Month: March 2025

How to go to sleep earlier

~ SA Otey

I once read a letter to the editor. Someone complained about having an extra hour of daylight. She said it ruined her garden. During the “spring forward” many complain about losing an hour of sleep. Well if you go to bed one hour earlier you can counteract this discrepancy. You might say, “I have trouble falling asleep!” Well, I’ve had my wrestle with insomnia, and let me tell you about this product. Non-habit forming and not as dangerous as radioactive butterflies. I tried prescription sleeping pills, but Melatonin works just as well. In fact, it might work better than anything else I’ve tried. They smell a little bit like death, but maybe that’s why they’re so effective. As the wise old Nas used to say. “Sleep is the cousin of death”.

Side note: I don’t understand why people are always saying this. “Ah, I slept like a baby last night”. I don’t consider a good night’s sleep waking up every two and a half hours. Either I need to poop in my pants or need something to eat. I think it’s time we started sleeping like grown-ups.

I hope by now you’ve set your clocks on your range and microwave an hour ahead. If you rely on those electronics to wake you up.

How to give accolades to the corpulent employee

~ SA Otey
  • “Really stepped up to the plate”
  • “They are a big influence in my life”
  • “Always bites off more than they can chew”
  • “Brings a lot to the table”
  • “He left big shoes to fill”
  • “Well-rounded person”
  • “That fat-a$$ son of a b!+c# will be missed”

Not saying these things will show you are tolerant and keep you out of the Human Resource Office and employed. Really, you are better off not complimenting anyone.

Top Habits to Raise Responsible Children

~ SA Otey

Being kind, generous, courteous, and having good manners, blah, blah, blah. There are more important things to teach your children if they want to be successful humans.

Turning off lights when leaving a room

Instead of turning on every lamp, closet light, ceiling fan, and overhead light. Turn off all electric currents.

Making sure the refrigerator door is shut

No, that beeping is not from the garbage truck outside. It is not hauling away all the toys you’ve left on the floor. It’s the refrigerator cooling the entire house.

Proper toilet lid usage

If you sit, the top lid goes up. If you stand, both lids go up. When you are done, both lids go down. Then flush. The urine and feces flush plume is real.

Staying in your own bed

Just because you can’t sleep doesn’t mean you should ruin ours. If the door is locked do not knock. If there is a fire we will save you.

Not leaving dishes all over the house

Cereal bowls with spoons is a shallow puddles of milk. Half-empty cups of water with straws. Applesauce or fruit cups have the lid attached. The spoon’s weight leaves a trail of syrup on the table’s surface.

Putting clothes in the hamper

Not on the hamper lid or around the hamper, but inside of the hamper.

Taking the trash out of the car

When you exit the vehicle take all your items and garage stuffed in the side doors. All garbage off the floor. I remember my first car growing a plant in the floorboard because I didn’t vacuum it on a regular basis.

This list is just the beginning for your child to become a better human.

How to stop excessive armpit sweating?

~ SA Otey

There was a transitional period when I was 17. I couldn’t find an anti-perspiration that would stop the river of briny fluid flowing from my pits. I tried several brands from Speed Stick, Right Guard, Old Spice, and Degree to whatever Dad was using. I finally found Arrid XX about mid-way through my junior year of high school.

At one point, I remember the sweat rings became enormous. They would reach the ends of my shirt bottoms. The rings even reached halfway to my back. It was like I was squeezing out a dish sponge under my arms. If I was sitting at a certain angle, I could feel the sweat drip and roll down the side of my torso. Before I found Arrid, I applied so much product. It would start to build little cakes in the armpit portion of my shirt. It would dry and make the armpit part of the shirt brittle and stiff. No amount of washing could fix it, you had to throw the shirt away.

The problem resurfaced once I started to lose weight. Arrid was ditched and switched to Certain Dri. It worked until my body stopped freaking out about losing so much weight so quickly.  Now I’ve switched back to a normal deodorant. Also, sweating is linked to anxiety, so you probably need to chill out a bit, so to speak.

Dr. Teals Eucalyptus Deodorant Gift Set (2 Pack, 2.65oz Ea.) – Eucalyptus Essential Oils with Shea Butter & Arrowroot Powder – Aluminum, Paraben, & Phthalate Free – Dermatologist Tested

Do you take coffee with your cream?

~ SA Otey
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Tea-flavored cream?

