’t have anything to do with the traffic signals. Crosswalk buttons are installed because pushing a button will give a sense of control before you’re flattened by a city bus you didn’t see because you were too busy checking your twitter. There have been several occasions where people crossed in front of my car and told me to stop with their raised hand. I had no idea they had the right of way to cross a busy intersection while I had a green light. I finally get it, I’ve had these crosswalk signals mixed up all along!

If you visit a big metropolitan area you know it’s safe to cross when the city folk begin entering the intersection before the signal changes. Trust them.

Don’t ruin your trip to Washington DC

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Stay in Virginia

Unless you like throwing away money, you can stay at a similar hotel in Arlington Virginia for a fraction of the cost. I recommend the Homewood Suites near the Rosslyn Metro station. They have a free shuttle to Rosslyn Metro which will connect you to the Orange, Blue, and Silver lines.

Use the Metro Rail

If you love driving around and seeing endless brake lights, then by all mean, hop in your automobile. Overcome your fear of confined underground metal bacteria tubes and use the Metro Rail. I’d suggest starting at $20 per rider and refilling it as needed. You can get to all the major sights by using this transportation method if you don’t mind a little walking to and from the Metro stations.

Contact your Senator

If you plan ahead you can contact your state Senator and book a White House, Capital, and Library of Congress Tour. The Capital tour was my favorite because it was a small group and our guide was very knowledgeable. We also got to ride the underground people mover from the Senator’s office to the Capital Building. Plus we got to go in rooms not available to the general public.

Pack Light (most of the time)

For Government buildings, you will be restricted to small purses or handbag. Don’t bring a backpack with everyone’s lunch or water bottles. If you take a capital tour with your Senator’s office, you can leave your backpack in the air-conditioned office and pick it up when you are done. You can take pictures and they will let you know with vigor when you can’t. Small point and shoot camera or your smartphone are fine. Do not attempt to bring your SLR with a 600mm lens.

Bring a reusable water bottle and snacks

For times you can bring a larger bag (museum days), fill a reusable water bottle with ice from your hotel. Most places have those filtered reusable water stations that remind you haven’t killed any sea turtles today.  There aren’t many options to eat at the National Mall, so pack a few snacks so that you don’t have any hangry meltdowns.

Minimize your walking

Don’t try to do the National Mall in one day. Going from the Capital Building to the Lincoln Memorial is quite a haul. We did it, it is possible, but I regret it. Try to plan your museum visits based on your metro stops.

Use the DC Circular

To help minimize your walking there is a large red bus that will stop at all major spots in and around the National Mall. It’s only $1 for as long as you ride. Some drivers will let your kids on for free. Good for getting from one end of the National Mall to the other.

Suggested YouTube Channel: Trip Hacks DC

 

Worst time you ever had to go pee?

There have been a few times when I felt like my bladder would stretch beyond capacity and burst inside my body. However, there is one time that stands out more than most. The first anniversary of my marriage, my spouse and I decided to visit Orlando Florida for the first time together. Little did she know that it would soon become an obsession and I would want to go every year or maybe even move there.

During this time in my life, I was very successful in losing weight with diet, exercise and a pill called Xenadrine which was a diuretic. I also drank a couple of 20 oz Diet Mountain Dews that morning as well. Needless to say, fluids would eventually need to exit my body. We were driving through South Carolina when the urge began to build. It’s one of those times when you say to yourself, “I can make it one more exit”. Well, the last time I said that I must have missed the sign that said next rest area 1000 miles.

We finally made it to the Georgia welcome center and I must have urinated for 20 minutes. If you have kids, stop at every rest area, it’s good for you to stretch your legs and for them to empty their bladders. Otherwise, they will need to go 20 minutes before you get home and there is nowhere to stop except that gas station that people are murdered in. Plus, you don’t want them to pee on the side of the road and end up in jail for public urination.

What is the best Hot Chicken?

Shut the Cluck Up!

I had several people recommend Hattie B’s so I had to try it. I’ve been a chili head since I was a teenager, so I had to go for the top rung of “Shut the Cluck up” Hot Chicken. I’ll admit it was very hot. My body had an instant reaction, I started to hiccup and my eyeballs turned red and began to leak capsicum.  The piece of bread underneath was disintegrated into a pool of grease and fire juice. There were a few pickle chips as well, but at that point, I couldn’t feel my face so my taste buds were dysfunctional.

The real “wake-up call” came the next day at 6am. I’m so glad I had the foreknowledge to pack some Cottonelle wipes, it literally saved my behind from the exit wounds. Doesn’t matter how much of a heat tolerance your upper orifice can handle, the lower one is never able to compensate.

Tip: Order the Damn Hot and Shut the Cluck Up, eat the Damn Hot First, the second doesn’t seem as bad

The non-listener airline passenger

There is another type of airline passenger that is even more annoying than the “first classer”. It’s the passenger next to you who doesn’t listen. If you pick an aisle seat you end up being their personal ambassador to the flight attendant. Here are a few of their trademark characteristics.

  • Opens the tray table upon arriving at their seat.
  • Also reclines their seat
  • Keeps their phone active after several attempts by the flight attendant to switch to airplane mode.
  • Uses noise-canceling headphones so they don’t hear the snack options and they have to be repeated
  • Goes to the bathroom once the plane starts to land or begins takeoff.
  • Reclines seat upon takeoff after flight attendant has sat down
  • Opens tray table and returns to text messaging.
  • Unbuckles seatbelt as soon as the plane’s wheels touch the runway.

It’s like they’ve never flown before. These are the type of people who will be asking how to inflate their life vest once you are swimming away from the fuselage.

Guide to flying first class

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I’ve actually only flown first class once in my life. I was booking a client trip and saw that one of the legs was cheaper if I booked first class. I saved the client $200 on airfare by doing so. However, when my expense report was turned in to the client it was rejected because I didn’t book an economy flight. Common sense < Business sense.

However here are a few tips if you do get to fly first class.

  • Stand in the ultra-premium sky priority lane upon arrival at the gate, this lets others know you are first class
  • As you pass the attendant get that Jack and Coke drink order started.
  • Here you have a few options
    1. Pretend to be in such a relaxed mode that you can barely keep your eyes open.
    2. Crack open the laptop and bang away at those keys as to show how important and busy you are.
    3. Chug that first Jack and Coke and order another
    4. Be the guy that stares at everyone who walks by. Don’t forget to smirk
  • Don’t forget to cross your legs so that you can show the economy passengers how much seat and leg room you have
  • Sit in the economy section by mistake. When someone comes along and says you have their seat, show them your ticket and say “Oh yeah, I’m in first class” Don’t forget your 3rd glass of Jack and Coke that you brought with you.