There have been a few go-to items I reach for if I need to produce a ton of gas. Why do I need to produce so much gas? Because it’s funny and my friends enjoy the noise. Boiled eggs paired with a brimming bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch will generate stomach-churning flatus power for hours. Depending on the bowl size and how many eggs you ate, you will get tired of farting. You might even gag when you wake yourself up from the loudness of your new tooting alarm.
The mid and end-credit scenes are just a way to get you to read all the names of the people who made the movie. That, and see job titles that didn’t know existed. You will then wonder how much an assistant food dolly gripper makes and if it’s the right career move at this point in your life.
The end credit scenes have never been so good that it makes it worth the wait, and yet I still watch them all. Just leave the theater! Then go read a fanboy website that will explain and or theorize what it all means. Then hear them rant about people being bandwagon fans, and they didn’t read the comics when they were growing up. Well, you are right. I was too busy pitching no-hitters and hitting home runs in Little League when I was a kid. Now I can just watch the movie.
The new Superman movie’s end credit scenes are not worth the wait. Just go back and watch Man of Steel, Batman v Superman, and the Snyder cut of Justice League.
If you are in a parking lot with many open spaces, find someone getting in or out of their car and attempt to park in the space next to them. Try to look as inconvenienced as possible.
If you see them trying to pull through the lane in front of them, back into that spot. Find someone unloading their groceries into the side of their car as they take up two lanes.
If you are unloading your groceries, leave your buggy in the space so that someone else doesn’t have to move it to the park. Time-saving tip: Just park and walk instead of waiting in that space that is only two spots closer.
Find a spot close to the front of a hotel. Have your children wait in the spot as you drop the bags off at the entrance. Come back to the spot where your children are putting their lives on the line for your convenience.
Crunching Ice
I used to have shared cubicle space with an ice cruncher. She even brought ice in from home to work, all day long, every day.
Shuffling Cards
I don’t even like the computer game solitaire because of the sound of shuffling cards. Shuffling cards once is ok, but when you get all OCD and start shuffling them over and over, that’s enough.
Popping Gum
Some people never learned how to chew gum, and I’m assuming they are just as bad at eating food, or they crunch ice. Blowing a bubble and then inverting it into your mouth as you pop it several times. Some can even make it pop and crack on every chew with an open mouth
Chewing Food
This goes along with ice crunching, but some people sound like they are eating rocks, regardless of the food type. The sound rattles around their skull until it sounds like they are breaking off their teeth at the gum line. Sometimes, you can hear people eating beans and the sound of the bean paste sticking to their teeth.
Mechanical Keyboards
They have a great feel and feedback, but they sound like marbles being spilled on a tile floor. It doesn’t matter if they are a great typist or a hunt and pecker; both are equally annoying.
Cotton Mouth
Hearing someone speak who has a dry mouth is probably one of the worst sounds anyone can make. It’s even more torturous if the person is speaking in front of a large crowd and is using a microphone.
What is the fastest you feel comfortable driving? To me, it depends on the vehicle. In my current automobile, I can look down and not realize that I’m going 90mph because of the smoothness. However, in my 1991 Honda Civic, I got up to 120mph and it felt like the paint was shaking off. Sometimes keeping up with the flow of traffic even feels dangerous.
Typically I hover around 75 to 80mph, but there is always that one guy who’s in a hurry. I mean, I’m going 90mph and they are riding my bumper. I can’t even see their headlights! That is until they start swerving over the lines to get my attention in the side mirrors that I’m going too slow for them. I’m getting to the point where I move to the far right-hand lane and set the cruise control and enjoy the increased gas mileage. It’s a bonus if you can draft behind an 18 wheeler.
Those dreams are dashed as soon as you run up on someone doing 10 mph under. Then you have to release the cruise control and manually work the gas pedals and try to merge into the concrete jet stream of cars so you can get back to your coefficient drag.
When I was a new dad many years ago and my wife went out with her friends for an evening without endless crying, feedings, and more poop than she cared to look at. It was also helpful to have an evening away from the newborn as well. Someone would inevitably chime in with, “Ah, doing a little babysitting eh?”. Well, no, this is my child, do you not remember? They are my responsibility too. Believe it or not, men know how to take care of the children.
