Are you afraid of the dentist?

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I’ll admit, I’m absolutely terrified of the dentist. When I was four years old I had many teeth pulled without being properly numbed. I was a sickly child so all the medicine I consumed rotted my baby teeth so they had to come out. I don’t remember much, but it was dark and there were pink and blue lights everywhere. Maybe that’s what trauma looks like to a 4-year-old. I remember every subsequent dental visit my mother bought me a toy afterward.

My moms took me for one last cleaning in 1991 (never got that toy) and I didn’t go again until 2008. Yes, 17 years! It wasn’t a good experience when I went back. Not that my teeth were in bad shape, but the dentist I went to was an old man who was a dentist in the Army. It felt like he took out each individual tooth, cleaned it, and put it back into the socket. The last time I went was 2011, I had two cleanings, first time I had no cavity creeps. On the second visit 6 months later they said I had 7 cavities. So I’m guessing they rubbed something on my teeth to make them rot. I haven’t been back and my teeth are still fine.

I take my kids to the dentist every 6 months for a cleaning, but these kids have it easy. Their dentist has video games in the waiting area, super cool themed office and TV screens in the ceiling so they can watch DVDs while they get dental work done. When I was a kid, we just sat in a white room in a metal chair while some old man with super minty breath yanked on our teeth for 30 minutes. As a bonus, we had to sit still with a mouth guard full of goop that tasted like sauerkraut water.

How to choose exercise equipment

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It’s frustrating to purchase exercise equipment. Not because it’s expensive but there is an unrealistic expectation in the commercials. You always see super fit people using the equipment. Why not show some regular people who are really out of shape struggling to untangle themselves from the BoFlex cables. Show us how easy it is to use. Don’t show us some elite athlete who is maxing out the equipment. You are setting us up for failure. It’s also important to know many many hangers of clothing the item can eventually hold

What is the best sunscreen?

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I’ve tried about everything there is and will still get burned. Reapplication doesn’t help, it only allows more roasting. There is no greater feeling than taking a hot shower after a day of being in the sun and you find out what spots you missed.

The best sunscreen is called the house. Staying inside a house is very effective at blocking UV rays. You have to stay away from windows as well. Pull the shades and curtains and turn off all the lights. Stay away from people too, that will help.

 

Don’t describe your meal in this way.

According to Wikipedia, and probably some doctors too. A perforated ulcer is a condition in which an untreated ulcer can burn through the wall of the stomach (or other areas of the gastrointestinal tract), allowing digestive juices and food to leak into the abdominal cavity. Treatment generally requires immediate surgery.

So, why does someone describe a delicious hearty meal as “stick to your ribs”? If food is sticking to your ribs you probably have a perforated ulcer and require medical attention.

How to deal with kidney stone pain

 

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Guinness to help lube the tubes

 

Since I get kidney stones about once a year, here are some practical tips that I’ve learned over the years.

First, it’s better to not get a kidney stone. I’ve learned that I need to drink plenty of water before I spend the next two days outside in the heat and humidity. This was the case for my latest bout with a ureter rock. I also stay away from black tea. While I love a good glass of tea, I’d rather not try to pee a pebble into a strainer for some doctor to analyze.

So, how to deal with the pain? The first thing I do is start chugging water by the liter. This will start to hydrate the kidneys and get them working to flush out the gravel from your pee pipes.  Kidney stone pain is one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt so you can try to throw a painkiller at it, but it will be shot blocked like Manute Bol over Muggsy Bogues.  (Sadly, Bol died of Kidney failure)

This is not a fun ride down the slip and slide to your bladder. The best advice is to mix up equal parts lemon juice and olive oil and drink a shot glass full. Don’t puke it up, otherwise, it won’t work. So try small sips over about 15 minutes or so. It will grease the chute and start breaking down the boulder.  Grab a six-pack of Guinness Extra Stout, this has worked wonders for me. The beer will help break down the stone and ease the passing, plus the alcohol will help ease some of the pain. Once the Plinko chip scrapes and rattles its way to your bladder the pain will subside, but if you are a male, then the fun isn’t quite over yet. Get more Guinness!

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Had to get the morphine for red pee pee

However, if the pain is making you want to pass out, throw up, and/or urinate blood, then get yourself to the emergency room. You might be dealing with a stone that even an angel can’t roll away. BTW, this too shall pass is not in the bible. Good luck!

How to use a porta potty…

Choose luxury

If you have to use a porta potty, find the largest one, chances are there is a dry patch for you to stand in while you try to hit the target. Try not to look down the hole it will break your concentration and you will mess yourself. If you have to defecate, then you should probably wait until you go home.

How to sleep pain free through the night

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Wait, what?

Sometimes I wake up and feel like someone has bitten my ear off. Turns out, I’ve only been sleeping on my ear. I don’t know how it happens, but somehow my ear folds upon itself and the cartilage bends to become painful enough to wake me. It’s one of the worst pains I’ve felt while sleeping. It’s almost as bad as waking up with your calf muscle behind your kneecap causing you to leap out of bed only to find you can’t bend your foot to straighten it out.

So how do you sleep pain free through the night? Get your room as dark and cold as possible. I target my room temperature at 65 degrees and make sure no LED lights are illuminated. Blackout shades and curtains are a must for those pesky morning sun rays.  I also run some white noise. I use a Rainmate and squirt a few drops of essential oil in the tank to circulate a relaxing plume of lavender. I also pop a melatonin about 30 minutes before shuteye as to get some good REM sleep. With melatonin, be mindful of what you watch on TV before bed. One night, after watching Black Mirror, I dreamed that 3 of my friends killed themselves in three separate nightmares in a single night. Oh yeah, get a good mattress!