Sideline coaching Swim Edition

IMG_0795

Few parents are as crazy as soccer moms and baseball/softball dads, but have you been to a swim meet? You would think it would be impossible to coach from the sidelines because the kids are underwater and can’t hear you, but here are a few tips.

  • Tell them to dive.
  • Scream at them to “Go, pull, stroke” while they are coming up for air.
  • Tell them to swim fast
  • Tell them to swim hard
  • Tell them to turn fast
  • Point out their stroke and breathing mistakes as soon as they exit the water
  • If they win first place, make sure they beat their previous time. Otherwise, tell them what they did wrong and threaten them with pulling them off the swim team if they aren’t going to try anymore.
  • If they won first place and beat their previous time, show them the Olympic time standards.

As you can see it’s pretty easy to coach from the sidelines for swimming as well. If your kids aren’t crying or cracking under the pressure then you aren’t doing your job.

Create your own parking space.

IMG_0955.jpg

Whenever you are faced with the challenge of finding a place to park you can always create your own. You can park on the curb, in the grass, and even block someone in their spot. It’s ok, you are all at the movie theater so eventually, you will come out and they will be able to leave as well. Works everywhere including baseball fields where parking is limited.

If you don’t want anyone to park near you, keep a couple of traffic cones with you and place them in spaces next to you. Looks really official.

Back in my youth, I wanted to carry a grease pencil so I could write on windshields, but in our day of YouTubers, I’m sure I would be arrested in this day and age.

What’s better than Gatorade?

IMG_0343
This sports drink is all on every golf hole, it’s free but tastes terrible. It does leave your mouth feeling really clean. They should really work on the dispenser, hard to quench the thirst with the current delivery method.

Is it safe to hold in a fart?

IMG_3597.jpg
St. Louis Gateway
Fart Capsule

I usually don’t recommend holding in a fart, but if you can consciously help it, then don’t let it out in one of these places.

Close quarters
Such as the gateway arch transport, there is no escape and it’s just cruel to unleash your cloud of hatred here.

Church
Most churches have padded chairs, but you might find one that has old wooden pews. Just blame your pillar of cloud on the spirit moving you, many churchgoers won’t quench the spirit.

During an MRI
You absolutely can’t move and it might destroy the image they are trying to capture. Plus only you get to smell it, and that’s no fun.

Elevators
I know it’s cliche, but if you must, wait until you are about to get off. It’s the quickest way to move your stink from the ground floor so that people on the 13th floor can enjoy it.

Doctors Office
It’s probably the easiest way to get the doctor to enter the room. Once you unleash it they will enter and probably put you on a probiotic regimen. Bonus points for holding it in after a prostate exam.

Toddler Tips for Vacation Trips

petParents
That’s no toddler

Now that we’ve successfully transitioned from having small children I thought I’d “throw up” a few tips that I remember from taking them on vacation. Yes, we all know to bring pack-and-plays, diapers, wipes, and food, but what about the out-of-the-ordinary things that keep parents from going insane on vacations?

A small bottle of dishwashing liquid – rancid sippy cups of milk found the next day in the floorboards are no fun to clean

Door stops – Toddlers are fascinated with opening and closing doors. It gets old with parents really quick. Especially if the doors are really heavy and can lop fingers off with ease. Rubber door stops are really cheap too.

White noise device – We use one of our iPhones with White Noise, it’s great for drowning out the questionable random noises of a hotel room. You can also pick up a dedicated device. Just make sure to keep it out of their reach unless you want it cranked up to total volume in the middle of the night.

Stroller or Alternative – We had two different types. The Maclaren and we also have the Tikes Mobile. The tikes mobile was great for us because it gave our boy a sense of control and didn’t give the impression that we are torturing him with the stroller. Don’t put your kid on a leash, please.

Not a phone or tablet – there is a little human that you’ve been put in charge of. Narrate what’s going on around them. Don’t give in and reward their temper tantrums with candy or an iDevice.