Here is my best advice for new dads out there when you are watching the newborn.
If you’ve done all these things and the baby is crying, won’t go to sleep, and there is no immediate danger, then you did your job as a Dad. When your wife gets home, you can tell her everything was perfect.
Have extra stuff laying around your house? Why don’t you try to make a few bucks online by selling it? How about donating it for a tax write-off? How about neither, just throw it in the garbage. Sometimes that’s the best choice.
Selling
People want stuff for free. You post an item and they offer you half of your asking price. If you provide a free item then they will want you to deliver it. Better yet, they will want you to pay them to take it off your hands. Selling on eBay or Amazon has become a hassle. When you pay all the seller fees, merchant fees, and postage, you are left with about half of what the item is worth.
Donating
This is a better option. Let other people look through your bags of unwanted items and they can throw it away. The tax write-off is barely worth it. For kids’ clothes, give them to friends or family, they will be responsible for throwing them in the trash now.
Trash it
Unless you want Goodwill throwing your stuff away you can save them the trouble. Leave it visible on trash day and people will pick it from the rubbish like mining for treasure.
If you have extra stuff you should probably think about why you are buying so much stuff. Give your items away to someone who needs them.
Well, technically it went right as it was intended, but I’m sure the owner wasn’t too happy about losing all those pigs. But you know, for the kingdom, and Jesus owns everything.
Someone I know posted a few random clickbait titles as to spur interest in reading the bible. I think it’s a great idea. It’s very Babylon Bee -esque. Anyway, here’s the bible verse to read for that.
They came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Gerasenes. And when Jesus had stepped out of the boat, immediately there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit. He lived among the tombs. And no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain, for he had often been bound with shackles and chains, but he wrenched the chains apart, and he broke the shackles in pieces. No one had the strength to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and on the mountains he was always crying out and cutting himself with stones. And when he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and fell down before him. And crying out with a loud voice, he said, “What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I adjure you by God, do not torment me.” For he was saying to him, “Come out of the man, you unclean spirit!” And Jesus asked him, “What is your name?” He replied, “My name is Legion, for we are many.” And he begged him earnestly not to send them out of the country. Now a great herd of pigs was feeding there on the hillside, and they begged him, saying, “Send us to the pigs; let us enter them.” So he gave them permission. And the unclean spirits came out and entered the pigs; and the herd, numbering about two thousand, rushed down the steep bank into the sea and drowned in the sea.
The herdsmen fled and told it in the city and in the country. And people came to see what it was that had happened. And they came to Jesus and saw the demon-possessed man, the one who had had the legion, sitting there, clothed and in his right mind, and they were afraid. And those who had seen it described to them what had happened to the demon-possessed man and to the pigs. And they began to beg Jesus to depart from their region. As he was getting into the boat, the man who had been possessed with demons begged him that he might be with him. And he did not permit him but said to him, “Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.” And he went away and began to proclaim in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him, and everyone marveled. — Mk 5:1-20
I’m pretty excited that America has embraced roundabouts (aka, the circle of yield). However, many surrounding community members are not as pleased as I am. Some people just want it to stay the same or completely remove all the traffic signs from the intersection.
The thing is, people already treat four-way stops like roundabouts, but with less space. Rarely do you see someone completely stop at the white line? They roll up to the intersection (or just before it) and perform a synchronization of wheel rotation with the other automobiles to cease moving. A roundabout will help because it will give you more space to execute your California roll.
Roundabouts will also eliminate the need for someone to direct traffic from other lanes. It’s difficult to wave someone through while they are semi-circulating. It will also stop head-on collisions from people who are finishing up a TikTok or Facebook update about how bad traffic is. It’s difficult to speed through a roundabout, but not impossible. I’m sure someone will revert to childhood memories and try to “Dukeboy” it over the middle. That’s why we need to build children’s playgrounds in the middle of the roundabout. That way, you will truly drive like your kids play here.
Daily Irritant 
You must be logged in to post a comment.