Least favorite phrases 

Map of McPherson County, Kansas by Library of Congress is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0
  1. In a song – “come what may” I used to think this says “come with me”, but in our nouns as verbs society, a better phrase would be. “because of happen”
  2. In a movie – “We’re not in Kansas Anymore” unless it’s the Wizard of Oz. This usually happens when someone doesn’t recognize their surroundings or is up in a strange place.
  3. At work – “can I ask you a quick question” the question is always quick, but it’s the answer that takes forever. The “quick” question is usually a sign someone is about to dump some work on you and take the credit.

Stare at the wall…

Instead of looking at your smartphone while waiting for a table at a restaurant, simply stare at the wall in front of you. People will eventually look there too. Well, not really, they are too busy interacting with other people via their smart devices because people have forgotten how to talk to other humans.

Riding on the elevator? Turn to the rear and stare at the wall. When you exit, walk backward.

While using the urinal, stare at the wall, seriously, this is no time for wandering eyeballs. In a doctor’s office? Stare at the wall, don’t answer any of their questions, and you will probably get a free ride to a nice padded room. Then you can stare at the wall all you want. Dreams come true!

Text message reply time.

  • Your spouse: Immediate.
  • Your co-workers: 15-20 minute delay if you are dumb enough to give them your personal cell phone.
    • Don’t set expectations too high for your availability
  • Family members
    • Parents: within the hour, or the next day, depending on the guilt trip that’s attached
    • Siblings: 1 day
    • Cousins: 2-3 days
  • People who want a favor: delete immediately and never respond.
  • When someone is in the same room: shout across the room your reply
  • While driving: Whenever a police officer is not looking.

What is your standard text message reply time?

Using nouns as verbs…

Borderline bad grammar?

Hulu says “Come TV with us” and Walmart says, “Easter like you mean it”. Why are we teaching grammar to our children? If marketing executives have thrown the rules of grammar out the window, why should we bother? I’ll tell you why it’s so our kids can eventually replace the people who can’t speak or write correctly.

I’ll admit that I’m not the bested expert at wordsmithing, but our society has done begun devolving into a new type of language.

A clean house equals no friends.

Don’t you love it when you go over to someone’s house and it’s spotless? Well, it’s because you planned the visit. Go over in about a week but unannounced. If it’s still spotless don’t stay friends with that person. They will just make you feel bad about yourself because you and your life are a dirty mess.

However, if you invite someone over, please clean your house the best you’ve ever done in your life. Once they get there say things like. “Sorry this place is such a mess” Then you can make them feel bad and they will think you have such higher cleaning standards. Then they will not be your friend anymore.

The trick is to just leave your house a little dirty, let people know that you are still human.