How to prepare for a Hurricane

Panic – Start freaking out right away because it always helps.

Hoard – Buy up all the milk, bread, eggs, and water. Buy as much as you can. It will rot in your fridge because you will lose power.

Ignore traffic laws – Run red lights, try to ram the cars pulling out in front of you. Walk across busy streets with dark clothing.

Fight – If you feel like someone is stopping you from hoarding, or you want to prevent someone from hoarding, then fight them.

Don’t do any of this. Just remain calm and pay attention to your local officials. They have your best interest in mind. You will be in lots of traffic coming and going, so be patient. If someone is being an idiot, just let them. If you have to scramble at the last minute for water, non-perishables, ice, or generators, then it’s already too late.

Does the slow carb diet work?

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Biscuits and Gravy from Tudor’s Biscuit World (2004)

The slow carb diet is now a permanent lifestyle change for me. I’ve been doing the diet/lifestyle since January of 2016. According to my doctor, my weight peaked at about 292 lbs. Right before Thanksgiving 2016 I weight in at 233 lbs and during that year and did not do one bit of exercise. You can read about the diet on the Tim Ferris website or buy his book the Four Hour Body. I did both.

What I love most about the diet is how well you feel during the week, your mind is sharp and you have an overall feeling of wellness. What I used to love but not so much anymore is the cheat day. You can eat whatever you want, quite literally. I think my progress has slowed down because I don’t do a proper cheat day anymore and I don’t eat enough during the week. I don’t like the cheat day because I feel miserable the day of and the day after. Well, I did a proper cheat day yesterday and here are the results.

  • 2 Biscuits and Gravy (9am)
  • Bag of Flaming Hot Munchies (Doritos, Sun Chips, Cheetos, etc.) (12pm)
  • 3 Chicken strips with Thai Curry Sauce from BWW  and Waffle Fries(1pm)
  • Homewrecker from Moe’s with Chips (6:30pm)
  • Ice cream – Oreo Mint from Cookout (7pm)

I’ve started to do more cardio because I want to be able to run with my kids on the softball/baseball field and not get so gassed. When we go to waterparks I want to be able to walk up the all those steps without it feeling like someone is stabbing me in the legs and lungs. The extra weight loss has helped, I noticed a difference from year to year. I seem to have more success in the fall because I’m not traveling and there are no major Holiday’s to do an extra cheat day, so I’m looking forward to getting rid of that last 20-30lbs.

Are you afraid of the dentist?

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I’ll admit, I’m absolutely terrified of the dentist. When I was four years old I had many teeth pulled without being properly numbed. I was a sickly child so all the medicine I consumed rotted my baby teeth so they had to come out. I don’t remember much, but it was dark and there were pink and blue lights everywhere. Maybe that’s what trauma looks like to a 4-year-old. I remember every subsequent dental visit my mother bought me a toy afterward.

My moms took me for one last cleaning in 1991 (never got that toy) and I didn’t go again until 2008. Yes, 17 years! It wasn’t a good experience when I went back. Not that my teeth were in bad shape, but the dentist I went to was an old man who was a dentist in the Army. It felt like he took out each individual tooth, cleaned it, and put it back into the socket. The last time I went was 2011, I had two cleanings, first time I had no cavity creeps. On the second visit 6 months later they said I had 7 cavities. So I’m guessing they rubbed something on my teeth to make them rot. I haven’t been back and my teeth are still fine.

I take my kids to the dentist every 6 months for a cleaning, but these kids have it easy. Their dentist has video games in the waiting area, super cool themed office and TV screens in the ceiling so they can watch DVDs while they get dental work done. When I was a kid, we just sat in a white room in a metal chair while some old man with super minty breath yanked on our teeth for 30 minutes. As a bonus, we had to sit still with a mouth guard full of goop that tasted like sauerkraut water.

How to choose exercise equipment

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It’s frustrating to purchase exercise equipment. Not because it’s expensive but there is an unrealistic expectation in the commercials. You always see super fit people using the equipment. Why not show some regular people who are really out of shape struggling to untangle themselves from the BoFlex cables. Show us how easy it is to use. Don’t show us some elite athlete who is maxing out the equipment. You are setting us up for failure. It’s also important to know many many hangers of clothing the item can eventually hold

What is the best sunscreen?

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I’ve tried about everything there is and will still get burned. Reapplication doesn’t help, it only allows more roasting. There is no greater feeling than taking a hot shower after a day of being in the sun and you find out what spots you missed.

The best sunscreen is called the house. Staying inside a house is very effective at blocking UV rays. You have to stay away from windows as well. Pull the shades and curtains and turn off all the lights. Stay away from people too, that will help.

 

Don’t describe your meal in this way.

According to Wikipedia, and probably some doctors too. A perforated ulcer is a condition in which an untreated ulcer can burn through the wall of the stomach (or other areas of the gastrointestinal tract), allowing digestive juices and food to leak into the abdominal cavity. Treatment generally requires immediate surgery.

So, why does someone describe a delicious hearty meal as “stick to your ribs”? If food is sticking to your ribs you probably have a perforated ulcer and require medical attention.

How to deal with kidney stone pain

 

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Guinness to help lube the tubes

 

Since I get kidney stones about once a year, here are some practical tips that I’ve learned over the years.

First, it’s better to not get a kidney stone. I’ve learned that I need to drink plenty of water before I spend the next two days outside in the heat and humidity. This was the case for my latest bout with a ureter rock. I also stay away from black tea. While I love a good glass of tea, I’d rather not try to pee a pebble into a strainer for some doctor to analyze.

So, how to deal with the pain? The first thing I do is start chugging water by the liter. This will start to hydrate the kidneys and get them working to flush out the gravel from your pee pipes.  Kidney stone pain is one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt so you can try to throw a painkiller at it, but it will be shot blocked like Manute Bol over Muggsy Bogues.  (Sadly, Bol died of Kidney failure)

This is not a fun ride down the slip and slide to your bladder. The best advice is to mix up equal parts lemon juice and olive oil and drink a shot glass full. Don’t puke it up, otherwise, it won’t work. So try small sips over about 15 minutes or so. It will grease the chute and start breaking down the boulder.  Grab a six-pack of Guinness Extra Stout, this has worked wonders for me. The beer will help break down the stone and ease the passing, plus the alcohol will help ease some of the pain. Once the Plinko chip scrapes and rattles its way to your bladder the pain will subside, but if you are a male, then the fun isn’t quite over yet. Get more Guinness!

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Had to get the morphine for red pee pee

However, if the pain is making you want to pass out, throw up, and/or urinate blood, then get yourself to the emergency room. You might be dealing with a stone that even an angel can’t roll away. BTW, this too shall pass is not in the bible. Good luck!