How to quickly get out of any conversation.

Photo by Arindam Raha on Pexels.com

Some people just don’t know when to quit their verbal dialoguing. There are a few things you can do to ease the conversation to an end.

Electronics!

Play with your Apple iPhone 14 Pro Max or Nintendo Switch OLED.

Making eye contact

You can make eye contact with other people as they walk by and use your “Help me” eyes. If you see a person with said “Help me” looks, call them on their phone and save them. Or you can make deep eye contact with the person talking your face off. Don’t reply, just maintain deep eye contact, even if they walk away first.

Have children under five, so you can blame ending the conversation on them.

Start asking really personal questions

Start talking about your lord and savior Jesus Christ – Might save you from ever talking to that person again!

How many more weeks until Spring?

Groundhog-Day
Phil and Phil

Groundhog day is one of those special times of the year when we all wait for a woodchuck to give us the forecast of how much longer we have to deal with seasonal affective disorder. Don’t worry, spring will be here soon enough along with all of the allergies to go with it. Then you have summer heat exhaustion to look forward to. How about you just enjoy your present moments. Don’t trust meteorologists or prognosticating rodents but rather a system we’ve all agreed upon.

How to Behave at a Urinal

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Watching someone drain it

Urinals are great for allowing an expedited transaction almost anywhere. However, there are a few essential things to keep in mind to make everything go smoothly.

  • Look toward the ground when approaching the urinals (especially if others are urinating)
  • No eye contact, look at the wall in front of you. Some places have TVs!
  • Make sure you get all the fluids into the urinal, no one likes a slip-and-slide on the way to the drain
  • Don’t spit your chewing gum into the urinal, remember someone has to clean that out.
  • Do not make conversation.
  • Do not vomit into the Urinal
  • Do not defecate into the Urinal
  • If it’s a manual model, only execute a flush if the content color is that of water collected in a rusty bucket. “Save a flush”

I would say wash your hands but sometimes your man parts are cleaner than the wash station at some restrooms. Remember to use the hand sanitizer when you return to your car or use the one you carry in your holster.

How to respond to Traffic Lights

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Almost a wreck action shot

  • There is a white line indicating where you should stop at a red light. That is not for you, but for the car behind you. Get your whole car into the intersection!
  • If you’re the first car at a stop light, now is an excellent time to check your smartphone and catch up on text messaging. This will allow you to miss when the light turns green causing the person behind you to beat their steering wheel until their hands are a bloody pulp.
  • If you’re second in line, watch the perpendicular light as it progresses toward its tertiary state. In the split second before the light ignites green, honk your horn mercilessly! If a response is not obtained in no less than a nanosecond, start beating your hands on the wheel until they are a bloody pulp.
  • If you are trying to make a left turn and there is no leading green or flashing yellow, gun it through the intersection before the other driver can move forward.
  • If you are trying to make a left turn and the light is about to turn yellow, your full car needs to be in the intersection! Attempt to clip the oncoming car’s rear bumper as your final act of aggression.
  • If you need to make a right and there is one car in front of you, use the sidewalk or grassy area.
  • If you are arriving at a 4-way stop and another car is approaching, it doesn’t matter where the white line is. It matters who stops first. One car could be at the white line, but if you have about 50 feet before you get to the white line and you stop first. Go! It’s your turn!

Making your own lane


Stuck in traffic? Don’t want to wait patiently like everyone else? Make your own lane out of the shoulder of the road. Whenever someone does this and I’m getting off the next exit legally, I match their speed so they have to stay on the shoulder as long as possible. I figure since they wanted to ride on the shoulder and kick up rocks for people behind them they can do it until they are forced to squeeze back in. If they are turning left off the exit then they can make a U turn after they make a right from the shoulder.

How to use your turn signal

Turn signals on motorized vehicles are no longer needed because they have lost their effectiveness.

Turning to Side street

If you see someone coming while exiting a subdivision, don’t trust their turn signal. You never know when someone forgot to turn it off or accidentally hit it. They can’t hear the audible clicking of the signal because they’re blasting their sub-woofers. You have to wait for them to commit to the turn.

Changing Lanes on Interstate

The only thing a turn signal is good for on the interstate is to let someone know to speed up and block you from changing lanes. The only way to change lanes is to swerve and signal halfway way-through as to avoid a ticket.

Parking

Signaling to park will only invite others to steal the spot from you. Fist-a-cuffs will ensue. Just park far away from the store because exercise is good for you and getting your face broken is not good.

