Your daily dose of all things irritating
This is usually said when someone goes off to a new job. But you need to be careful. There may be a ton of cow manure that is causing the greenness. The greener pasture idea is excellent, but eventually, the greenness will fade and you will start looking for the new and shiny again. Learn to be content, unless your life is in danger with your current job or it’s causing you to lose your family. Money isn’t everything, flexibility and PTO though, that’s another story.
Everyone is already tolerant of race, religion, ethnicity, and gender. If you have an obese coworker or employee that is really good at their job, stay away from these accolades.
Not saying these things will show you are tolerant and keep you out of the Human Resource Office and employed. Really, you are better off not complimenting anyone.
No roll-call!
Start with “Who’s on the call”, that way everyone can start talking over each other. You could also let everyone announce themselves once they beep in even if they are five minutes late and someone is already talking.
Arrive Early
Condescend as people join with phrases like, “Nice for you to join us” or “We’ve been waiting so we can get started”. You know, sayings to make them feel bad
Don’t use the mute button
Yell at your other coworkers to keep it down. If you work from home yell at your family. But if you must use the mute button, use it as a stall tactic so you can think of something to say when you are called upon.
Have a snack
If some schedule a call during breakfast hours (8am to 9am) or really anytime after, have a nice crunchy snack. Don’t forget to leave your mic off mute.
Arrive Late
Tell everyone you just got the meeting notice even though it’s been on the schedule for days. You could also blame it on another meeting or that you were “heads down” working on a tough problem. Be prepared for passive-aggressive statements
Make sure people can see your screen.
Don’t trust the technology, after you share your screen make sure you ask the important follow-up question “Can you see my screen”.
Question the Question
Ask a follow-up question anytime someone tries to call you out. Redirection is your ally. Always blame your faults on an insufficient functional spec or someone not on the call.
Some people just don’t know when to quit their verbal dialoguing. There are a few things you can do to ease the conversation to an end.
Electronics!
Play with your Apple iPhone 14 Pro Max or Nintendo Switch OLED.
Making eye contact
You can make eye contact with other people as they walk by and use your “Help me” eyes. If you see a person with said “Help me” looks, call them on their phone and save them. Or you can make deep eye contact with the person talking your face off. Don’t reply, just maintain deep eye contact, even if they walk away first.
Have children under five, so you can blame ending the conversation on them.
Start asking really personal questions
Start talking about your lord and savior Jesus Christ – Might save you from ever talking to that person again!
Do you get offended when you are last on the carbon copy (CC) list in an email? Should you be? I think so!
Last on the List
It’s like the person considers you an afterthought. Especially if it’s really good news. For instance, if there are free leftovers in the break room and you are overweight, then it’s like they are saying you shouldn’t eat because you are too fat.
First on the List
Being first on the CC list is offensive depending on the subject line of the email. If its about a procedure being violated or a new SOP, then you must be the worst offender or a trouble maker. It’s even worse if you are addressed and everyone else in the department is CC’d. For instance, when a new CIO takes over and he says to you that he doesn’t care if you wear jeans to work. The next day you wear jeans and your manager who doesn’t have this information yet, sends an email, addresses you solely, but CC’s the rest of the department. However, if it’s good news, such as free leftovers in the break room, then you should feel honored. Unless you are rail thin, which means your coworkers are trying to fatten you up.
Somewhere in between
You want to be nestled somewhere in the middle of the CC list. This usually means you are part of a group email or just on a shortlist of people who need to know stuff. This also means that you aren’t really that important either, you get lost in the shuffle and you will never get a raise or promotion because you lack initiative and goals. Wow, maybe it’s worse to be in the middle.
Of course, all these rules are thrown out if someone uses an alphabetized email distribution list and your last name is Aaberg or Zywiec.
The Daily Irritant 
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