Everyone loves to brag. Whether it’s about your accomplishments or your children’s it’s all about getting a leg up on the competition. But, some people don’t even know when you are competing with them. Here’s a good way to put this to the test.
Pick out one of your friends on Facebook. Next, copy and paste one of their posts, but change out the proper nouns. Try to take similar photos, and share the same status messages from other websites. But, the twist is this, you have to make your status messages better than theirs. See if they notice after a few weeks of this.
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You will have greater awareness and response time for all those other texters who are swerving over the yellow line. Almost everywhere I drive, I have constant panic attacks. I see oncoming traffic jerk the wheel at the last minute. As I pass someone on the interstate you can see them looking down while weaving in and out of lanes. It’s a truly terrifying time to be a driver.Â
You have more time to eat
If you are not holding your phone, you can hold a burger or burrito. If you are a two-hand texter and drive with your knees you can eat your salad or chicken tenders with dippin’ sauces. Bonus if you have lane keep assist on your vehicle. No need for knees and two hands off the wheel freeing you up to eat monster burgers from Hardee’s
You won’t die
Probably the best benefit is you will keep living your life and not be dead. There are plenty of other things that can go wrong while driving. Do not add to the deadly mix of your terrible driving skills plus distracting technology.
Helpful tip, if you are traveling and notice someone viewing their smart device, give the horn a toot and get their attention.
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Maybe it’s part of the coastal state of South Carolina’s Department of Motor Vehicles big plan to remove cars from the road. Why would I want to buy a car when I can purchase a moped or golf cart to get from point A to B. I won’t need a license, and never pay a cent of tax? I could also allow my 12-year-old to terrorize the suburbs.
I made the move to pass at my first opportunity. The dude here swerves in front of me and begins zig-zagging like a clown on a tricycle hopped up on PCP. I then revert back to my original lane and he repeats this insanity with more lane swaying. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to pass HIM. He proceeds to signal left, get off his fart can, and prepare fisticuffs. I start slowing down. My lovely bride screams a reminder. She tells me I have more to lose than a guy more than likely headed back to his trailer. My tax dollars paid for a large alcoholic beverage for him.
I can understand that you need to get places. However, don’t put others’ lives at risk. Allow others to legally pass if your method of transportation can’t exceed 35 on a 55 mph road.
Things probably could have gone horribly wrong once at a Hampton Inn. There was a traveling baseball team, who pretty much devoured all the food at breakfast if you didn’t wake up in time. I’m guessing one of the coaches or older brothers was having a bit too much to drink late one evening and starting hollering at me as I entered the snack area.
Him: “Who do you play for?!”
I made a quick pivot towards the direction of the yelling. My natural reaction which isn’t the most friendly, but it didn’t seem to back him down at all. He walked towards me getting in my face, the vapor trail of alcohol soon followed.
Him: “Do you play for Bartlett?”
Me: “What?”
Him: You cool with Justin Timberlake and all that S#!t”?
Me: “I don’t even know what you are trying to ask me.”
Him: “Someone stole my M…F..in’ lunch today…”
Me: “They have a good breakfast here, hope you enjoy it”
He kept talking while I walked away…
I looked for a Bluetooth earpiece, or maybe he was so drunk that he was about to pass out. Who knows…
I’ve changed my strategy over the years, but I do not subscribe to automatic tipping. 20% is the max and it goes down from there.
10% Deductions
If the waiter attempts to show off and not write your order down and either get the order is wrong or has to come back to verify the order.
If your food has hair(s) in it, deduct an extra dollar for coarse curly hair(s)
If the silverware is not clean
Your salads arrive a minute after your appetizer
Then your meals arrive a minute later.
Another dollar if you still have no silverware.
If you touch any of us.
2% Deductions
If the waiter gets your drink order wrong
If the waiter brings your change in a bunch of small bills without you asking
The waiter asks if you want change, no matter the bill denomination
You have to ask for your change
If your change is greater than you should get. (a bit presumptuous are we?)
If your waiter comes back twice within a minute asking if you are ready to order.
Your table has leftovers from the last meal encrusted on the table.
When you order water and they never refill it. (I’m cheap, but I’m still thirsty)
1%
For each minute your drink is empty
If the waiter asks _how you guys doing_ when you have your mouth full.
Ask if we “saved room” for dessert after we requested for a takeout box.
If the color of the ink for signing the bill is other than blue or black
You ask for Malt Vinegar and you get Red Wine Vinegar.
