Category: Holidays

Building Holiday Memories Without Santa Myths

~ SA Otey

Today marks St Nicholas Day. There is no better time to teach your children about who Santa really was. We decided that we would not pretend that someone came into our house and left presents for our children. It’s not fair to them or us because why does some stranger get credit for all the good stuff? Plus, we don’t have a chimney, so how does he get in? Well, I guess it’s easier nowadays since Amazon has access to your house and can open your door and leave packages. Maybe Amazon is the new Santa?

How did I learn that Santa wasn’t real? Well, during my 2nd grade class, we all were talking about Christmas and I mentioned that Santa was bringing me some Star Wars toys. The entire class erupted in laughter and began shaming me about believing in fairy tales. You know, kids are mean and cruel, much like adults when you talk about Jesus today. When I confronted my mother, she unveiled the falsehood of Father Christmas. This created a seasonal schism that altered my holiday happiness for years to come. I don’t want that for my offspring. I want them to build lasting Christmas memories without any trauma. Well, other than what my parenting already provides.

There is a drawback to not playing along with the whole Santa song and dance. You have to be cautious that your children don’t ruin Christmas for their friends. But the main reason we teach the real Santa, is we want them to know the real Jesus. We want them to focus on the greatest gift to this world and not on trinkets that will gather rust. We didn’t want them to one day say. “If Santa isn’t real, then is God real?”

How to Tell If Someone Doesn’t Like your Gift

~ SA Otey

Here are a few things to look for when someone opens your gift.

  • They look at the tag of who it’s from in preparation for disappointment.
  • The older the gifter is, the likelihood of giftee’s disappointment increases.
  • The puzzled look on their face once they open it.
  • They look at all sides of the box to see if it’s the wrong box for the contents
  • They open the box all the way and start to investigate to see if there is another present in there, you are going to surprise them with.
  • They start using the gift right away, and this will be the last time they use it.

It is far better to give than to receive, because you feel better about giving crappy presents than about receiving a terrible one.

Stop calling it Turkey Day

~ SA Otey

Since everyone is offended these days and it’s disrespectful to the turkey. Turkey’s have it rough, they are big, fat, and serve no other purpose than to feed large families a couple times a year.

DSC01179
Deep Fried Turkey

I’m not a fan of turkey. I’ve been smoking a brisket for the past few years on my Traeger. I’m not going to serve it until everyone has a heaping plate of turkey meat. Once we all sit down and I have brisket all up on my plate people will ask, Where was that? I will be like, “Ah, thought you all wanted turkey and condescended at the idea of barbecue.”

Thanksbrisket Day Receipe

  • Get a brisket flat and wood pellets from Costco
  • Warm up the Traeger to 225 and set it on super smoke
  • While the Trager is preheating, open the brisket and slather with yellow mustard and season heavily on all sides with a mix of kosher salt and coarse ground black pepper, and let set for 30 mins
  • Insert a probe into the thick part of the brisket and set for 165.
  • Place brisket (fat side up) in the center smoker with thicker end near the heat source.
  • Run super smoke for an hour then go to normal
  • Once the probe hits 165, wrap the brisket in butcher paper (think big burrito)
  • Return to the smoker and place it fat side up and set the probe temp to 205
  • Set the smoker temp to 275
  • Once the probe hits 205, put the brisket in a cooler to take a nap. It will stay super warm until you are ready to serve.

I start the prep around 10:30pm, get to bed around 12am, and then wrap the brisket at 5am to finish it off.

Traeger Ironwood Pellet Smoker Grill, Electric Wood Pellet Grill with WiFIRE App Control, 165F – 500F Degree Temperature Control Super Smoke Mode, 6-in-1

Ask before you wish a happy holiday…

~ SA Otey

For some reason, I started asking people first if they celebrate a holiday before I give them warm wishes. Or I’ll say something like. “Well, if you celebrate Thanksgiving, then have a happy one. Otherwise, enjoy doing whatever you do with the days we mark as a national holiday”. I don’t assume everyone celebrates Thanksgiving or Christmas, to do so would be oppressive right?

