Road trip snack essentials.

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Tanker full of coffee? Grab a nozzle!

In this part of the country, I look out for Pilot or Flying J. I prefer those stores because they have relatively clean restrooms and a wide variety of beverages and food selections. Flying J Pilot stores have coffee that will flap your eyelids to your forehead like the old vinyl window shades at your grandmother’s house. I mix Pilot Dark roast with their Intense blend and throw in a Stok espresso shot it’s enough to keep you awake far beyond your destination.

Back in the college days before I drank coffee, it was Pepsi Big Slams and No-Doze for the long road trips. As long as I can remember I would choose a Pepsi product, Slim Jims, and white cheddar popcorn. Maybe some Doritos now and again. One of the biggest problems with eating chips in the car is there is never enough roof clearance to tilt the bag and drink the crumbs. Well, maybe if you buy the small bags.

Create your own parking space.

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Whenever you are faced with a challenge of finding a place to park you can always create your own. You can park on the curb, in the grass and even block someone in their spot. It’s ok, you are all at the movie theater so eventually, you will come out and they will be able to leave as well. Works everywhere including baseball fields where parking is limited.

Back in my youth, I wanted to carry a grease pencil so I could write on windshields, but in our day of YouTubers, I’m sure I would be arrested in this day and age.

This always happens the last part of a trip.

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It never fails, you’ve been on the road for hours upon hours. You’ve tried to hold your urine as long as possible because you want to make it home without using another filthy gas station toilet. Last twenty minutes or so before you reach your destination, a car darts out in front of you. There was clearly no one behind you for 30 miles, but they felt this was the best chance they had to enter the roadway. This causes your brake pads to become one with the rotors as it sends your leftover Popeye’s chicken crumbs flying on the dashboard.

They are in no hurry either! They cautiously slow down at every side street just in case there is someone dumb enough to pull out in front of them. By now you can feel the bladder distension and infection forming from all the Pilot Coffee that has been brewing in there all day. You then realize this person in front of you lives just down the street and you will be following them all the way to your house. Don’t hold it too long or you may get a kidney stone. Time to look for one of those empty coffee cups.

When’s the best time to buy a new car?

If you have a television and you watch commercials for car dealers, they tell you right now is the best time to buy with incredible savings. However, if you wait another month you will get the best savings of the year. Then the next month it will be the absolute best time for rock bottom prices that will never happen again in all of eternity. If you keep waiting for the best sale of the year it will never happen and you will keep driving your beater until it falls apart.

The best time to buy a car is when you need one. If you are paying a monthly repair cost that equals a car payment and you are inconvenienced by the constant time of your vehicle being in the shop, then it’s time to start looking. There are plenty of websites that will help you negotiate the best deal possible.

There are no Men’s Restrooms anymore.

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Do you go #1 or #2 in this thing?

On our way back from a long trip we stopped at a gas station to use the toilets. I noticed a line of ladies had formed outside the bathrooms. As I approached the men’s room a woman walked out and another one entered without hesitation.
Me: “Are we having some gender confusion here ladies?”
Random Lady: “Women have babies so we get to use your bathrooms”
I didn’t understand her logic so I fired back…
Me: “Men get kicked in the testicles so we can use your bathrooms?

 

Another time I went to a store and had to use the toilet. To my surprise, there was only a “Family” and a woman’s restroom. My family wasn’t with me, so I had to use the woman’s restroom, no other choice.

It’s not the first time I’ve used a woman’s toilet. I was interviewing for a job and was exhausted from the long flight and uncomfortable hotel bed. After my lunch, with the recruiter, I met my sister at Sam’s club to buy some snacks. I stopped off at the bathroom first and wondered why there were no urinals. I picked a stall next to someone who was sitting. I stood up to pee as normal. As I walked out I did a double take as I saw the “Men’s” sign as I exited the Woman’s restroom. My sister was doubled over in laughter, but I’m sure the lady that was still in the toilet was just as confused as I was.

Now that we are moving to Gender Neutral restrooms in public places this gives a whole new meaning to the term, “Baby Changing Stations”. I hope people don’t do anything stupid.

You shall not pass!

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When it’s a nice country drive kinda day, why not frustrate other drivers along the way.  For instance, when you’re driving on a single track road and a double yellow line appears you should drop your travel velocity 10 mph under the speed limit. Hopefully, the double yellow stripe is long allowing you to build a nice caravan of cars. However, once the line breaks and allows other to pass, give it some gas. This will cause maximum frustration for the drivers behind you. Repeat this process until you are rammed from behind or arrive at your destination.