Month: April 2023

This always happens the last part of a trip.

~ Alfred Tech
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It never fails, you’ve been on the road for hours upon hours. You’ve tried to hold your urine as long as possible because you want to make it home without using another filthy gas station toilet. Last twenty minutes or so before you reach your destination, a car darts out in front of you. There was clearly no one behind them for 30 miles, but they felt this was the best chance they had to enter the roadway. This causes your brake pads to become one with the rotors as it sends your leftover Popeye’s chicken crumbs flying on the dashboard.

They are in no hurry either! They cautiously slow down at every side street just in case there is someone dumb enough to pull out in front of them. By now you can feel the bladder distension and infection forming from all the Pilot Coffee that has been brewing in there all day. You then realize this person in front of you lives just down the street and you will be following them all the way to your house. Don’t hold it too long or you may get a kidney stone. Time to look for one of those empty coffee cups.

Is it really your pleasure Chick-fil-A?

~ Alfred Tech

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I know they are required to say it, but it sounds so disingenuous and rehearsed. I wonder if they have a code word similar to people at Disney World when they say “Have a magical day”. Maybe “My Pleasure” is the code word and they hate all their customers. Maybe I’ll just stop saying thank you and save them the trouble.

I used to avoid Chick-Fil-A. I realize now that was a mistake, but let me lay the groundwork for my insanity. Growing up there was only one CFA in West Virginia that I knew about. It was in the Huntington mall and they handed out free samples near one of the entrances. As a principal, I don’t trust restaurants that hand out free samples. Probably because they’re leftovers or food that fell on the floor. Also, I don’t trust stores that don’t have a brick-and-mortar establishment. Like those mall kiosks in the middle of the aisle when they jump in your path and try to rub lotion on you.

Back in 2008 is when I had my first exposure to CFA. My only concern is that I didn’t expose myself sooner because now I can’t stop myself from having CFA on a regular basis. It’s a cheat day staple. Since we’ve had kids it’s almost been a weekly trip to keep the addiction going. I wish they would branch out and open other restaurants. I’m sure I could get used to “Cow-Fil-A” or “Pig-Fil-A”, or maybe even “Trout-Fil-A”.

They’re growing up too fast…

~ Alfred Tech
http_a.amz.mshcdn.comwp-contentuploads201507tallestman-20
He grew up too fast

People are always saying this about their children. However, it’s very sad for me. Usually, people say this when they haven’t seen their kids in a while because the lapse in time periods makes it seem as if the child is growing at an alarming rate. It’s even worse if a parent says this about their own kids. It makes me think that you are not paying attention to your kid. Unless you are injecting your kids with HGH or they have a pituitary gland disorder then your kids are probably growing at a normal pace for a human. Or maybe it’s just a figure of speech, who knows!

Off to greener pastures…

~ Alfred Tech
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This is usually said when someone goes off to a new job. But you need to be careful. There may be a ton of cow manure that is causing the greenness. The greener pasture idea is excellent, but eventually, the greenness will fade and you will start looking for the new and shiny again. Learn to be content, unless your life is in danger with your current job or it’s causing you to lose your family. Money isn’t everything, flexibility and PTO though, that’s another story.

How to selfie the right way.

~ Alfred Tech
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Please remember to look at the camera lens and not the image on your screen. It does make a difference. The selfies where your gaze is slightly askew are annoying. It’s even more irritating if you have a group shot and everyone is focused on themselves on the smartphone view screen. Think about it. You don’t go to Olan Mills and look off to the left or right (that’s for Glamour Shots only), you look at the lens!

When’s the best time to buy a new car?

~ Alfred Tech
Old car at Pentre-cwm by Jeremy Bolwell is licensed under CC-BY-SA 2.0

If you have a television and you watch commercials for car dealers, they tell you right now is the best time to buy with incredible savings. However, if you wait another month you will get the best savings of the year. Then the next month it will be the absolute best time for rock bottom prices that will never happen again in all of eternity. If you keep waiting for the best sale of the year it will never happen and you will keep driving your beater until it falls apart.

