Category: Driving

Best Travel Snacks for Long Drives

~ SA Otey
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A tanker full of coffee? Grab a nozzle!

In this part of the country, I look out for Pilot or Flying J. I prefer those stores because they have relatively clean restrooms and various beverages and food selections. Flying J Pilot stores have coffee that will flap your eyelids to your forehead like the old vinyl window shades at your grandmother’s house. I mix Pilot Dark roast with their Intense blend and throw in a Stok espresso shot it’s enough to keep you awake far beyond your destination.

Back in the college days before I drank coffee, it was Pepsi Big Slams and No-Doze for the long road trips. As long as I can remember I would choose a Pepsi product, Slim Jims, and white cheddar popcorn. Maybe some Doritos now and again. One of the biggest problems with eating chips in the car is never enough roof clearance to tilt the bag and drink the crumbs. Well, maybe if you buy small bags.

Navigating Bathroom Breaks During Long Drives

~ SA Otey
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It never fails, you’ve been on the road for hours upon hours. You’ve tried to hold your urine as long as possible because you want to make it home without using another filthy gas station toilet. Last twenty minutes or so before you reach your destination, a car darts out in front of you. There was clearly no one behind them for 30 miles, but they felt this was the best chance they had to enter the roadway. This causes your brake pads to become one with the rotors as it sends your leftover Popeye’s chicken crumbs flying on the dashboard.

They are in no hurry either! They cautiously slow down at every side street just in case there is someone dumb enough to pull out in front of them. By now you can feel the bladder distension and infection forming from all the Pilot Coffee that’s been brewing in there all day. You then realize this person in front of you lives just down the street and you’ll be following them all the way to your house. Don’t hold it too long or you may get a kidney stone. Time to look for one of those empty coffee cups.

Smart Car Buying: Why Timing Matters

~ SA Otey

If you have a television and watch commercials for car dealers, they tell you right now is the best time to buy with incredible savings. However, if you wait another month you will get the best savings of the year. Then the next month it will be the absolute best time for rock bottom prices that will never happen again in all of eternity. If you keep waiting for the best sale of the year it will never happen and you will keep driving your beater until it falls apart.

Get yourself a used police car with all the fixtures. This will allow you to drive faster than everyone and keep others going the speed limit. You can also pick up some extra cash by pulling people over and taking bribes.

The best time to buy a car is when you need one. If you are paying a monthly repair cost that equals a car payment and are inconvenienced by the constant time of your vehicle being in the shop or left stranded on the side of the road at 18-wheelers whiz by, then it’s time to start looking. There are plenty of websites that will help you negotiate the best deal possible.

Tip, just get yourself a bottle of this and close your eyes while driving so you feel like you have a new car.

There are no men’s restrooms anymore.

~ SA Otey
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Do you go #1 or #2 in this thing?

On our way back from a long trip, we stopped at a gas station to use the toilets. I noticed a line of ladies had formed outside the bathrooms. As I approached the men’s room, a woman walked out and another one entered without hesitation.

Me: “Are we having some gender confusion here, ladies?”

Random Lady: “Women have babies, so we get to use your bathrooms”

I didn’t understand her logic, so I fired back…

Men get kicked in the testicles, so we can use your bathrooms?

Another time I went to a store and had to use the toilet. Surprisingly, there was only a “Family” and a woman’s restroom. My family wasn’t with me, so I had to use the women’s restroom, no other choice.
It’s not the first time I’ve used a woman’s toilet. I was interviewing for a job and was exhausted from the long flight and the uncomfortable hotel bed. After my lunch with the recruiter, I met my sister at Sam’s club to buy some snacks. I stopped off at the bathroom first and wondered why there were no urinals. I picked a stall next to someone who was sitting. I stood up to pee as normal. As I walked out, I did a doubletake as I saw the “Men’s” sign as I exited the women’s restroom. My sister was doubled over in laughter, but I’m sure the lady who was still in the toilet was just as confused as I was.
Now that we are moving to Gender Neutral restrooms in public places, this gives a whole new meaning to the term, “Baby Changing Stations”. I hope people don’t do anything stupid.

How to Frustrate Drivers on a Country Drive

~ SA Otey
you shall not pass the lord of the rings GIF-downsized

When it’s a nice country drive kinda day, why not frustrate other drivers along the way.  For instance, when you’re driving on a single-track road and a double yellow line appears you should drop your travel velocity 10 mph under the speed limit. Hopefully, the double yellow stripe is long allowing you to build a nice caravan of cars. However, once the line breaks and allows other to pass, give it some gas. This will cause maximum frustration for the drivers behind you. Repeat this process until you are rammed from behind or arrive at your destination.

How to Handle Tailgaters on the Road

~ SA Otey
Don’t repair your front bumper

How do you react when someone speeds up behind you after you’ve safely entered the roadway. They speed up to the point where you can’t see their headlights.  My immediate response to someone riding my bumper is to slow down ten miles per hour from my current speed. I will also make sure that I make a complete stop at every intersection and do a left-right-left check. I might even take my time inside the roundabout. I’m in no hurry.

New car technology is making it more difficult to attempt entry into another motorist’s trunk. The forward collision detection will apply brakes if it senses you are too close. Good thing you can disable it.

Pickup trucks rule the road

~ SA Otey
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Four flat tires?

I don’t remember getting cursed at by other drivers as much when I had my Chevy Silverado. There is an intimidation factor when driving a truck. I guess it depends on the type of truck you own too. You can still yell at people who drive stock Nissan Frontiers or Toyota Tacomas. However, that rule is thrown out the bigger the truck tires are or how high the little truck is jacked up. Also camouflage paint, exposed primer, or dents with rust. Visible and stocked gun racks also negate that rule.

What I don’t miss about the truck is the gas mileage and the tank size on fill-ups. Since I work from home that wouldn’t be such an issue considering my current car requires premium fuel. You can’t beat a truck when you need to haul a bunch of boards or get a yard full of mulch. However, you will be called upon to help someone move because they are too cheap to hire a Uhaul.

How to enter the flow of traffic.

~ SA Otey
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Let’s say you are just getting on the road for a long day of causing traffic problems. Your first entry into the flow of traffic is an important one. As you exit your street, look onto the main road or highway. Notice there is one car with no one behind them. Now is your opportunity to get in front of them. Never mind waiting an extra two seconds for a clear shot behind them. This would have prevented that person from slamming on the brakes and interrupting their texting session. You have to get in front of them! You can’t run the risk of them slowing you down. But now that you have your spot. Slow down, take your time, and have a carefree drive the rest of the way.

How to Drive Mindfully Among Aggressive Drivers

~ SA Otey
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But there’s a ditch there!

It really doesn’t matter how fast you are driving, there will always be someone on your bumper that will be inconvenienced. On the interstate, I’ve learned that if I do move over, the person who was checking my trunk contents will get in front of me and set their cruise control. Which causes me to have to pass them a few miles down the road.

As for this dude pictured above, he just guaranteed himself that I will drive the speed limit and follow every traffic rule. Any maybe I’ll pretend like I’m lost and take a few extra seconds at intersections while checking my iPhone maps.