Don’t describe your meal in this way.

According to Wikipedia, and probably some doctors too. A perforated ulcer is a condition in which an untreated ulcer can burn through the wall of the stomach (or other areas of the gastrointestinal tract), allowing digestive juices and food to leak into the abdominal cavity. Treatment generally requires immediate surgery.

So, why does someone describe a delicious hearty meal as “stick to your ribs”? If food is sticking to your ribs you probably have a perforated ulcer and require medical attention.

Photo by pascal claivaz on

How to deal with kidney stones

Guinness to help lube the tubes

I used to get kidney stones about once a year, here are some practical tips I’ve learned over the years.

First, it’s better to not get a kidney stone. I’ve learned that I need to drink plenty of water before I spend the next two days outside in the heat and humidity. This was the case for my latest bout with a ureter rock. I also stay away from black tea. While I love a good glass of tea, I’d rather not try to pee a pebble into a strainer for some doctor to analyze.

So, how to deal with the pain? The first thing I do is start chugging water by the liter. This will start to hydrate the kidneys and get them working to flush out the gravel from your pee pipes.  Kidney stone pain is one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt so you can try to throw a painkiller at it, but it will be shot blocked like Manute Bol over Muggsy Bogues.  (Sadly, Bol died of Kidney failure)

This is not a fun ride down the slip-and-slide to your bladder. The best advice is to mix up equal parts lemon juice and olive oil and drink a shot glass full. Don’t vomit it, otherwise, it won’t work. So try small sips over about 15 minutes or so. It will grease the chute and start breaking down the boulder.  Grab a six-pack of Guinness Extra Stout, this has worked wonders for me. The beer will help break down the stone and ease the passing, plus the alcohol will help ease some of the pain. Once the Plinko chip scrapes and rattles its way to your bladder the pain will subside, but if you are a male, then the fun isn’t quite over yet. Get more Guinness!

Had to get morphine for red pee pee

However, if the pain makes you want to pass out, throw up, and/or urinate blood, then get to the emergency room. You might be dealing with a stone that even an angel can’t roll away. BTW, this too shall pass is not in the bible. Good luck!

How to use a porta potty…

Choose luxury

If you have to use a porta-potty, find the largest one, chances are there is a dry patch for you to stand in while you try to hit the target. Try not to look down the hole it will break your concentration and you will mess yourself. If you must defecate, you should probably wait until you go home.

How to sleep pain free through the night

Wait, what?

Sometimes I wake up and feel like someone has bitten my ear off. Turns out, I’ve only been sleeping on my ear. I don’t know how it happens, but somehow my ear folds upon itself and the cartilage bends to become painful enough to wake me. It’s one of the worst pains I’ve felt while sleeping. It’s almost as bad as waking up with your calf muscle behind your kneecap causing you to leap out of bed only to find you can’t bend your foot to straighten it out.

So how do you sleep pain-free through the night? Get your room as dark and cold as possible. I target my room temperature at 65 degrees and make sure no LED lights are illuminated. Blackout shades and curtains are a must for those pesky morning sun rays.  I also run some white noise. I use a Rainmate and squirt a few drops of essential oil in the tank to circulate a relaxing plume of lavender. I also pop a melatonin about 30 minutes before shuteye to get good REM sleep. With melatonin, be mindful of what you watch on TV before bed. One night, after watching Black Mirror, I dreamed that 3 of my friends killed themselves in three separate nightmares in a single night. Oh yeah, get a good mattress!

Do this and you will never be depressed.

I wish it were that simple. Every January I get super bummed out. We usually take a vacation before Christmas and it sets the dopamine production into high gear. Once boxing day hits it’s a full crash. You take down the holiday decorations and you get back to your normal work life.

I didn’t think that Seasonal affective Disorder was a real thing, but once you hear it described so many times it almost becomes psychosomatic. They say that exercise is the best anti-depressant. However, if you are walking or running and trip over a curb and shatter your femur then things can get really depressing and fast. You will more than likely be prescribed addictive pain medication. That will then lead to constipation. So now you can’t exercise or poop.

The title of the article is misleading. You can’t be depressed without knowing joy and vice-versa. But if you get stuck on either end of the spectrum then there is something wrong. So what do you do? Life has highs and lows, but sometimes you need help to get out of the lows. Sometimes it takes prescription medication to get you out of your depression, but don’t let it become a crutch. Antidepressants are like a cast for a broken arm. Take the meds and talk to a professional about your problems. At some point, you can take the “cast” off. Or you can simply snap out of it like everyone suggests.

Do you still weigh yourself?

IMG_2272Don’t ever weigh yourself on January 2nd. To quote Yoda, “Only pain you will find”. Weight is a terrible measurement of health. What I mean is, don’t let the scale dictate how you should feel about yourself.  You should go about how your clothes fit. If you want to get technical then go by body fat percentage. Buy yourself some fancy fat pinchers if you must know the details. Don’t go by BMI because you can be obese even if you are an elite athlete bodybuilding freak of nature.

I started a new way of eating a few years ago and I lost weight quickly at first but then the next year I lost no weight at all. Once you get comfortable with your clothes, you should shop for some new ones and donate the old ones. If you buy quality threads you can also sell them on eBay

New Year, New You? Again?

Will you succeed at your New Years’ resolutions? Probably not if you set your goals too high. I’ve started making small changes in everything I do. Small goals, small victories. Small goals take the stress out of accomplishing that goal. If you want to lose 100 pounds, try losing 10 first. If you want to fix your road rage problem, try only punching the keyboard a few times a day rather than several. You can’t just quit that behavior overnight. Changing your habits will lead to lasting results.

Of course, if you don’t set any goals it will be hard to let yourself down. Most people will give up around February, they may even make it until March. The micro resolution will provide much more satisfaction and get you where you need to be, slower, but steady.

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