Don’t you love it when someone asks, “Hey, quick question for you”. Yes, the question is always quick, but the answer and the amount of work involved are always exponentially longer. After a few quick questions, you find yourself digging a hole with a backhoe, but filling it back in with a teaspoon.
Developers simply need to be able to read the minds of their users and develop software in anticipation of the unspoken needs. One of my favorite responses from an end user is when they say “Well, it’s not working the way I thought it would”. Well, maybe next time, why don’t you tell me how you want it to work and it will be much easier for both of us.
It really doesn’t matter how well you build or anticipate the needs of the end user. You can make it as bulletproof as you want but within the first few minutes of going live, there will be a catastrophic event that will bring the entire process to a screeching halt. Well, from the user’s perspective anyway.
Crunching Ice
I used to have shared cubicle space with an ice cruncher. She even brought ice in from home to work, all day long, every day.
Shuffling Cards
I don’t even like the computer game solitaire because of the sound of shuffling cards. Shuffling cards once is ok, but when you get all OCD and start shuffling them over and over, that’s enough.
Popping Gum
Some people never learned how to chew gum, and I’m assuming they are just as bad at eating food, or they crunch ice. Blowing a bubble and then inverting it into your mouth as you pop it several times. Some can even make it pop and crack on every chew with an open mouth
Chewing Food
This goes along with ice crunching, but some people sound like they are eating rocks, regardless of the food type. The sound rattles around their skull until it sounds like they are breaking off their teeth at the gum line. Sometimes, you can hear people eating beans and the sound of the bean paste sticking to their teeth.
Mechanical Keyboards
They have a great feel and feedback, but they sound like marbles being spilled on a tile floor. It doesn’t matter if they are a great typist or a hunt and pecker; both are equally annoying.
Cotton Mouth
Hearing someone speak who has a dry mouth is probably one of the worst sounds anyone can make. It’s even more torturous if the person is speaking in front of a large crowd and is using a microphone.
When you take time off do you enjoy yourself or do you worry about what work awaits you when you get back to the office? Do you check your email while you are on vacation? How do you break this habit?
It’s a difficult habit to break in our “connected” world. I only have one mobile phone and I use it for work. I remember a professor of mine complaining about his beeper. He felt like he was a dog on a leash and didn’t like the “chain jerking”.
Here are a few tips that I don’t follow whatsoever.
Remove your work apps
I know it’s a temporary pain to set them back up, but put it on your timesheet as “Admin”. Don’t try to sneak into your email from the web access either. You won’t like what awaits you.
Leave your smartphone at work in a locked drawer
Remember when you were a teenager in the 90s and didn’t have a smartphone and no one bothered you? Yeah me too. Take a trip down memory lane and ditch the smartphone for a week. Your wife and kids will eventually find you.
Not saying these things will show you are tolerant and keep you out of the Human Resource Office and employed. Really, you are better off not complimenting anyone.
No roll-call!
Start with “Who’s on the call”, that way everyone can start talking over each other. You could also let everyone announce themselves once they beep in. This applies even if they are five minutes late and someone is already talking.
Arrive Early
Use condescending phrases as people join. Say things like, “Nice for you to join us”. Or say, “We’ve been waiting so we can get started”. You know, sayings to make them feel bad
Don’t use the mute button
Yell at your other coworkers to keep it down. If you work from home yell at your family. But if you must use the mute button, use it as a stall tactic. This way, you can think of something to say when you are called upon.
Have a snack
If some schedule a call during breakfast hours (8am to 9am) or really anytime after, have a nice crunchy snack. Don’t forget to leave your mic off mute.
Arrive Late
Tell everyone you just got the meeting notice even though it’s been on the schedule for days. You could also blame it on another meeting or that you were “heads down” working on a tough problem. Be prepared for passive-aggressive statements
Make sure people can see your screen.
Don’t trust the technology. After you share your screen, make sure you ask the important follow-up question. “Can you see my screen?”
Question the Question
Ask a follow-up question anytime someone tries to call you out. Redirection is your ally. Always blame your faults on an insufficient functional spec or someone not on the call.
Some people just don’t know when to quit their verbal dialoguing. There are a few things you can do to ease the conversation to an end.
Electronics!
Play with your SmartPhone or Nintendo Switch OLED.
Making eye contact
You can make eye contact with other people as they walk by and use your “Help me” eyes. If you see a person with said “Help me” looks, call them on their phone and save them. Or you can make deep eye contact with the person talking your face off. Don’t reply, just maintain deep eye contact, even if they walk away first.
Other tips:
Mastering these quick exit strategies will save you from awkward or endless conversations while keeping things polite and professional.
Do you get offended when you are last on the carbon copy (CC) list in an email? Should you be? I think so!
Last on the List
It’s like the person considers you an afterthought. Especially if it’s really good news. For instance, if there are free leftovers in the break room and you are overweight, then it’s like they are saying you shouldn’t eat because you are too fat.
First on the List
Being first on the CC list is offensive depending on the subject line of the email. If it’s about a procedure being violated or a new SOP, then you must be the worst offender or a troublemaker. It’s even worse if you are addressed and everyone else in the department is CC’d. For instance, when a new CIO takes over and he says to you that he doesn’t care if you wear jeans to work. The next day you wear jeans and your manager who doesn’t have this information yet, sends an email, addresses you solely, but CC’s the rest of the department. However, if it’s good news, such as free leftovers in the break room, then you should feel honored. Unless you are rail thin, which means your coworkers are trying to fatten you up.
Somewhere in between
You want to be nestled somewhere in the middle of the CC list. This usually means you are part of a group email or just on a shortlist of people who need to know stuff. This also means that you aren’t really that important either, you get lost in the shuffle and you will never get a raise or promotion because you lack initiative and goals. Wow, maybe it’s worse to be in the middle.
Of course, all these rules are thrown out if someone uses an alphabetized email distribution list and their last name is Aaberg or Zywiec.
When I used to work in a cubicle farm, it was important where you put your garbage. Instead of throwing your waste in the break room garbage, walk by someone’s cubicle and toss it in their rubbish receptacle near the entrance. Chances are they won’t get up and look who did it. They will enjoy the aroma of the leftover salmon you reheated in the microwave. If they complain, report them to HR because they are not team players.
Dale Carnegie once said, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language”. Unless that name is said over and over in a debate or argument. For instance, you are trying to defend your belief or position on a topic and the person keeps interrupting you and saying your name. “But Bob, you know….” and “Bob, you don’t realize.” Or the best of all when they chain your name together. “Bob, Bob, Bob…”
I don’t know if that bothers anyone else, but I stop them and ask them why they keep saying my name. I say, “I know my own name, did you forget who you are talking to and you have to keep reminding yourself?” Stop being so condescending.
Daily Irritant 
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