When I was a kid I heard about the continental breakfast at the hotel we were staying at. I thought this was going to be a huge breakfast of plate tectonic proportions. Rivers of sausage gravy, bacon trays falling over like waterfalls, mountains of biscuits, and piles of scrambled eggs thick like a Tempurpedic mattress.
To my dismay, I was greeted with a tray of donuts, danishes, cereal, juice, and coffee. I guess this is food that’s available on every continent and not continental in size.
We are partial to Hilton brand hotels. We enjoy the free breakfast at the Hampton Inn and Homewood Suites takes it up a notch. Although not free, Hilton Garden Inn has a great buffet and it’s what I imagined as a child. If you really want to eat like a King of a Continental, then stay at Embassy Suites.
Which song do you get tired of first? Is it Jingle Bells, Frosty the Snowman, Winter Wonderland, Rudy the Red Nosed Reindeer? Technically, these aren’t really Christmas songs. They are more winter songs that don’t have any tethering to Christ. Watch any Hallmark Christmas movie and you will probably hear 700 different versions of Jingle Bells and by the end of the week after Thanksgiving, you are ready to quit Christmas music.
I used to prefer the Christmas “hymns”, songs about the savior which is the whole reason for the season. However, there are very few new songs and they contain terrible theology or Americanized to the point they shouldn’t even be canonized into Christmas. I stick to Christmas instrumentals now so I don’t have to hear some new artist destroy a classic by over-singing through their nostrils.
This is hands down the most condescending ad of the year and the worst gift idea simultaneously. Maybe they want to be isolated from technology. Your older family members prefer you visit them in person rather than seeing your digitized face on a screen. You can’t hug a tablet and get your oxytocin.
They don’t want to see you on a vacation they weren’t invited to. They don’t want to watch you bake cookies, they want to be in the same room with you. I know some families live far apart, but what kind of person lives far away from a family member who can’t operate an iPad. Why does it have a support feature if it’s so easy? Let me get this straight, you buy your family member a GrandPad that’s simple to use, but you won’t even help them if something goes wrong?
Another thing, if you are going to share big news about your upcoming pregnancy over Facetime video then I hope your elder family member can handle the emotional surge and doesn’t have a medical emergency right in front of you. Maybe that support button will come in handy if it ties to LifeAlert.
Just like the checkout line at Walmart, It doesn’t matter what lane you pick, it will be the slowest. Just be patient and don’t deviate from your lane. If you know you need to exit the freeway in a few miles get over to that lane. Nah forget that, ride the fastest lane all the way and squeeze in at the end even it it means crossing three lanes of traffic within a few hundred feet in congested traffic.
If you take baby Jesus out of the day 24 box, what do you do about the wise men? They didn’t show up until Jesus was a toddler. Do you just keep the calendar out all year? I try to set my Advent Calendar up as follows.
Today marks St Nicholas Day. There is no better time to teach your children about who Santa really was. We decided that we would not pretend that someone came into our house and left presents for our children. It’s not fair to them or us because why does some stranger get credit for all the good stuff? Plus, we don’t have a chimney, so how does he get in? Well, I guess it’s easier nowadays since Amazon has access to your house and can open your door and leave packages. Maybe Amazon is the new Santa?
How did I learn that Santa wasn’t real? Well, during my 2nd grade class, we all were talking about Christmas and I mentioned that Santa was bringing me some Star Wars toys. The entire class erupted in laughter and began shaming me about believing in fairy tales. You know, kids are mean and cruel, much like adults when you talk about Jesus today. When I confronted my mother, she unveiled the falsehood of Father Christmas. This created a seasonal schism that altered my holiday happiness for years to come. I don’t want that for my offspring. I want them to build lasting Christmas memories without any trauma. Well, other than what my parenting already provides.
There is a drawback to not playing along with the whole Santa song and dance. You have to be cautious that your children don’t ruin Christmas for their friends. But the main reason we teach the real Santa, is we want them to know the real Jesus. We want them to focus on the greatest gift to this world and not on trinkets that will gather rust. We didn’t want them to one day say. “If Santa isn’t real, then is God real?”
Everyone loves a guest who shows up with plans to stay for several days/weeks.
Eat whatever you want
I’m sure they won’t miss the small cake in the freezer. Look for an expensive bottle of wine your host has been saving for their first anniversary. Leave your slop trough of a plate on the counter, you are a guest, you shouldn’t have to do dishes on your vacation.
Go to bed Late
Watch whatever you want when your host goes to bed. Hopefully, they don’t have a passcode on their pay-per-view. Now would be a good time to make some popcorn.
Sleep in
As you hear the clanging of pans with your breakfast being prepared, yell from your quarters about how you are trying to get some shuteye. They must know that you’re exhausted from watching all those movies last night.
Snoop Around
If they leave you alone for any amount of time, it’s a good opportunity to get to know them better by finding what they are hiding.
