How to behave at a Traffic Light

 

IMG_2647
Almost a wreck action shot

 

  • There is a white line indicating where you should stop at a red light. That is not for you, but for the car behind you. Get your whole car into the intersection!
  • If you’re the first car, now is a good time to check your smartphone and catch up on text messaging. This will allow you to miss when the light turns green causing the person behind you to beat their steering wheel until their hands are a bloody pulp.
  • If you’re second in line, watch the perpendicular light as it progresses towards it’s tertiary state. At the split second before the light ignites green, honk your horn mercilessly! If a response is not obtained in no less than nanosecond, start beating your hands on the wheel until they are a bloody pulp.
  • If you are trying to make a left turn and there is no leading green, gun it through the intersection before the other driver has a chance to start.
  • If you are trying to make a left turn and the light is about to turn yellow, get out in the intersection! Attempt to clip the oncoming cars rear bumper as your final act of aggression.
  • If you need to make a right and there is one car in front of you, use the sidewalk or grassy area.
  • If you are arriving to a 4-way stop and another car is approaching, it doesn’t matter where the white line is. It matters who stops first. One car could be at the white line, but if you have about 50 feet before you get to the white line and you stop first. Go! It’s your turn!

How to use your turn signal

Turn signals on motorized vehicles are no longer needed because they have lost their effectiveness.

Turning to Side street

If you see someone coming while exiting a subdivision, don’t trust their turn signal. You never know when someone forgot to turn it off or accidentally hit it. They can’t hear the audible clicking of the signal because they’re blasting their sub-woofers. You have to wait for them to commit to the turn.

Changing Lanes on Interstate

The only thing a turn signal is good for on the interstate is to let some know to speed up and block you from changing lanes. The only way to change lanes is to swerve and signal half way-through as to avoid a ticket.

Parking

Signalling to park will only invite others to steal the spot from you. Fist-a-cuffs will ensue. Just park far away from the store because exercise is good for you and getting your face broken is not good.

Go Old School

Stop bowing to the Gods of Illumination and Electricity and use what God gave you. Use only arm and hand signals.  Makes it easier to extend a kind wave after someone lets you in (or other hand gestures). If you are on a motorcycle, look over your shoulder with a stern look and point to the lane you intend to enter.

Why do motorcycle people wave?

1972_Honda_trail_90
Flippin’ good time!

I would like to buy a motorcycle one day. One thing that is stopping me is that I don’t want to wave at everyone else riding a motorcycle. I’m just not that friendly. The other thing stopping me is fear of scraping my face on the pavement. Even if I’m wearing a helmet it would still not be pleasant. There are two memorable moments in my life that keep me on four wheels.

The first major memory comes from living in Hampton Virginia. My father had this co-worker that launched himself and wife/girlfriend onto the asphalt close to the beach. I remember visiting them in the hospital. The lady kept assuring me she was feeling great despite having her face covered in dried blood and her appendages encased in plaster. It was probably the little button she was pushing that gave her such high spirits.

The second major memory is when I obtained a Honda Trail Bike at the age of 15. On it’s maiden voyage I propelled myself over the handlebars into a creek. Once I landed in the creek I couldn’t feel my legs for about 5 seconds. I walked the bike back home and didn’t ride again.

So why do they wave at each other? I think it’s because they are part of secret society. To be honest, they should keep both hands on the grips. You know, the whole face pavement scraping thing.

Benefits of Not Texting and Driving

IMG_0409

You can see how many times you almost died
You will have greater awareness and response time for all those other texters who are swerving over the yellow line. Almost everywhere I drive I have constant panic attacks because I see oncoming traffic jerk the wheel at the last minute. As I pass someone on the interstate you can see them looking down while weaving in and out of lanes. It’s a truly terrifying time to be a driver. 

You have more time to eat
If you are not holding your phone, you can hold a burger or burrito. If you are a two-hand texter and drive with your knees you can eat your salad or chicken tenders with dippin’ sauces. Bonus if you have lane keep assist on your vehicle. No need for knees and two hands off the wheel freeing you up to eat monster burgers from Hardee’s

You won’t die
Probably the best benefit is you will keep living your life and not be dead. There are plenty of other things that can go wrong while driving. Do not add to the deadly mix of your terrible driving skills plus distracting technology.

All you need is a moped.

IMG_0168

Maybe it’s part of the coastal state DMV’s big plan to remove cars from the road. Why would I want to buy a car when I can purchase a moped, not need a license and never pay a cent of tax? Today was especially joyous with this champion in front of me.

I made the move to pass at my first opportunity. Dude here swerves in front of me and begins zig-zagging like a clown on a tricycle hopped up on PCP. I then revert back to my original lane and he repeats this insanity with more lane swaying. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to pass HIM. He proceeds to signal left, get off his fart can and prepare fisticuffs. I start slowing down when my lovely bride screams a reminder about my kids and herself. I apparently have more to lose than a guy more than likely headed back to his trailer after my tax dollars paid for a large alcoholic beverage.

I can understand that you need to get places. However, don’t put others’ lives at risk by not allowing others to legally pass if your method of transportation is not capable of exceeding 35mph on a 55mph road.

Your children will never have to drive.

In all my years driving an automobile, I’ve seen the steep driving skill decline of my fellow humans. Texting and driving have brought out the worst in drivers. My children will ask from the backseat, “What is wrong with the driver in front of us?”.  My parents used to say, “Well, he’s probably full of alcoholic beverages“, but I tell my kids he’s probably playing Disney Emoji Blitz or Candy Crush.

I’m all for mandatory yearly testing to remove drivers from the road that shouldn’t be allowed to maneuver a ton and a half of metal that can potentially lead to vehicular manslaughter. I welcome our automated driving overlords! It will give me more time to eat, text, face booking. I can’t wait until people are augmenting their reality with VR headsets while driving. With all the Ubers, Lyfts and Murder Taxi’s out there, your offspring will never have to slalom between 18 wheelers and monster SUVs. Where’s my Johnny Cab?

Busy Driver on Amazon