How to prepare for a Hurricane

Panic – Start freaking out right away because it always helps.

Hoard – Buy up all the milk, bread, eggs, and water. Buy as much as you can. It will rot in your fridge because you will lose power.

Ignore traffic laws – Run red lights, try to ram the cars pulling out in front of you. Walk across busy streets with dark clothing.

Fight – If you feel like someone is stopping you from hoarding, or you want to prevent someone from hoarding, then fight them.

Don’t do any of this. Just remain calm and pay attention to your local officials. They have your best interest in mind. You will be in lots of traffic coming and going, so be patient. If someone is being an idiot, just let them. If you have to scramble at the last minute for water, non-perishables, ice, or generators, then it’s already too late.

How to use a crosswalk

automatic city control crossing

Photo by on

People have been confused for decades about the real meaning of the crosswalk signals. The red hand doesn’t mean stop, it’s waving at you, telling you it’s safe to cross! The other signal is a chalk outline of a dead guy informing that you will perish if you try to cross.

I’ve always heard those crosswalk buttons don’t have anything to do with the traffic signals. Crosswalk buttons are installed because pushing a button will give a sense of control before you’re flattened by a city bus you didn’t see because you were too busy checking your twitter. There have been several occasions where people crossed in front of my car and told me to stop with their raised hand. I had no idea they had the right of way to cross a busy intersection while I had a green light. I finally get it, I’ve had these crosswalk signals mixed up all along!

If you visit a big metropolitan area you know it’s safe to cross when the city folk begin entering the intersection before the signal changes. Trust them.

Worst time you ever had to go pee?

There have been a few times when I felt like my bladder would stretch beyond capacity and burst inside my body. However, there is one time that stands out more than most. The first anniversary of my marriage, my spouse and I decided to visit Orlando Florida for the first time together. Little did she know that it would soon become an obsession and I would want to go every year or maybe even move there.

During this time in my life, I was very successful in losing weight with diet, exercise and a pill called Xenadrine which was a diuretic. I also drank a couple of 20 oz Diet Mountain Dews that morning as well. Needless to say, fluids would eventually need to exit my body. We were driving through South Carolina when the urge began to build. It’s one of those times when you say to yourself, “I can make it one more exit”. Well, the last time I said that I must have missed the sign that said next rest area 1000 miles.

We finally made it to the Georgia welcome center and I must have urinated for 20 minutes. If you have kids, stop at every rest area, it’s good for you to stretch your legs and for them to empty their bladders. Otherwise, they will need to go 20 minutes before you get home and there is nowhere to stop except that gas station that people are murdered in. Plus, you don’t want them to pee on the side of the road and end up in jail for public urination.

Guide to driving in Nashville

If you happen to visit Nashville and you must drive then good luck. It’s tough, but here are few tips to help you navigate the city.

Don’t balance your tires
There are so many uneven parts of the road and potholes your tires will instantly be out of balance. Wait until you get home.

Don’t get an alignment
Again, with the potholes and pavement unevenness, wait until you get home and get an alignment. I wonder if no state taxes are the reason the roads are so bad. It’s just the sheer mass of humanity that is on the road there.

Don’t try to take back roads
There are tons of people on the back roads as well, you will just wait even longer because of the traffic lights.

Wait it out on the interstate
It’s really the best option, just wait, be patient, allow people to merge and don’t run anyone off the road.

Don’t visit any landmarks
You go to Nashville to see the Ryman, The Grand Ole Opry and such, but don’t go there. There are too many people. Just stay in your hotel and drink as much free coffee as you can. Enjoy an extra creamer or three.

Don’t do any shopping
Parking is tough and they charge outrageous fees. Just stay in your hotel and watch TV. Swim in the 10-meter pool and do half laps.

Enjoy your trip!

The new segregation

Privileged Prius Parking

If you really think about it, the hybrids and alternative fuel cars should be forced to park as far away as possible. Allowing them to park so close forces the gas guzzlers to burn more fuel looking for a spot thus forcing more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. Hybrids are already fuel efficient enough, you don’t need to reward them by giving them the same treatment as handicapped parking. I can understand electric cars being allowed to park close so they can plug into their USB chargers or swap out their D batteries.

Can we agree that segregation and privilege are wrong?

Waiting in traffic activities

40 minute wait 30 miles out

On a recent road trip, we were traveling back from a smaller road trip after visiting Mammoth Cave National Park. We were about 30 minutes away from our hotel in Nashville when we came to a complete stop. We could see there were only about 50 cars ahead of us and emergency workers scrambling to save someone. We waited about 40 minutes. So how do you redeem the time?

Pray for the people involved.
This is the easiest thing to do if you are not first on the scene and try to calm and help the people.

Get out and look
Get out of your car and see if you can see what happens. Cross your arms and pace, this should get things moving.

Bathroom break
Let your kids out to pee on the side of the road. You will never see these people again so it’s OK for a brief period of public urination. The cops are busy anyway.

Turn the event into a self-centered tirade about how much you are being inconvenienced. Say things like, “If they aren’t dead, then they should be in jail for causing such a horrible delay”. You know, terrible things like that.

For all those terrible thoughts you just had about the terrible wreck. But then rationalize that if it’s only a mere fender bender then they should at least perform community service.

Share the road?

I don’t know who I’m more afraid for. The guy on the bike or the two men putting their faith in that tailgate.

It’s fine if you want to ride your bicycle, but c’mon, across the twists and turns of the Great Smoky Mountain Expressway? You put your faith in people who text and drive around kiss your a$$ turns? You are a true adrenaline junkie if the odds of getting smeared all over the side of a mountain are this high.