Smoke Cigarettes / Vape
If you don’t get a chance to stink up the guest room be sure to leave your butts in the flower garden. Be sure to tell the families, kids, that smoking is bad for as a urea plume is bellowing from your face cavity.
Stay as long as you want
Usually, after three days people start to feel uncomfortable with a guest being in their home. This is not your problem, start complaining about some of your favorites you’ve been eating and how someone needs to go to the store.
Elf – There is a debate if Will Ferrel is funny or not. I think he’s probably the funniest in this movie and peaked here.
Christmas Vacation – Been watching this every year since 1990. I didn’t see it the first year it was out because all my friends went to the movies and didn’t bother inviting me. I am no longer friends with that “ringleader” for several reasons.
Die Hard – Saw this when I was a kid and I still watch it every year. Opening gifts and shouting “Yippee Ki Yay MF’er” makes for an interesting morning.
Lethal Weapon – Another Holiday favorite, who doesn’t enjoy Gary Busey’s wrist roasting on an open fire.
Iron Man 3 – I was pumped when I saw Holiday Trees in this movie. Also lots of roasting on open fire references as well as the secret Santa for the barn lab at the end (spoiler)
Shazam! The gift of superpowers and a new family makes it a holiday hit!
Jurassic World The ultimate Christmas Vacation where the zoo animals feast upon you.
Lord of the Rings, Hobbit, Harry Potter – While not technically Christmas movies they did come out at Christmas time so it counts. The same goes for Star Wars The Force Awakens, The Last Jedi, and The Rise of Skywalker.
The Bourne Identity – Follow Jason as he goes on a quest to remember where he hid the Christmas presents.
Find a good hiding spot to get away from the crowds
Well, the title can be misleading, as a recovering introvert, you will be exposed to more people than you will ever experience in your entire existence. You will have to set aside your need for quiet, conformity, and perfectionism. This will be messy, but here are my best tips.
I don’t care how much it costs, don’t be a cheap wad. Staying on property is worth every penny. You get a fantastic themed room, great bus service, and free parking if you get tired of someone’s butt in your face after you’ve raced to get a seat on the transport. I recommend booking a Skyliner resort as well. Just don’t stay until the park closes, otherwise, you will be waiting in one of those cattle corrals for over an hour.
Take a small bag, but only one.
Dads, haul the bag through security and let your family browse the overpriced items near the entrance. It’s a bad idea to have everyone bring a bag. Your wife will thank you for leaving her purse in the car. I use a small sling pack that can hold tons of stuff. What to put in the bag? Keep reading. You don’t need much.
Bring a refillable water bottle.
Preferably one that is vacuum sealed so it keeps ice all day. Most places will give you ice and you can fill up your bottle at any number of water fountains.
Bring sunscreen
Just a small refillable applicator and face stick. You will get burned in more than one way
Camera with zoom.
Preferably an SLR with longer optical zoom. It’s a little extra weight, but worth the pain because of the quality of the photos. The photographers there will even use your fancy pants camera because they appreciate your effort. Plus you can get photo tips from them as well. Just don’t take that big camera every day, just on those days when you plan out your iconic photos. If you can get a deal on the Disney photo pass, DO IT, I regret not just forking over the dough and getting all those great shots.
Enjoy the park food
Pack only a few snacks for when you or your family gets hangry. Beef Jerky, Slim Jims, Nuts, Granola bars something with protein, stuff that won’t melt. Enjoy the food in the park as much as you can. Again don’t be cheap, eat and enjoy the park food. Book a nice sit-down restaurant too.
Lightening Lanes
No brainer, get it for later in the day and head for the rides you want first as soon as the ropes drop. For instance, hit the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train or Tron first (Magic Kingdom) and then use your lightening lane later. Or just visit all the other rides while people pile on the most popular ones. You can book your LLs 7 days before your trip. You’ve already spent so much money what’s a few dollars more?
Stay at least 3 days
Spend at least an entire day at each park, but 3 will do. Most people skimp on the Animal Kingdom, but there is plenty to do. It’s not all about thrill rides. Thrill your brain and learn some stuff. Also, try to visit during Christmas time, the Magic Kingdom is way better when all the sights, sounds, and music of Christmas are up and running.
Get the park hopper option
We go to the Magic Kingdom every evening after we’ve exhausted our time at other parks. There is nothing quite like the Magic Kingdom at night.
Take care of your feet!
I can’t stress this enough, you will be walking miles per day. My personal best is 14 miles in a single day. Wear proper fitting and breathable shoes. Wear anti-friction socks and let them air out when you get back to the hotel. I managed to remain blister-free on my last two trips. Leave the flip-flop and slides at the hotel for the pool.
Also, don’t ride the haunted mansion first if you have small children.
When I was a kid I heard about the continental breakfast at the hotel we were staying at. I thought this was going to be a huge breakfast of plate tectonic proportions. Rivers of sausage gravy, bacon trays falling over like waterfalls, mountains of biscuits, and piles of scrambled eggs thick like a Tempurpedic mattress.
Daily Irritant 
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