I see more and more people walking around with what appears to be cups of cream with a straw to siphon out the contents. I hope there is at least a shot of coffee or espresso in there. People really like coffee-flavored cream more than anything. This is evident because we have Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup coffee creamer. We have pumpkin spice in the fall, peppermint near Christmas, and then what? Do the flavors just disappear? I suggest we add a few fore flavors for spring and summer. Like tree pollen and suntan lotion respectively.

Just drink black coffee! Maybe add a bit of sweetener to cut the bitterness of improper roast and brewing. I’ll pass on what my college professor told me about how to drink black coffee. Start with a cup of cream and add a teaspoon of coffee. Gradually reduce the cream and increase the teaspoons of coffee until it’s blacker than a black hole’s a$$h0le.

Pickup trucks rule the road

~ SA Otey
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Four flat tires?

I don’t remember getting cursed at by other drivers as much when I had my Chevy Silverado. There is an intimidation factor when driving a truck. I guess it depends on the type of truck you own too. You can still yell at people who drive stock Nissan Frontiers or Toyota Tacomas. However, that rule is thrown out the bigger the truck tires are or how high the little truck is jacked up. Also camouflage paint, exposed primer, or dents with rust. Visible and stocked gun racks also negate that rule.

What I don’t miss about the truck is the gas mileage and the tank size on fill-ups. Since I work from home that wouldn’t be such an issue considering my current car requires premium fuel. You can’t beat a truck when you need to haul a bunch of boards or get a yard full of mulch. However, you will be called upon to help someone move because they are too cheap to hire a Uhaul.

How to enter the flow of traffic.

~ SA Otey
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Let’s say you are just getting on the road for a long day of causing traffic problems. Your first entry into the flow of traffic is an important one. As you exit your street, look onto the main road or highway. Notice there is one car with no one behind them. Now is your opportunity to get in front of them. Never mind waiting an extra two seconds for a clear shot behind them. This would have prevented that person from slamming on the brakes and interrupting their texting session. You have to get in front of them! You can’t run the risk of them slowing you down. But now that you have your spot. Slow down, take your time, and have a carefree drive the rest of the way.

How to buy snacks at the movies

~ SA Otey

I wonder if those Pre-purchased snacks are worth the extra coin? Because recently at the movies I was getting a few overpriced snacks to finish during the previews. Because really, who waits on the movie to polish off a tub of popcorn.  Anyway, I try to pick the shortest line but it never works out for me. I spotted a line with 4 kids and I assumed they were with an adult. To my delight, I saw that each child had their own ziplock bag of money. What I thought was a one to one parent/child transaction now turned into four minor transactions. At this point, all the other lines had snaked into a j-shape near the ticket booth so there was no turning back now.

Oh, it gets better! None of these kids could do simple addition and subtraction so they didn’t know how much money to give the cashier. Thankfully the cashier was able to compute the calculations without the need of an abbicus. Listen, I’m all for teaching kids that paper and coin money exists to be earned and spent. However, movie theaters won’t pause the movie while kids spend a year’s worth of allowance on costly snacks. Parents, do us all a favor and teach that lesson somewhere else. Kids are useful to haul away the goodies but not to partake in the commerce exchange. Maybe I will try Atom next time.

How to Drive Mindfully Among Aggressive Drivers

~ SA Otey
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But there’s a ditch there!

It really doesn’t matter how fast you are driving, there will always be someone on your bumper that will be inconvenienced. On the interstate, I’ve learned that if I do move over, the person who was checking my trunk contents will get in front of me and set their cruise control. Which causes me to have to pass them a few miles down the road.

As for this dude pictured above, he just guaranteed himself that I will drive the speed limit and follow every traffic rule. Any maybe I’ll pretend like I’m lost and take a few extra seconds at intersections while checking my iPhone maps.

Farm to Table Garlic Butter Dipping Sauce

~ SA Otey
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Goes great with Gino’s Bread Cheese

Tired of forking over 50 cents for a tiny plastic tub of garlic sauce for your pizza? Well let me tell you, it’s quite easy to make and tastes way better than Papa Johns, Pizza Hut or Little Caesars. Plus if you look at the label on those sauces there are quite quite a few chemicals that you are ingesting. Aren’t we all trying to eat better? Here’s what you do

  • 1/4 Stick of real Irish butter milked from Gaelic bovines
  • 1 tsp of Garlic Powder
  • 1 tsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
  • 1 tsp of Salt

You can add more salt and garlic if you like it saltier or garlicky. Or you can get yourself a garlic salt grinder, go crazy! Place in a microwave-safe container, cover with a paper towel and nuke for 20-30 seconds. Cover with a paper towel in case it all gets explody in the microwave. Your pizza and heart will thank you.

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