It also gives me an out because if I wish someone a specified happy holiday then they have the chance to say. “Oh, I don’t celebrate that particular holiday because it’s racist or hateful towards a certain demographic”. I don’t want to hear any of that garbage. I guess I will just keep my warm wishes to myself until someone tries to offend me with their merrymaking.

Black Friday comes once a year

~ SA Otey

Don’t let any of these retailers fool you. Black Friday happens once per year. There is no…

  • Black Friday in July
  • Early Access to Black Friday
  • Black Friday Starts now (First week of November)
  • Black Friday for only members of our website

The term “Black Friday” has two key origins: first, as a term used by Philadelphia police in the 1950s to describe the chaos of post-Thanksgiving shoppers, and second, the retail explanation that the day marks when stores go from being “in the red” (at a loss) to “in the black” (profitable). The Philadelphia origin was initially negative, but retailers rebranded the day in the 1980s with the more positive financial meaning as the term spread nationally. Now it means nothing.

Should you Celebrate Halloween?

~ SA Otey

I’m not talking from a religious but a practical perspective. Here are a few reasons to skip it.

Buying a costume

Kids get clothes for their birthdays and Christmas. Why buy them an outfit for a single day that will rip within a week after? If you must have a costume, make one out of clothes you don’t like and can go as an “ungrateful person who has too many clothes”

Buying candy

Candy is overpriced from September 1st to October 31st. However, if you want a good deal on candy, wait until November 1st and stock up. Who cares if there are pumpkin-shaped Reeses’ in your Christmas candy dish.

Having too much candy

There is too much candy in the house and it’s everywhere. It ruins your ketosis and sometimes your relationships if strategically shared.

Neighborhood gorefest

People living near you will display haunting displays of violence and paganism. You have to drive past it every time you leave to volunteer at the senior community.

If Martin Luther were still alive

~ SA Otey
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Everyone complains that Christmas was stolen from the pagan religions, but in this case, it’s Pagans who took over this holiday. He wouldn’t go door to door asking for candy. He would go to every door in the neighborhood and tack 95 theses to the door explaining how everyone is ruining “All Hallows Eve”.  It’s better than the bag of 95 feces on my doorstep.

Most Offensive Halloween Costumes

~ SA Otey
IrishMan

How about a drunk Irish guy with Leprechaun? Irish are pretty safe to make fun of, or they really don’t seem to care if you do, they will probably just beat the crap out of you if they get offended, which is rare.

Tub of Guts suit. What’s funnier than a fat person, right? I guess corpulence should be fine if you can dress as a skeleton.

JesusMan

Jesus is about the only religious figure left who’s safe to ridicule (but not for all eternity). He’s the most tolerant of all the deities, and he died for your sins, so why not tempt fate and your eternal soul with a little blasphemous masquerading. Plus, it might be helpful to keep those demons bound while you trick or treat.

In light of what’s appropriate or not for Halloween, we try to dress ourselves and our children in costumes that won’t offend. Well, at least most of the population that don’t get offended. You know, like Fat Irish Christians.

Why are there teal pumpkins?

~ SA Otey

Teal pumpkins exist so that kids know which homes to skip during trick or treat. It’s great that people want to include kids who can’t eat candy, but it also gives a heads-up to those who don’t want to waste their time. There are better things to do and more full-size candy bars to find. If my child were allergic to candy, then we wouldn’t participate at all. It would be a relief that we didn’t have to walk the neighborhood filled with displays of Wanton violence and Satanism.

Halloween Decorating Ideas

~ SA Otey

Since everyone is now decorating their yard for the Holiday, I thought I’d mention the best Halloween setup I’ve seen so far.

  • Police Tape – roped off area around the driveway
  • Police Car – lights flashing with an officer taking notes
  • Murdered Body – bloody sheet covering a body
  • CSI Agents – placing items in bags with precision
  • Body Removal – hauled away in a vehicle
  • Crying Family

Hmm, Maybe that wasn’t a Halloween setup.