The best thing since sliced bread.

Don’t reserve the seats outside the theater

Why does something get compared to sliced bread whenever it’s considered the best new thing? With a good knife, bread is easy to slice.  However, if I had to pick something as the best thing since sliced bread then I’m going to go with reserved theater seating. I’m so glad that my local theater has deployed this method of sitting.  Using your smartphone to pick the seat you want as soon as tickets go on sale is super convenient. It allows for dinner time beforehand without the pressure of waiting in a line that snakes out the door. It also allows you to skip the 20 minutes of previews that you’ve already seen on Youtube. During that time people have polished off their trough of popcorn so you can skip the part where it sounds like everyone around you is eating wicker furniture.

So what happens when you get to your seat and someone is perched there? It hasn’t happened yet, but in our age of entitlement and equality, it’s only a matter of time before someone complains that it’s not fair that you got the best seat in the house. You know,  because you planned ahead.

May the 4th Be With You?

Vader is annoyed

May ordinal number 4 be with you? Well, that doesn’t make sense. That’s because we live in a society where grammar no longer makes sense. I know it’s supposed to be a play on “May the force be with you” and it was cute when it first started. However, now that you see it posted for every Facebook friend you have, the luster is lost. I mean I guess if everything else can have a day, why not Star Wars? Why not release a Star Wars movie every year on May the 4th?

Should I buy a new tv or fix my current one?

Remember when you would visit your grandparents and they had the huge oak box with a TV in it? You go back to visit 20 years later and the same TV is still playing reruns of Andy Griffith. What happened to those quality-built TVs?

In 20 years I’ve owned a bunch of television sets. Every single one has failed me. You can’t get them repaired because replacing a button costs $500 and a new TV will cost you $550. So just toss it into the landfill and get some new tech.

I bought a $4,000 HDR UHDTV recently and it has been worth every penny of digital currency. If granny were still around she would probably fuss about me sticking my face so close to the screen to see those glorious pixels.

How to turn Netflix autoplay previews on or off

Dear Netflix,

Thank you for providing us a way to turn off the automatic music and previews when we browse for shows. The auto preview usually flashes up the most gratuitous violence or critical plot points. I understand having the theme song or overture for the movie, but this made-up music is terrible. It gets even worse if you share the same music across different movie titles. Yes, I know there is a mute button, and I’m glad there is finally a way to stop the mini trailers.

How to buy snacks at the movies

I wonder if those Atom pre-purchased snacks are worth the extra coin? Because recently at the movies I was getting a few overpriced snacks to finish during the previews. Because really, who waits on the movie to polish off a tub of popcorn.  Anyway, I try to pick the shortest line but it never works out for me. I spotted a line with 4 kids and I assumed they were with an adult. To my delight, I saw that each child had their own ziplock bag of money and instead of what I thought was a one to one parent/child, now turned into four minor transactions. At this point, all the other lines had snaked into a j-shape near the ticket booth so there was no turning back now.

Oh, it gets better! None of these kids could do simple addition and subtraction so they didn’t know how much money to give the cashier. Thankfully the cashier was able to compute the calculations without the need of an abbicus. Listen, I’m all for teaching kids that paper and coin money exists to be earned and spent. However, movie theaters won’t pause the movie while kids spend a year’s worth of allowance on costly snacks. Parents, do us all a favor and teach that lesson somewhere else. Kids are useful to haul away the goodies but not to partake in the commerce exchange. Maybe I will try Atom next time.

Bring back the floppy disk and sneakernet

I think it’s hilarious that vinyl has become popular again. For the longest time, it was all the rage and the only thing that existed. Did you ever listen to a 78-speed record at 33 and a third, it was pretty amusing. Cassette tapes made music portable and CDs made it even easier to abuse other’s ears with your terrible music choices via your car loudspeakers. Now that we have music on our phones, you can carry a Bluetooth speaker inside of every building and force your horrible music on everyone’s eardrums.

I’m sure the people buying turntables and listening to vinyl are the same people who use typewriters at Starbucks. The next logical step is for people to install floppy drives into their computers and trade files via disk. USB is too mainstream.

What is the worst thing you’ve smelled?

This DQ Fountain smelled like puke

I’ve got a pretty sensitive nose and I’ve always smelled everything since I was a kid. I have no idea why but whenever I pick something up no matter what it is I smell it. The smell is also linked to memory somehow, so I guess that’s why I have a good memory.

Here are a few top choices for worst-smelling things

  • The back of my ear after I forget to wash there for a few days (take your index finger swab the length of the back of your ear and try it)
  • A blackhead that you can’t reach on your back that has been growing without your knowledge until your wife wants to dig it out with a pair of tweezers.
  • A sippy cup of milk that has been under the seat for months until the stink escapes the one-way valve.
  • I used to own a toy called a Stink Blaster, fun to play with at work, but had to keep it in a zip lock bag in the garage.

I know one smell that is supposed to smell good is leather. However, I now have a bad memory associated with the smell of leather. Back in 10th grade, my biology lab partner would wear a leather jacket and forcefully belch up his stomach aromas at the desk. So now when I pass Wilson’s leather store at the outlet mall, I can also smell the school salad bar and whatever meat product they were serving that day.

Probably the worst thing I’ve ever smelled is when I got home from school one day in Nitro WV. As soon as I got out of the car it hit me like a sack of soiled diapers that had been set out on the beach during the summer months. We finally tracked down the source. Apparently, there was a dead cow on the hillside and it was halfway decomposed and apparently exploded.

Facebook one upmanship…

Everyone loves to brag. Whether it’s about your accomplishments or your children’s it’s all about getting a leg up on the competition. However, some people don’t even know when you are competing with them. Here’s a good way to put this to the test.

Pick out one of your friends on Facebook. Next, copy and paste one of their posts, but change out the proper nouns. Try to take similar photos, and share the same status messages from other websites. However, the twist is this, you have to make your status messages better than theirs. See if they notice after a few weeks of this.

Better Titles for Movie Sequels

With today’s attention span, Hollywood can’t run the risk of confusing the audience of movie sequels. Some choose not to number their movies, probably because the director knows their fan base is smart enough to distinguish the difference. It’s easy to follow the sequence of “Batman Begins”, “The Dark Knight”, and “The Dark Knight Rises”. However, if you are confused about “Breakin” and “Breakin 2” then you have greater issues to deal with. Consequently, ever since that Breakin’ 2 came out, I attach “Electric Boogaloo” to any movie that has a 2 in the title.

Christmas songs in January!

Just because Christmas is over doesn’t mean you stop singing these songs.

Winter Wonderland

This song has nothing to do with Christmas. Rather it’s about weather precipitation, the perils of building snowmen, the migration patterns of birds, and making wedding plans.

Jingle Bells

Again, why is this associated with Christmas? This song is about treacherous winter travel and being left for dead after an accident.

Let it Snow

This couple just happens to be caught in a winter storm and the power keeps going out. This song is about someone who has been stuck in the friend zone and keeps waiting for that kiss goodnight but can’t take the hint that’s it’s time to leave. You probably won’t get that kiss because you have popcorn hulls stuck in your teeth.

Baby it’s cold outside

You are probably sick of it by now, but it’s still not a Christmas song. Probably the most disturbing of all the winter melodies. Loved ones are worried, waiting, and suspicious of a person who is keeping someone against their will with the lure of booze and cigarettes? Does this person have an addiction or is it just a case of Stockholm Syndrome?