This restaurant will always get a five star rating

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Yes

When you travel it’s nice to stop off somewhere for a quick bite to eat. However fast food has become more and more disgusting as I grow older. Kentucky Fried Fish or Long John Chicken are two that I have a soft spot for. Well, several soft spots and not just because Long John Silver’s got me out of the hospital.

The sad thing is more and more Long John Silver’s are setting sail over the horizon. While I’m not a fan of hybrid restaurants I think they could do better to draw in more foodies. For instance, take the batter from Long John Silver’s and infuse it with KFC’s 11 herbs and spices. Take a couple of fish planks and cover it in mash potatoes and gravy for a nice Irish fisherman’s pie. The possibilities are endless!

Guide to driving on the interstate highway

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Far left lane

You are also known as the pace car. Your job is to keep everyone going the speed limit. If they pass you on the right they are then breaking the law. But so are you by continually using the far left lane. Buy hey someone else will be using it if you don’t, so why shouldn’t it be you. You are trying to keep everyone safe by obeying the posted speed limit.

Middle lane(s)

This one is a bit tricky. You have to work well with others. If you can find an 18-wheeler then you are golden. Just keep pace with them and you can now block two lanes of traffic. Bonus points if they are in the far left lane.

Far right lane

Your job here is to block people from merging in and off the interstate. You don’t want people in front or behind you. Your goal is to run them into the grass or wrap them around a tree.  It’s also your duty to ruin peoples cruise control pace. Try to maintain a 5 to 10 MPH under the speed limit.

HOV Lane

If your city has an HOV lane then you must use it no matter what. If you don’t want to carpool and don’t have any friends or family. By now, your driving habits should secure that status for you. You will need to construct some sort of stuffed clothes mannequin, or just follow the rules of using the Far left lane and play dumb when you get pulled over and cause everyone to be an hour late for work.

Make your own lane

Finally, if all else fails, make your own lane. This can be driving on the lines if you have a motorcycle. You can also drive on the shoulder or medians to pass people if you are in a hurry. Above all else remember, you are the most important person on the road, so act like it!

 

Do you miss Net Neutrality?

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Now that Net Neutrality has been repealed, do you miss it? Do you even notice it? To me, it sounds like people are trying to say that people have a “right” to a fast internet connection. The next step is that everyone gets free gigabit broadband. The Internet is not a public utility, you still have to pay for it, just as you do water, electricity, feces removal, and rubbish pickup. If you want a better service I think if you should have to pay for it. Why would your ISP want to slow down Netflix, Hulu, Amazon streaming? Not everyone has a right to a transportation. You can ride your skateboard, bike, bus, train, personal vehicle, luxury car, commercial jet, or private charter plane. Which one would you rather take? In my opinion, it sounds like people are being paranoid because they don’t want to give up their favorite “free speech” websites. Take that however you want to. Since we are on the subject of “public utilities”. What about…

Water Neutrality

I will gladly pay more for premium filtered water coming into my house rather than the water that smells like it was just boiling a dozen duck eggs dipped in the sewage treatment plant. However, do I think that if I used my allotted water my water company will cut me off and let me die of thirst, no? But I pay more per month if I use more water, and I pay a minimum no water what. If I don’t pay my bill, then I get no more water.

Electricity Neutrality

I’d love a service where I didn’t get any brownouts. Companies are really cashing in on putting solar panels on your roof. What about energy neutrality, shouldn’t it all be free since the sun is free?

Website Neutrality

I already pay more for my internet because I want faster speeds, I don’t want buffering of my YouTube and Netflix so I have a business account. This way I don’t have to share bandwidth with all my neighbors who are playing video games. Truth is, I’ve already paid premium rates for Hulu with no commercials. Guess what, there were still commercials.

Trash collection Neutrality

I’ll pay more for a service where I can fill up as many containers as I want rather than just the one small one. And without bags, and I’ll pay someone to sort my plastic, glass, and cardboard. I stopped recycling because it became too much of a chore to separate all the crap myself. I don’t care about the environment anymore. Our society hates children anyway, so why should we care about their future?

