Happy Mother’s Day

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I’m surprised that this phrase is not considered offensive in our fast-paced world of sensitivity. Is it more difficult to be a Mom in this society than it was a few decades ago?

Well no, a few decades ago you had small children, now you have adults that are your children and you can do what you want. But if you are a mother today with small children it’s tough because small children are hard to manage sometimes. However, if your small children are large then they’re strenuous to lift unless you are one of the weightlifter moms who gets your kids fat on purpose so you can build your muscles. That’s wrong, maybe you should just stick to weights and put your baby on a healthy eating plan. If you want to, I’m not telling you how to mom your kids.

They’re growing up too fast…

 

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He grew up too fast

People are always saying this about their children. However, it’s very sad to me. Usually, people say this when they haven’t seen your kids in awhile because of the lapse in time periods makes it seem as if the child is growing at an alarming rate. It’s even worse if a parent says this about their own kids. It makes me think that you are not paying attention to your kid. Unless you are injecting your kids with HGH or they have a pituitary gland disorder then your kids are probably growing at a normal pace for a human. Or maybe it’s just a figure of speech, who knows!

 

Stop telling your kids they’re doing a good job

Not sure why this phrase bothers me so much, but I hear it used all the time when parents praise their kids. I guess because typically you get paid for a job, but if you are not handing out paper with your praise, then here are a few alternatives that I consciously express towards my young ones.

  • Good work
  • Great effort
  • Fantastic accomplishment
  • Superb achievement
  • Impressive performance
  • Majestic results
  • Glorious showing

Just a few to get you started. Feel free to correct other parents.

The Dangerous Fun of a Swing Set.


In our age of helicopter parenting, we now have to make sure that our kids don’t fall off swings. The super swing disc looks like a great idea, but it’s not cheaper than an old tire tied to a rope to a tree branch that will snap at any moment. I mean, that was the whole point of swings, the danger! Swinging on an old rusty hole ridden swing set with uneven legs rocking back and forth is how we tested our limits of fear.

There was always that one moment when you reached the height of the upper support bar and felt as if you were going to break free of gravity and sail into the treeline behind you. It was either flying off the swing or crashing down onto the gravel below. No, we didn’t have rubber mulch back then either.

I mean, I’ve let my kids fall off the swing set, and walk behind them and get clobbered by the person swinging. You know what? They never tried it that way again. They have to the learn the hard way. Let them fail, just don’t laugh at them when they do. Well, don’t let them see you.

Life lessons you must teach your children

Being kind, generous, courteous, and having good manners, blah, blah, blah. There are way more important things to teach your children if they want to be successful humans.

Turning off lights when leaving a room

Instead of turning on every lamp, closet light, ceiling fan and overhead light. Turn off all electricty currents.

Making sure the refrigerator door is shut

No that beeping is not from the garbage truck outside hauling away all your toys you’ve left on the floor, it’s the refrigerator cooling the entire house.

Proper toilet lid usage

If you sit, the top lid goes up. If you stand, both lids go up. When you are done, both lids go down. Then flush. The urine and feces flush plume is real.

Staying in your own bed

Just because you can’t sleep doesn’t mean you should ruin ours. If the door is locked do not knock. If there is a fire we will save you.

Not leaving dishes all over the house

Cereal bowls with spoons is a shallow puddle of milk. Half empty cups of water with straws. Applesauce or fruit cups with the lid attached and the weight of the spoon leaving a trail of syrup on the surface of the table.

Putting clothes in the hamper

Not on the hamper lid or around the hamper, but inside of the hamper.

Taking trash out of the car

When you exit the vehicle take all your items and garage stuffed in the side doors. All garbage off the floor. I remember my first car growing a plant in the floorboard because I didn’t vaccum it on a regular basis.

This list is just the beginning for your child to become a better human.

How to brag and boast about your kids.

You have to be careful when bragging about your kids. Just know someone will “one-up” you almost immediately, if not sooner. For instance…

“Our baby is finally sleeping through the night”

“It’s nice right! My infant started sleeping through the first night we brought him home from the hospital”

“I think I see a tooth popping through!”

“Yay for you, of course my infant already has his adult teeth, in fact we let him open our soup cans”

“I think I just heard him say Mama”

“Really? I’ve been having conversations with my child for months now. He’s already moved on to Latin and Mandarin.”

“He took his first steps!”

“That’s nothing, my kid started walking as soon as he was born, in fact, I was 52cm dilated and he walked out of my uterus.”

“He has figured out how to open the baby gate!”

“Well, our kid didn’t have enough weight to push the foot pedal to open the gate, but he managed to find the tool box and use the screwdrivers to disassemble the gate to let himself out”

“I think we are finally potty trained after a few short weeks!”

“That’s great! Our kid was potty trained on the first try, of course he was changing his own diapers since birth anyway”

“Our kid learns songs so quickly he has such a great memory”

“Let me know when he learns to play an instrument with precision such as mine that is the same age. He can join our band and start touring”

“First day of Kindergarten!”

“How sweet! Sorry your kid was held back by your terrible parenting. We started at age 3 and we are already moving on to Linear Algebra at age 5”