Month: April 2025

Stare at the wall…

~ SA Otey

Instead of looking at your smartphone while waiting for a table at a restaurant, simply stare at the wall in front of you. People will eventually look there too. Well, not really, they are too busy interacting with other people via their smart devices because people have forgotten how to talk to other humans.

Riding on the elevator? Turn to the rear and stare at the wall. When you exit, walk backward.

While using the urinal, stare at the wall, seriously, this is no time for wandering eyeballs. In a doctor’s office? Stare at the wall, don’t answer any of their questions, and you will probably get a free ride to a nice padded room. Then you can stare at the wall all you want. Dreams come true!

I’ve kept a seat warm for you…

~ SA Otey
Who else gets excited over a contoured seat?

Sometimes it’s a great thing to say, “I’ve kept a seat warm for you”. However, when you are coming out of the stall and saying this to the next patron, things might get weird. Sometimes you don’t know how recently the toilet was in use. Some people may like it, but when I sit down and the seat’s still warm, I get a little uneasy.

Is Golf Course Fresh Water Safe to Drink?

~ SA Otey

I’m glad it’s fresh water and not salt water. But really, how fresh is it? Do they clean the cooler or just top it off each day? Do people put their mouths directly on the spout and guzzle? Who cares, on a hot day of golf, this is free and delicious. If it comes out like mucous then I’ll probably skip it.

Text message reply time.

~ SA Otey
pexels-photo-230554.jpeg

Your spouse: Immediate if not sooner

Co Workers

  • 15-20 minute delay if you are dumb enough to give them your personal cell phone.
  • Don’t set expectations too high for your availability

Family

  • Siblings: 1 day
    • Cousins: 2-3 days
  • Parents: within the hour, or the next day, depending on the guilt trip that’s attached

Others

  • People who want a favor: delete immediately and never respond.
  • When someone is in the same room: shout across the room your reply
  • While driving: Whenever a police officer is not looking.

What is your standard text message reply time?

How to Handle Tailgaters on the Road

~ SA Otey
Don’t repair your front bumper

How do you react when someone speeds up behind you after you’ve safely entered the roadway. They speed up to the point where you can’t see their headlights.  My immediate response to someone riding my bumper is to slow down ten miles per hour from my current speed. I will also make sure that I make a complete stop at every intersection and do a left-right-left check. I might even take my time inside the roundabout. I’m in no hurry.

New car technology is making it more difficult to attempt entry into another motorist’s trunk. The forward collision detection will apply brakes if it senses you are too close. Good thing you can disable it.

The Importance of Teaching Grammar in Modern Marketing

~ SA Otey

Hulu says “Come TV with us” and Walmart says, “Easter like you mean it”. Why are we teaching grammar to our children? If marketing executives have thrown the rules of grammar out the window, why should we bother? I’ll tell you why it’s so our kids can eventually replace the people who can’t speak or write correctly.

I’ll admit that I’m not the bested expert at wordsmithing, but our society has done begun devolving into a new type of language.

Why a Spotless Home Might Be a Red Flag

~ SA Otey

Don’t you love it when you go over to someone’s house and it’s spotless? Well, it’s because you planned the visit. Go over in about a week, but unannounced. If it’s still spotless, don’t stay friends with that person. They will just make you feel bad about yourself because you and your life are a filthy mess.

However, if you invite someone over, please clean your house the best you’ve ever done in your life. Once they get there say things like. “Sorry this place is such a mess” Then you can make them feel bad and they will think you have such higher cleaning standards. Then they will not be your friend anymore.

The trick is to just leave your house a little dirty, let people know that you are still human.

You hear this at every diner in America.

~ SA Otey
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Deep Fried Snickers

If you’ve ever watched a food TV show that interviews the diners, you can be sure that these phrases will come up.

  1. Crispy on the outside juicy on the inside
  2. Melts in your mouth
  3. Best I’ve ever had
  4. Cooked to perfection
  5. Tastes like family
  6. It’s to die for
  7. I eat here every meal every day
  8. I live in the kitchen
  9. I’ve held the cook hostage and forced them to cook for me at my house

Creative April Fools’ Pranks to Try

~ SA Otey
easter-eggs.jpg
  1. Fake lottery ticket
  2. Telling your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner you’re pregnant
  3. Telling your spouse you got fired/quit from your job
  4. Telling your spouse you want a divorce
  5. Telling someone in your family died
  6. Say the most horrible things that you can think about a person and then follow it with “April fools”.
  7. Go missing for weeks before April 1st and come back as a surprise