Conclusion

Universities already have Internet 2 How is that fair with net neutrality? There is also this thing called the “Dark Web”, and I really have no interest in it. That thinking will still exist regardless. However, I would be interested in something called the “Light Web”. An internet that doesn’t have all the depravity, perversions, and other garbage so I don’t have to put a million filters on my internet router so I can keep my children sheltered as long as possible. Right now I guess the “Grey Web” will have to do.

Calling people Sir or Ma’am

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Sir  Is used as a polite or respectful way of addressing a man, especially one in a position of authority

Ma’am Is a term of respectful or polite address used for a woman.

However, whenever I hear this directed towards another human at a retail, restaurant, or another place of business during a customer complaint, it always has the connotation of @$$h0le or B!tch. It’s never used with endearment but rather as derogatory. It’s overused with emphasis that you are not getting what you want no matter how reasonable you are being. To be blunt it’s a power trip for the person using it. It’s like calling your dog a stupid idiot, but using a nice voice so he still wags his tail and licks his chops with excitement.

Do you share food with your dog?

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I’m not talking about a table scrap thrown to the floor for them to enjoy and get diarrhea later. I’m speaking of something I’m seeing more often in public. People giving dogs their own ice cream cone and sharing a table at a restaurant. Yes, there are dining establishments that now have portions of their menu dedicated to dogs. Drive-thru banks having dog treats in addition to lollipops for your children.

What I saw today disturbed me. A grown man with a shaved ice treat sitting on a bench at an outlet mall sharing it with a standard poodle. One cup and two spoons. There is a myth that a dog’s mouth is clean. But in reality, it’s only clean for them, since their saliva may or may not contain antiseptic and antibacterial properties. They can still reach their testicles and butt hole and they may have just finished off a serving of gnat butter before you dipped their spoon into your dessert.

The non-listener airline passenger

There is another type of airline passenger that is even more annoying than the “first classer”. It’s the passenger next to you who doesn’t listen. If you pick an aisle seat you end up being their personal ambassador to the flight attendant. Here are a few of their trademark characteristics.

  • Opens the tray table upon arriving at their seat.
  • Also reclines their seat
  • Keeps their phone active after several attempts by the flight attendant to switch to airplane mode.
  • Uses noise-canceling headphones so they don’t hear the snack options and they have to be repeated
  • Goes to the bathroom once the plane starts to land or begins takeoff.
  • Reclines seat upon takeoff after flight attendant has sat down
  • Opens tray table and returns to text messaging.
  • Unbuckles seatbelt as soon as the plane’s wheels touch the runway.

It’s like they’ve never flown before. These are the type of people who will be asking how to inflate their life vest once you are swimming away from the fuselage.

Guide to flying first class

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I’ve actually only flown first class once in my life. I was booking a client trip and saw that one of the legs was cheaper if I booked first class. I saved the client $200 on airfare by doing so. However, when my expense report was turned in to the client it was rejected because I didn’t book an economy flight. Common sense < Business sense.

However here are a few tips if you do get to fly first class.

  • Stand in the ultra-premium sky priority lane upon arrival at the gate, this lets others know you are first class
  • As you pass the attendant get that Jack and Coke drink order started.
  • Here you have a few options
    1. Pretend to be in such a relaxed mode that you can barely keep your eyes open.
    2. Crack open the laptop and bang away at those keys as to show how important and busy you are.
    3. Chug that first Jack and Coke and order another
    4. Be the guy that stares at everyone who walks by. Don’t forget to smirk
  • Don’t forget to cross your legs so that you can show the economy passengers how much seat and leg room you have
  • Sit in the economy section by mistake. When someone comes along and says you have their seat, show them your ticket and say “Oh yeah, I’m in first class” Don’t forget your 3rd glass of Jack and Coke that you brought with you.