If you have the option to order a family platter of anything, you should. If the family is a qualifier then tell them you have a family, but they are not with you. When you order a family platter ask if it’s a family of pigs you are eating or if the quantity is meant to be consumed by a family. That’s an important piece of information, otherwise, you may eat too much.
Also, everyone needs a family. That title was misleading.
I think all guys are required to buy feminine products for their spouse as a married man’s right of passage. It’s a humbling experience and an awkward one if there is another woman in the aisle, especially if you ask for recommendations. Almost as awkward when you ask a waiter for a sanitary napkin when you really meant a wet nap.
I think the worst pad pickup was when we were out of town traveling back from a 10-hour drive. As much as I enjoy being trapped in a cage with a honey badger after spending time with in-laws, it doesn’t help when I have to make a late-night visit to a strange town to get uterine diapers. For some reason, I went to Wal-Mart that night. As usual, there are about 500 registers at Wal-Mart, but only two are staffed. I noticed a short express line and only two people waiting, but as soon as I entered the cashier turned off her light. When she finished checking out the person in front of me she spat her venomous rejection that she was closing down. In an act of desperation after seeing thousands of people with buggies filled with dog food and I raised my voice drawing attention to myself and the cashier. “Ma’am I’ve very sorry but my wife is bleeding in our hotel room” I called attention to my only item raising it high for all to see like Rafiki holding up Simba. She lowered her head and apologized, “I completely understand”. I was her last customer for the night.
The best way that I’ve found to reduce motorcycle fatalities is to not own a motorcycle. Unless a motorcycle crashes into my vehicle and the rider flies through my windshield, then my chances of dying by motorcycle are greatly reduced. Here a just a few observations that I’ve noticed that will help you not die on a motorcycle.
Yes, I’m not man enough to own/ride a motorcycle. I had one wreck on a dirt bike as a kid and my legs went numb for a few minutes. I’m good. But enjoy yours, and don’t be a jerk.
The most popular method has quickly become the empty cardboard tube on the dispenser with the new roll of toilet paper on the countertop.
There has been a raging debate since the invention of toilet paper. How do you install the roll? Is it over or under? There should be no debate, the inventor clearly designed it to work a certain way as illustrated in the photo. However, when you go to someone’s house and use the bathroom, whichever way the toilet paper is installed, switch it to the other direction.
Today, people flock to Starbucks because it’s what they know; they don’t know any better. Growing up, I could not stand the taste of coffee. My parents and grandparents would pour these foul-smelling cups of what looked like oil runoff from the Sears Auto Center. It’s what they knew because it was the cornerstone of the market. People get used to what they know, and it’s hard to change.
When I buy Starbucks coffee, I get the jitters because there is so much caffeine in each cup. It’s like they spray the beans with extra caffeine before they grind them. Get to know a local roaster. It’s the best way to get your coffee; it will cost less and taste much better. Keep it simple with a Press Pot, Hot Water Kettle and a good burr grinder.
It’s frustrating to purchase exercise equipment. Not because it’s expensive, but because there is an unrealistic expectation in the commercials. You always see super-fit people using the equipment. Why not show some regular people who are really out of shape struggling to untangle themselves from the BoFlex cables? Show us how easy it is to use. Don’t show us some elite athlete who is maxing out the equipment. You are setting us up for failure. It’s also important to know how many hangers of clothing the item can eventually hold
One person’s trash is another person’s trash to deal with now. Why do you think they sold it for so cheap, or it was left on the curb to rot? My favorite way to restore furniture is to return it back to its original state. That is dust. Throw the old piece of furniture into the garbage where it belongs. Go buy yourself some fresh new quality furniture. Keep those furniture makers employed, or better yet, make your own!
Now that it’s hot and humid outside, what better way to cool down than with a slice of watermelon? If you ever see somebody with a pickup bed full of melons, here’s how to get a deal. For instance, if you can get one for $6 or two for $10. Buy two of them and then ask to return one of them. Since one watermelon is worth $6 dollars you end up paying only $4 for the one watermelon. It’s a great deal. If they don’t accept returns, just smash both of your watermelons all over the pavement so that the onlookers can see. It’s only $10, and how fun is it to smash a watermelon? Just ask Gallagher.
I’ve never understood why people hold hands. I see many couples holding hands in public places. It’s a signal that the person is saying, “Hey, look at me, I’ve got another human as my companion, aren’t you jealous?” I also think these people are insecure, and they need to hold that person’s hand because they are low in self-confidence or just prideful and showing off that someone likes them enough to latch on. However, my children hold my hand while walking across the interstate. So there’s that.
Making the transition from Rec League to Travel/Club ball is never easy, but we can help you look the part with minimal effort. Just requires a few adjustments to your wardrobe and gear.
Team Hat and Shirt
Contact your team mom to get the link to your swag store. At a minimum, you need a sun hat
Viper Sunglasses – Hide your long stares, glares, and angry eyes.
Long Beard – patchy is best, helps hide the double chin
BP Jacket – help cover up the beer gut
Cargo Shorts – deep pockets for sunflower seeds and extra fluid for your electronic cigarette
Hey Dudes – Easy on easy off, just like a 1-2-3 up 3 down. Might fly off if you fight other parents or umpires.
Beer Gut – pairs nicely with the BP Jacket
Big Mouth for Bleacher Coaching
Rocker Chair that Squeaks – get comfortable near the live stream camera while the pistons squeak enough to drown out the bleacher coaching.
Yeti Tumbler (With Questionable Beverage)
Camera – Hang on the fence to record your child for later analysis and criticism.
Daily Irritant 
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