Everyone complains that Christmas was stolen from the pagan religions, but in this case, it’s Pagans who took over this holiday. He wouldn’t go door to door asking for candy. He would go to every door in the neighborhood and tack 95 theses to the door explaining how everyone is ruining “All Hallows Eve”. It’s better than the bag of 95 feces on my doorstep.
How about a drunk Irish guy with Leprechaun? Irish are pretty safe to make fun of, or they really don’t seem to care if you do, they will probably just beat the crap out of you if they get offended, which is rare.
Tub of Guts suit. What’s funnier than a fat person, right? I guess corpulence should be fine if you can dress as a skeleton.
Jesus is about the only religious figure left who’s safe to ridicule (but not for all eternity). He’s the most tolerant of all the deities, and he died for your sins, so why not tempt fate and your eternal soul with a little blasphemous masquerading. Plus, it might be helpful to keep those demons bound while you trick or treat.
In light of what’s appropriate or not for Halloween, we try to dress ourselves and our children in costumes that won’t offend. Well, at least most of the population that don’t get offended. You know, like Fat Irish Christians.
Teal pumpkins exist so that kids know which homes to skip during trick or treat. It’s great that people want to include kids who can’t eat candy, but it also gives a heads-up to those who don’t want to waste their time. There are better things to do and more full-size candy bars to find. If my child were allergic to candy, then we wouldn’t participate at all. It would be a relief that we didn’t have to walk the neighborhood filled with displays of Wanton violence and Satanism.
Since everyone is now decorating their yard for the Holiday, I thought I’d mention the best Halloween setup I’ve seen so far.
Hmm, Maybe that wasn’t a Halloween setup.
But seriously, if you have a problem with July 4th, just hole up in your house shut all the curtains and sit in a dark room watching movies with noise-canceling headphones like I do. Happy Holidays!
Fireworks are nice, but not after 11pm, most people are attempting to sleep after their ears have been damaged by decibels of destructive detonations. Fireworks are fantastic at first, but there’s always somebody who bought enough to obliterate a small island.
I understand the Fourth of July and New Year’s, but I think people love the excuse to play demolition expert and terrorize cul-de-sacs and side streets. Here are a few fireworks tips to help you maximize this special day.
Happy Independence Day!
Every Memorial Day, state troopers begin setting up sobriety checkpoints to decrease the traffic flow from sloth-like to gridlock. Here is what you are supposed to do. Give the officer your license and answer their questions. Here is what you don’t do. Trust me.
If there isn’t already there should be a LOL day. There is a holiday now for every occasion, so why not for LOL’s. For an entire day simply put LOLs in the comment section for all your social media friends. Don’t bother reading the posts, just put LOL. Should be fine no matter what. Don’t just type LOL, but literally LOL. I mean LOL from the belly and make everyone think you are insane just for one day of the year.
I have a long track record of ruining Valentine’s Day. Probably the worst was when I sent my bride-to-be dead black roses. I ordered them from a fresh cut flower place online. I guess they cut them wrong. Instead of telling my fiancee that I loved her, I was sending her a message of death.
One year I didn’t realize that a certain restaurant needed reservations for Valentine’s day. So after being mocked by the host, I ended up picking up Taco Bell. We used our wedding china, which was more romantic than The Melting Pot.
One year, I had to visit a client for work. Both of my children had fits of vomiting and diarrhea. I’m still not a VD fan, so I don’t do anything. By default, it shows neglect and is worse than even attempting it.
Occurrence: Leap Day, also known as February 29th, occurs once every four years, with exceptions to years divisible by 100 but not divisible by 400. This adjustment is made to keep the Gregorian calendar in alignment with the Earth’s revolutions around the sun.
Famous Leaplings: Several notable individuals were born on Leap Day, including motivational speaker Tony Robbins, and Garry Gergich, also known as Jerry, Lenny, Larry or Terry. Their birthdays are celebrated on either February 28th or March 1st in non-leap years.
Leap Year Babies: People born on Leap Day are often referred to as “leaplings” or “leapers.” Since it’s a rare occurrence, leaplings usually celebrate their birthdays on either February 28th or March 1st in non-leap years.
Origin: The concept of adding an extra day to the calendar every four years traces back to the ancient Roman calendar, which originally had only 355 days. The extra day was added to synchronize the calendar with the solar year.
Benefits of Leap Day
Daily Irritant 
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