Patience – We all don’t have enough of this, toddlers can drive you crazy, they are all over the place. It’s easy to scream at them when they don’t do what you want. But keep them busy and don’t miss naps. If you can keep them happy on a trip, it will trickle down to everyone.

For a successful Memorial Day beach trip.

IMG_0095

Who doesn’t love the beach? Well, I for one really do not care for it. The sand, the sunburn, the people. Anytime people get near water it seems their brain reduces functionality.

Beach Activities

Set up fishing poles in front of other families so that children get caught in the lines and potentially get hooked. Bring games where you throw objects that land onto others beach areas causing sand to fly onto them.

Bring Your Pets

Cats love the sand, it’s just one giant litter box. Buried treasure is always fun for kids when they go digging in the sand. Keep a dog tied up to a food-filled wagon so he can eat his fill. Let him loose to swim and allow him to take a huge dump where other children are playing in the water.

Bring some Food

Seagulls love food as much as you do. Once they see that wonderful white bread they will terrorize anyone around. Feed them so that it becomes a problem for other families.

Booze it Up!

Even though the beach is alcohol-free, bring your booze inside of a Sonic styrofoam cup or Gatorade bottle. You can still get drunk, obnoxious, and curse at the top of your lungs when your cornhole bag doesn’t hit the target. Don’t forget to blast profane music while your inhibitions are reduced causing you to grind each other on the beach.

With these tips, I’m sure everyone will have a good time at the beach.

Sobriety Checkpoint Fun

IMG_0528

Every holiday, state troopers begin setting up sobriety checkpoints to decrease the traffic flow from sloth-like to gridlock. Here is what you are supposed to do. Give the officer your license and answer their questions. Here is what you don’t do. Trust me.

  • Have a scotch scented air freshener
  • Ask if there are any escaped convicts on the loose
  • Don’t take their picture
  • Don’t talk about their gun
  • Don’t say things like “You need a license to drive?”

Airport stereotypes: The seat adjuster

IMG_2496

There are¬†physical limitations to how far the seat will go back, but this person tries to recline at least fifty times so it’s in your lap. ¬†They recline the seat as soon as they get inside of the airplane. The flight attendant will tell them to bring it back to its full upright position, but as soon as they are out of sight it’s back to recline time.

If they don’t recline immediately when they arrive they wait until you get out your laptop so that it shoves the screen into your abdomen. They may also decide to recline when you have a beverage so that it spills into your crotch.

Once the plane begins to descend to your destination the flight person will tell them to become upright once again. Once they are out of sight, they will recline and relax until the rubber hits the runway.

Drive like your kids live here.

IMG_0430

The phrase “Drive like your kid lives here” is meaningless. It’s targeted at people who drive highway speeds in neighborhoods. Speed humps and bumps don’t slow them down either because they have no regard for human life. They ignore stop signs and roll right through them. Sadly, it takes a tragedy before any safety measures are put in place. Here are a couple of ideas to deal with neighborhood speeders.

  • Roll a basketball into the street as they drive past.
  • Set up a lawn chair in the front yard and point a hair dryer at them and look at your smartphone as they drive past.
  • Draw elaborate potholes on the street in front of your house with sidewalk chalk.
  • Rig up a child mannequin on a pulley system (work with your neighbors) so that it darts out in front of the car as they speed past. Bonus points if you fill it with red corn syrup.

Yeah, maybe don’t do that last one, it might be too traumatic, and you might get questioned on why you own a child mannequin.

We need a national ban on wheelie trucks


I will spot something or some person in public and I will tell my children not to give them any attention. That is what they want. They want you to look at them. You know, like people who go out of their way to show you their tattoos in selfies.

I’ve seen many things, but trucks that have been modified to look like they are popping a wheelie kinda leave me dumbfounded. I guess they’ve accomplished their goal of getting my attention, well that and the ungodly noises emanating from the exhaust plus all the curse word music that rattles my head via the subwoofer speaker.