There have been a few go-to items that I reach for if I need to produce a ton of gas. Why do I need to produce so much gas? Because it’s funny and my friends enjoy the noise. Boiled eggs paired with a brimming bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch will generate stomach churning flatus power for hours. Depending on the size of the bowl and how many eggs you ate, you will actually get tired of farting. You might even gag when you wake yourself up from the loudness of your new tooting alarm.
I usually don’t recommend holding in a fart, but if you can consciously help it, then don’t let it out in one of these places.
Such as the gateway arch transport, there is no escape and it’s just cruel to unleash your cloud of hatred here.
Most churches have padded chairs, but you might find one that has the old wooden pews. Just blame your pillar of cloud on the spirit moving you, many churchgoers won’t quench the spirit.
During an MRI
You absolutely can’t move and it might destroy the image they are trying to capture. Plus only you get to smell it, and that’s no fun.
I know it’s cliche, but if you must, wait until you are about to get off. It’s the quickest way to move your stink from the ground floor so that people on the 13th floor can enjoy it.
It’s probably the easiest way to get the doctor to enter the room. Once you unleash it they will enter and probably put you on a probiotic regimen. Bonus points for holding it in after a prostate exam.
When I was first married, I thought it would be nice to slowly introduce the spouse to some of the food I enjoyed while living in the Deep South. One night I prepared Red Beans and Rice with cornbread. I went all out and bought two boxes of Tony Chachere’s from the local Food Lion. Well after a few bites in she decided it was too spicy, and plus I forgot about her terrible acid reflux.
So what now? I had a huge pot of red beans and rice that I didn’t want all that Cajun goodness to go to waste. Well, I suffered through and consumed red beans and rice for every meal for the next few days until it was gone. Let me tell you, re-hydrated red beans are probably the most gassy. At first I thought all the farting was hilarious! But after a full day of constant farts every 5 to 10 minutes and gut wrenching gas that felt like someone was using an air compressor to inflate my large intestine, my pucker muscle was fatigued. I just wanted it to stop and so did my wife.
I was starting to leave permanent odors on my office chair from trying to hold them in. I didn’t want to kill any of the office plants or cause workman’s comp cases for my co-workers. Some lessons you learn the hard way.
There is no doubt my favorite cereal is Kashi Go-Lean Crunch. The cereal serves dual purposes. One it tastes delicious and two it produces so much gas that it keeps everyone away from me. I can time it like clockwork. I eat a huge bowl first thing in the morning and by high noon, there is a showdown at poopie corral. I’m expelling flatus about every two minutes and it continuous all into the the night.
Once I was going to play golf and wanted to load up on ammo for the course. My wife knew what I was up to and hid the box from me. I had to pick up some Bojangles Cajun Filet biscuits instead.
However, the sad news is I physically can’t consume it any longer. The problem is the gas production. I eat a bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch for breakfast and by the afternoon my body is producing so much natural gas I could heat a small village. It’s funny at first with all the farting, but after a few hours you get exhausted. So long Kashi Go Lean Crunch our relationship has run out of gas.