There is a raging debate on whether or not you should fill up your tank with gasoline on each visit to the pump. If you fill up, it makes your car too heavy and causes excess wear and tear. If you only fill halfway up, you get better gas mileage but have to fill up more often. The problem is easily solved, car companies need to make smaller gas tanks.
Have you noticed that gasoline is always cheaper after you purchase it? Seems like every time I buy petrol for my automobile, the next day it’s on sale. When it’s time to buy fuel again, it jumps up another ten cents per gallon. I can’t seem to get on the cheap gas cycle. But when is the best time to buy gasoline? When your tank is near empty, that’s when. So fill’er up!
I’ve tried about everything there is and will still get burned. Reapplication doesn’t help, it only allows more roasting. There is no greater feeling than taking a hot shower after a day of being in the sun and you find out what spots you missed.
The best sunscreen is called the house. Staying inside a house is very effective at blocking UV rays. You have to stay away from windows as well. Pull the shades and curtains and turn off all the lights. Stay away from people too, that will help.
Few parents are as crazy as soccer moms and baseball/softball dads, but have you been to a swim meet? You would think it would be impossible to coach from the sidelines because the kids are underwater and can’t hear you, but here are a few tips.
Tell them to dive.
Scream at them to “Go, pull, stroke” while they are coming up for air.
Tell them to swim fast
Tell them to swim hard
Tell them to turn fast
Point out their stroke and breathing mistakes as soon as they exit the water
If they win first place, make sure they beat their previous time. Otherwise, tell them what they did wrong and threaten them with pulling them off the swim team if they aren’t going to try anymore.
If they won first place and beat their previous time, show them the Olympic time standards.
As you can see it’s pretty easy to coach from the sidelines for swimming as well. If your kids aren’t crying or cracking under the pressure then you aren’t doing your job.
Whenever you are faced with the challenge of finding a place to park you can always create your own. You can park on the curb, in the grass, and even block someone in their spot. It’s ok, you are all at the movie theater so eventually, you will come out and they will be able to leave as well. Works everywhere including baseball fields where parking is limited.
If you don’t want anyone to park near you, keep a couple of traffic cones with you and place them in spaces next to you. Looks really official.
[2 Pack]28 Inch Collapsible Traffic Safety Cones – Parking Cones with Reflective Collars,Orange Safety Cones for Parking lot，Driveway, Driving Training etc.
Back in my youth, I wanted to carry a grease pencil so I could write on windshields, but in our day of YouTubers, I’m sure I would be arrested in this day and age.
This sports drink dispenser is on every golf hole; it’s free, but it tastes terrible. It does leave your mouth feeling really clean. They should really work on the delivery method; it’s hard to quench the thirst trying to get your mouth on it.
On a serious note, if you haven’t tried LMNT, you are missing out. If you are playing in the Dog Days of summer and start to feel sick from dehydration, these salty sticks will turn you right around.
LMNT Zero Sugar Electrolytes – Watermelon Salt | Drink Mix | 30-Count
I usually don’t recommend holding in a fart, but if you can consciously help it, then don’t let it out in one of these places.
Close quarters Such as the gateway arch transport, there is no escape and it’s just cruel to unleash your cloud of hatred here.
Church Most churches have padded chairs, but you might find one that has old wooden pews. Just blame your pillar of cloud on the spirit moving you, many churchgoers won’t quench the spirit.
During an MRI You absolutely can’t move and it might destroy the image they are trying to capture. Plus only you get to smell it, and that’s no fun.
Elevators I know it’s cliche, but if you must, wait until you are about to get off. It’s the quickest way to move your stink from the ground floor so that people on the 13th floor can enjoy it.
Doctors Office It’s probably the easiest way to get the doctor to enter the room. Once you unleash it they will enter and probably put you on a probiotic regimen. Bonus points for holding it in after a prostate exam.
Now that we’ve successfully transitioned from having small children, I thought I’d “throw up” a few tips that I remember from taking them on vacation. Yes, we all know to bring pack-and-plays, diapers, wipes, and food, but what about the out-of-the-ordinary things that keep parents from going insane on vacations?
A small bottle ofdishwashing liquid – rancid sippy cups of milk found the next day in the floorboards are no fun to clean
Door stops – Toddlers are fascinated with opening and closing doors. It gets old with parents really quick. Especially if the doors are really heavy and can lop fingers off with ease. Rubber door stops are really cheap, too.
White noise device – We use one of our iPhones with White Noise; it’s great for drowning out the questionable random noises of a hotel room. You can also pick up a dedicated device. Just make sure to keep it out of their reach unless you want it cranked up to total volume in the middle of the night.
Stroller or Alternative – We had two different types. The Maclaren and we also have the Tikes Mobile. The tikes mobile was great for us because it gave our boy a sense of control and didn’t give the impression that we are torturing him with the stroller. Don’t put your kid on a leash, please.
Not a phone or tablet – there is a little human that you’ve been put in charge of. Narrate what’s going on around them. Don’t give in and reward their temper tantrums with candy or an iDevice.
Patience—We all don’t have enough of this. Toddlers can drive you crazy; they are all over the place. It’s easy to scream at them when they don’t do what you want. But keep them busy and don’t miss naps. If you can keep them happy on a trip, it will trickle down to everyone.
Who doesn’t love the beach? Well, I for one really do not care for it. The sand, the sunburn, the people. Anytime people get near water it seems their brain reduces functionality.
Beach Activities
Set up fishing poles in front of other families so that children get caught in the lines and potentially get hooked. Bring games where you throw objects that land onto others beach areas causing sand to fly onto them.
Bring Your Pets
Cats love the sand, it’s just one giant litter box. Buried treasure is always fun for kids when they go digging in the sand. Keep a dog tied up to a food-filled wagon so he can eat his fill. Let him loose to swim and allow him to take a huge dump where other children are playing in the water.
Bring some Food
Seagulls love food as much as you do. Once they see that wonderful white bread they will terrorize anyone around. Feed them so that it becomes a problem for other families.
Booze it Up!
Even though the beach is alcohol-free, bring your booze inside of a Sonic styrofoam cup or Gatorade bottle. You can still get drunk, obnoxious, and curse at the top of your lungs when your cornhole bag doesn’t hit the target. Don’t forget to blast profane music while your inhibitions are reduced causing you to grind each other on the beach.
With these tips, I’m sure everyone will have a good time at the beach.
Every Memorial Day, state troopers begin setting up sobriety checkpoints to decrease the traffic flow from sloth-like to gridlock. Here is what you are supposed to do. Give the officer your license and answer their questions. Here is what you don’t do. Trust me.
Have a whiskey scented air freshener
Ask if there are any escaped convicts on the loose
Don’t take their picture
Don’t talk about their gun
Don’t say things like “You need a license to drive?”
There are physical limitations to how far the seat will go back, but this person tries to recline at least fifty times so it’s in your lap. They recline the seat as soon as they get inside of the airplane. The flight attendant will tell them to bring it back to its full upright position, but as soon as they are out of sight it’s back to recline time.
If they don’t recline immediately when they arrive they wait until you get out your laptop so that it shoves the screen into your abdomen. They may also decide to recline when you have a beverage so that it spills into your crotch.
Once the plane begins to descend to your destination the flight person will tell them to become upright once again. Once they are out of sight, they will recline and relax until the rubber hits the runway.
Daily Irritant 
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