Standing in common walkways.

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Whenever you are attending a sporting event where many people are moving from place to place, stand in the common walkways. Take up as much space as possible. Walk side by side instead of single file. Don’t forget to stop and reverse directions. You might want to make sweeping hand and arm gestures so that you accidentally hit someone as they are walking by. Remember, you are the only important person there.

Sideline coaching Swim Edition

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How do you coach your child in swim from the sidelines? It’s easy, here are a few tips.

  • Tell them to dive, what other way to enter the pool?
  • Scream at them to “Go, pull, stroke” while they are coming up for air.
  • Tell them to swim fast
  • Tell them to swim hard
  • Point out their mistakes as soon as they exit the water
  • If they won first place, make sure they beat their previous time. Otherwise, tell them what they did wrong
  • If they won first place and beat their previous time, point out their mistakes so they know to improve.

As you can see it’s pretty easy to coach from the sidelines for swim as well. If your kids aren’t crying or cracking under the pressure then you aren’t doing your job.

Also, see How to coach baseball/softball

Participation trophies are for the parents

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Kids don’t want trophies, they just want after game snacks. This was confirmed once I saw a parent asking to take a picture of their kid after the baseball season ended. The parent wanted a pose with the trophy, but the kid held up his post-game hot dog instead. These participation trophies are to make the parents feel better about their kid not being good at their sport. Kids love to play the sport, they like the free snack after the game and just to get away from you for an hour or so.

Once a kid reaches a certain age the trophy needs to be earned. Trophies for kids who make the all star team is where it should begin and end. If you have a travel ball team then hand out awards for different catagories such as “best hitter” or “best defense”.  Other than that, the after season party with free food should be enough.

What’s better than Gatorade?

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This sports drink is all on every golf hole, it’s free but tastes terrible. It does leave your mouth feeling really clean. They should really work on the dispenser, hard to quench the thirst with the current delivery method.

Top Golf Clichés

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Get in the Hole

This is shouted from a par 5 tee shot. Maybe more appropriate when someone is on the green or chipping and the ball brushes past the hole. Nah, it’s never good to say this. It’s just annoying.

Drive for show, putt for dough

This is said as a passive-aggressive insult whenever you outdrive your playing partner. Works out well if you put your next shot near the pin and tap in for birdie or eagle. Hopefully, after they’ve 3 putted for double bogey they will shut up.

Beach reference

Whenever someone lands in the sand trap some will reference one of the following phrases. “Nice day for the beach”, “Did you bring your sunscreen?”

Water shot

“Get your snorkel” or “That one didn’t skip.”

When you hit a good shot

“That’s a golf shot right there”. But aren’t they all golf shots? Even the ones that skip across the green from a bladed chip shot that goes into the greenside bunker or lake filled with alligators and snapping turtles?

Mentioning your score

Don’t ever mention your score to someone after the round. For example when you say, “I shot an 85”, someone will chime in, “Well, what did you shoot on the back nine?” Hilarious every time.

Do you trust golf course water?

I’m glad it’s fresh water and not salt water. But really, how fresh is it? Do they clean the cooler or just top it off each day? Do people put their mouth directly on the spout and guzzle? Who cares, on a hot day of golf, this is free and delicious. If it comes out like mucous then I’ll probably skip it.

How to coach from the sidelines.

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It’s tempting to coach from the sidelines, but if you must, remember these helpful tips.

  • Tell your kid to hit the ball when they are up to bat
    • Also to swing at strikes
    • And don’t swing at balls
  • When they hit, tell them to run, ruN, rUN, RUN!
    • Tell them to run hard!
  • Tell your kid to throw the ball when they catch it.
  • If they are a pitcher, tell them to throw strikes.

Stand as close to your kid as the fences allow. You can also put your mouth between the steel cage diamonds and shout unimpeded.  Have some prearranged after the game system of punishment if they didn’t measure up to your expectations? Let them know during the game that you are keeping track of all their mistakes.

Also, don’t do any of these things. Let the coaches coach and you keep your mouth shut unless you are simply cheering your kid on.