The best time to buy a car is when you need one. If you are paying a monthly repair cost that equals a car payment and you are inconvenienced by the constant time of your vehicle being in the shop, then it’s time to start looking. There are plenty of websites that will help you negotiate the best deal possible.

Stop telling your kids they’re doing a good job

~ Alfred Tech
Gioco Delle Donne, E Sue Facende (Game of Wives, And Their Chores) by Giuseppe Maria Mitelli is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

Not sure why this phrase bothers me so much, but I hear it used all the time when parents praise their kids. I guess because typically you get paid for a job, but if you are not handing out paper with your praise, then here are a few alternatives that I consciously express towards my young ones.

  • Good work
  • Great effort
  • Fantastic accomplishment
  • Superb achievement
  • Impressive performance
  • Majestic results
  • Glorious showing

Just a few to get you started. Feel free to correct other parents.

There are no men’s restrooms anymore.

~ Alfred Tech
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Do you go #1 or #2 in this thing?
On our way back from a long trip we stopped at a gas station to use the toilets. I noticed a line of ladies had formed outside the bathrooms. As I approached the men’s room a woman walked out and another one entered without hesitation.
Me: “Are we having some gender confusion here ladies?”
Random Lady: “Women have babies so we get to use your bathrooms”
I didn’t understand her logic so I fired back…
Me: “Men get kicked in the testicles so we can use your bathrooms?

 

Another time I went to a store and had to use the toilet. To my surprise, there was only a “Family” and a woman’s restroom. My family wasn’t with me, so I had to use the woman’s restroom, no other choice.

It’s not the first time I’ve used a woman’s toilet. I was interviewing for a job and was exhausted from the long flight and uncomfortable hotel bed. After my lunch, with the recruiter, I met my sister at Sam’s club to buy some snacks. I stopped off at the bathroom first and wondered why there were no urinals. I picked a stall next to someone who was sitting. I stood up to pee as normal. As I walked out I did a double take as I saw the “Men’s” sign as I exited the Woman’s restroom. My sister was doubled over in laughter, but I’m sure the lady that was still in the toilet was just as confused as I was.

Now that we are moving to Gender Neutral restrooms in public places this gives a whole new meaning to the term, “Baby Changing Stations”. I hope people don’t do anything stupid.

Our planet has a garbage crisis

~ Alfred Tech
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It all goes to the same place

I’m not talking about landfills or the Pacific Ocean filling up with plastic bags. I’m referring to the decision-making process of how to throw out our rubbish. When did it become such a chore to throw something into the trash can? Back in the old days we just used to throw it on the ground or out the car window. That was until our earth day friends started showing commercials with Native Americans crying.

I try to do my duty when it comes to recycling, but even the local dump has implemented full garbage segregation. They have one bin for glass, one for plastic, and one for cardboard. I miss the days of throwing it all in one giant hole, covering it with gasoline, and setting it ablaze.

Dueling Dual Drive-Thrus

~ Alfred Tech
You chose the wrong line!

I’m not sure when it began, but dual Drive-Thrus is almost a deal breaker when choosing a fast food establishment. Chick-fil-A is the only successful one to date because they are a well-oil machine that does almost everything right. McDonald’s has to be the worst and here’s why.

Today I was picking up some breakfast sandwiches and chose the shorter of two lines (9:01am). That’s always a mistake because the longer line will zip through cars as the two vehicles in front of you will order one of every menu item. Once you get to the merge lane other cars think that if they jump in front of you they will get their food faster. Nope, it just causes confusion at the window. Case in point, the window person had to ask what I ordered. I just gave her the total she quoted me. I paid, then moved on to the next window (9:10am).

As I watched the digital clock display tick away minutes, I couldn’t help but think I could’ve baked biscuits, fried bacon, and cooked some eggs in this amount of time. By the time I got my order (9:29am), it was almost lunchtime. Yeah, about 30 minutes in a McDonald’s drive-thru. My kids said the food was hot and tasty, but then I explained what a queuing oven was.