Go Old School

Stop bowing to the Gods of Illumination and Electricity and use what God gave you. Use only arm and hand signals.  Makes it easier to extend a kind wave after someone lets you in (or other hand gestures). If you are on a motorcycle, look over your shoulder with a stern look and point to the lane you intend to enter.

The Customer is Usually Wrong

The customer is ultimately the one who gives you money, but that shouldn’t make them right. Customers should implore some common sense before they go asking inane questions to store associates.

I worked in retail for a few years at Office Depot and it was quite frustrating to deal with some people. Most of the time people would come in asking for ink refills or typewriter ribbons. I would ask what model they own and they couldn’t remember nor would they bring the empty with them. They bought it at Office Depot, so I guess that was enough.

Of course on the other end of the spectrum, if you work at a place you should know your store and what you stock. There have been times when I’ve asked someone at Best Buy where a certain item is located. They are quick to reply they don’t carry the item and go about killing time until their break or shift ends. I always make it a point to find the item, locate the said employee and show them the item they don’t carry. Then proceed to order it from amazon from my smartphone.

Recommended website. Not Always Right

How to sleep pain free through the night

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Wait, what?

Sometimes I wake up and feel like someone has bitten my ear off. Turns out, I’ve only been sleeping on my ear. I don’t know how it happens, but somehow my ear folds upon itself and the cartilage bends to become painful enough to wake me. It’s one of the worst pains I’ve felt while sleeping. It’s almost as bad as waking up with your calf muscle behind your kneecap causing you to leap out of bed only to find you can’t bend your foot to straighten it out.

So how do you sleep pain-free through the night? Get your room as dark and cold as possible. I target my room temperature at 65 degrees and make sure no LED lights are illuminated. Blackout shades and curtains are a must for those pesky morning sun rays.  I also run some white noise. I use a Rainmate and squirt a few drops of essential oil in the tank to circulate a relaxing plume of lavender. I also pop a melatonin about 30 minutes before shuteye to get good REM sleep. With melatonin, be mindful of what you watch on TV before bed. One night, after watching Black Mirror, I dreamed that 3 of my friends killed themselves in three separate nightmares in a single night. Oh yeah, get a good mattress!

This meal will keep you out of the hospital

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Fish and Chips from Long John Silvers

There is no question that Fish and Chips are one of my favorite meals. Whenever traveling I always look for a good basket of authentic old-country goodness.

I think it all stems back to my childhood when I was having my double hernia operation. The doctors wouldn’t release me from the hospital until I stopped throwing up. It was due to the hospital food being quite terrible and bland. One evening, it seemed as if a superhero entered my room with a long flowing cape. Under that cape was Fish and Chips from Long John Silvers. Nothing that I remember has ever tasted so delicious. Needless to say, the next meal that the hospital placed before me stayed down with no problem. Turns out, my stomach was missing an essential layer of grease that would help the bland food stick to my innards. I was released from the doctors thanks to the healing power of Long John Silvers!

You can never stop drinking coffee

I don’t know why, but I decided to start drinking coffee in 2002. Having just started a new job, I was finding it difficult to adjust to the time zone difference, recover from the move, and deal with new co-workers. I called a friend who had commended something called a “press pot”. I started from there skipping over the whole drip coffee maker ordeal that my parents had when I was growing up. No wonder I never liked coffee.

At first, I bought ground coffee. Millstone Foglifter to be exact. Then I discovered that the coffee tasted better if I bought the whole beans in the store and ground them and brought them home. Next, I found out that I could grind my own beans at home right before brewing, big improvement. Then I figured out filtered water tastes even better with coffee.

Next, I formed an alliance with co-workers and formed a super-hero coffee club. We vowed to fight coffee injustice by only grinding the freshest beans and preparing the coffee at the right brewing temperature. It was an in-house debate about which temperature was superior. I preferred 192.5 F and others preferred 185 F. We bickered about grind settings complaining that some were too coarse while others were too fine. We hurled insults if someone let the coffee steep too long, so we had to start using a timer.

We then discovered that we could roast our own green coffee beans. That opened up new layers of complexity that we could fight about. Roast settings, under or over roastings, and how the coffee sometimes tasted like drinking boiled string bean water out of a brown grocery bag. I finally had to move away to a new job to get out of the coffee club. I now know the secrets to true coffee bliss. Throw a K-cup into a machine and drink the contents once it squirts out. So easy…