Is couponing worth your time?

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Coupon Fairy Delivered!

I’m not talking about saving a ton of money but saving a bunch of time by not clipping coupons. It seems like every time I try to use a coupon the cashier reads the fine print trying to find a loophole so I can’t save 10%. I don’t clip coupons from a newspaper either. Yes, they still sell newspapers despite all the tree-hugging that goes on in this world.  All the food advertised is terrible for you. I have yet to find a coupon for grass-fed beef,  broccoli,  or a bag of pinto beans. Instead of clipping digital coupons and adding them to your BJ’s membership card, how about taking a play out of Costco’s book. Just put your items on sale.

Coupons make you spend more because most have a threshold to meet. You end up buying something you don’t need as a filler because you needed to spend $100 to get $20 off.  It’s really simple math, just take your hourly wage and calculate how much you lost because you could have been earning. Save a ton, don’t clip none!

Getting over your fear of spiders

IMG_9694Spiders are about the only thing that really creep me out. I guess it has something to do with eight independently moving legs. Growing up I was tossing a towel into the hamper and noticed something squirming in the background. After closer inspection I uncovered a nightmare nest of a mother and about five million babies spiders that were alive and kicking.

There was only one way to dispose of this horrid web of terror and I knew the perfect weapon. Since my sister was in the habit of teasing her hair to it’s length to create an afro of curly stickiness, I grabbed a can of Aqua Net. I then located one of the numberous lighters that ignited Dad’s lung candy. I was fortunate enough not to burn our home down, but I gave them a hurricane of flame broiling that turned them into the crispiest of critters. The cremation ceremony was finalized with a quick flush of the deceased. My family was now safe from a pending arachnid avalanche for whoever emptied the hamper.

No More CDs at Best Buy!

I think it’s hilarious that vinyl has become popular again. For the longest time it was all the rage and the only thing that existed. Did you ever listen to a 78 speed record at 33 and a third, it was quite amusing. Cassette tapes made music portable and CDs made it even easier to abuse other’s ears with your terrible music choices via your car loudspeakers. Now that we have music on our phones, you can carry a Bluetooth speaker inside of every building and force your horrible music on everyone’s eardrums.

I’m sure the people who are buying turntables and listening to vinyl are the same people who use typewriters at Starbucks. I think the next logical step is for people to install floppy drives into their computers and trade files via disk. USB is too mainstream.

Guide to bragging on your children.

You have to be careful when bragging about your kids. Just know someone will “one-up” you almost immediately, if not sooner. For instance…

“Our baby is finally sleeping through the night”

“It’s nice right! My infant started sleeping through the first night we brought him home from the hospital”

“I think I see a tooth popping through!”

“Yay for you, of course, my infant already has his adult teeth, in fact, we let him open our soup cans”

“I think I just heard him say Mama”

“Really? I’ve been having conversations with my child for months now. He’s already moved on to Latin and Mandarin.”

“He took his first steps!”

“That’s nothing, my kid started walking as soon as he was born, in fact, I was 52cm dilated and he walked out of my uterus.”

“He has figured out how to open the baby gate!”

“Well, our kid didn’t have enough weight to push the foot pedal to open the gate, but he managed to find the toolbox and use the screwdrivers to disassemble the gate to let himself out”

“I think we are finally potty-trained after a few short weeks!”

“That’s great! Our kid was potty trained on the first try, of course, he was changing his own diapers since birth anyway”

“Our kid learns songs so quickly he has such a great memory”

“Let me know when he learns to play an instrument with precision such as mine that is the same age. He can join our band and start touring”

“First day of Kindergarten!”

“How sweet! Sorry, your kid was held back by your terrible parenting. We started at age 3 and we are already moving on to Linear Algebra at age 5”

What is the worst thing you’ve smelled?

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This DQ Fountain smelled like puke

I’ve got a pretty sensitive nose and I’ve always smelled everything since I was a kid. I have no idea why but whenever I pick something up no matter what it is I smell it. Smell is also linked to memory somehow, so I guess that’s why I have a good memory.

Here are a few top choices for worst smelling things

  • The back of my ear after I forget to wash there for a few days (take your index finger swab the length of the back of your ear and try it)
  • A blackhead that you can’t reach on your back that has been growing without your knowledge until your wife wants to dig it out with a pair of tweezers.
  • A sippy cup of milk that has been under the seat for months until the stink escapes the one-way valve.
  • I used to own a toy called a Stink Blaster, fun to play with at work, but had to keep it in a zip lock bag in the garage.

I know one smell that is supposed to smell good is leather. However, I now have a bad memory associated with the smell of leather. Back in 10th grade my biology lab partner who would wear a leather jacket and forcefully belch up his stomach aromas at the desk. So now when I pass Wilson’s leather store at the outlet mall, I can also smell the school salad bar and whatever meat product they were serving that day.

Probably the worst thing I’ve ever smelled is when I got home from school one day in Nitro WV. As soon as I got out of the car it hit me like a sack of soiled diapers that had been set out on the beach during the summer months. We finally tracked down the source. Apparently, there was a dead cow on the hillside and it was halfway decomposed and apparently exploded.

The Irritating Guide to Chewing Gum

Chewing gum is on my shortlist as one of the worst things ever invented. Here is a short guide to maximize everyone’s enjoyment of your gum chewing

  • Chew with your mouth open like a cat eating peanut butter
  • Pop it against the roof of your mouth
  • Blow bubbles then suck them in to make a sound like a vacuum cleaner picking up a plastic shopping bag.
  • Place enough gum in your mouth as to hinder speech
  • When you get back in your car, roll down the window and toss out your gum so it gets nice and hot and someone will step in it as soon as they park and get out.
  • If someone asks for a piece of gum, always say you’re chewing your last piece, refer to the first item on the list to show them how it’s done

Hope this helps

How many more weeks until Spring?

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Phil and Phil

Groundhog day is one of those special times of year where we all wait for a woodchuck to give us the forecast of how much longer we have deal with seasonal affective disorder. Don’t worry, spring will be here soon enough along with all of the allergies to go with it. Then you have summer heat exhaustion to look forward to. How about you just enjoy your present moments. Don’t put your trust in meteorologists or prognosticating rodents but rather a system we’ve all agreed upon.