100% (yes, I will ask you for money or a free meal)
Spill something on me or my family.
Drop food while carrying it to the table and put it back on the plate.
Sneeze on the food in front of us.
Use a smart a$$ response while we order.
Curse and Complain about the restaurant or your boss within earshot of my kids.
Extra Credit
Smile
The waiter doesn’t write down the order and gets it correct in every way
Recommend something that you’ve actually eaten there.
Act like you enjoy your job
Remember our names
I know being a waiter is a tough job. I’m guessing because I dislike tough jobs, so I’ve never been a waiter. You have to put up with jerks and picky eaters and people who don’t tip well regardless of great service. Don’t work there just because it pays well, do something you enjoy. If you hate being a waiter, go find something else to do so that you don’t ruin the restaurant’s reputation. The customer isn’t always right, I know that firsthand. Customers are stupid and unreasonable and sometimes need a free side order of batter-fried crumbs with their long john silvers fish planks. Is that so much to ask?
What kind of things cause you to reconsider your tips?
Do you get offended when you are last on the carbon copy (CC) list in an email? Should you be? I think so!
Last on the List
It’s like the person considers you an afterthought. Especially if it’s really good news. For instance, if there are free leftovers in the break room and you are overweight, then it’s like they are saying you shouldn’t eat because you are too fat.
First on the List
Being first on the CC list is offensive depending on the subject line of the email. If it’s about a procedure being violated or a new SOP, then you must be the worst offender or a troublemaker. It’s even worse if you are addressed and everyone else in the department is CC’d. For instance, when a new CIO takes over and he says to you that he doesn’t care if you wear jeans to work. The next day you wear jeans and your manager who doesn’t have this information yet, sends an email, addresses you solely, but CC’s the rest of the department. However, if it’s good news, such as free leftovers in the break room, then you should feel honored. Unless you are rail thin, which means your coworkers are trying to fatten you up.
Somewhere in between
You want to be nestled somewhere in the middle of the CC list. This usually means you are part of a group email or just on a shortlist of people who need to know stuff. This also means that you aren’t really that important either, you get lost in the shuffle and you will never get a raise or promotion because you lack initiative and goals. Wow, maybe it’s worse to be in the middle.
Of course, all these rules are thrown out if someone uses an alphabetized email distribution list and their last name is Aaberg or Zywiec.
With today’s attention span, Hollywood can’t risk confusing the audience of movie sequels. Some choose not to number their movies, probably because the director knows their fan base is smart enough to distinguish the difference. It’s easy to follow the sequence of “Batman Begins”, “The Dark Knight”, and “The Dark Knight Rises”. However, if you are confused about “Breakin” and “Breakin 2” then you have greater issues to deal with. Consequently, ever since that Breakin’ 2 came out, I attach “Electric Boogaloo” to any movie that has a 2 in the title. Moana 2 “Electric Boogaloo”
What is the best diet? The one you can make into a lifestyle. Low fat, high carb, keto, whole food paleo using the 80/20 principle?
Is it this?
Dear Nutrisystem,
I know you want to promote your product, but fat-shaming men is not ideal. Don’t assume all men sit on the couch watching football and eating pie. Also, men can cook so stop with the gender stereotypes. I tried Nutrisystem for a month once and while I did lose weight as advertised it’s not a sustainable lifestyle. There are much better ways to shed pounds than eating packaged food. The key is creating a lifestyle with micro resolutions, not a short-term fix.
The Slow carb diet, if followed, can be sustained for an extended period. Just be careful that your cheat days don’t turn into cheat weekends, weeks, months, then years. Slow-carb diet pretty much saved my life.
Just because Christmas is over doesn’t mean you stop singing these songs.
Winter Wonderland
This song has nothing to do with Christmas. Rather it’s about weather precipitation, the perils of building snowmen, the migration patterns of birds, and making wedding plans.
Jingle Bells
Again, why is this associated with Christmas? This song is about treacherous winter travel and being left for dead after an accident.
Let it Snow
This couple just happens to be caught in a winter storm and the power keeps going out. This song is about someone who has been stuck in the friend zone and keeps waiting for that kiss goodnight but can’t take the hint that’s it’s time to leave. You probably won’t get that kiss because you have popcorn hulls stuck in your teeth.
Baby it’s cold outside
You are probably sick of it by now, but it’s still not a Christmas song. Probably the most disturbing of all the winter melodies. Loved ones are worried, waiting, and suspicious of a person who is keeping someone against their will with the lure of booze and cigarettes? Does this person have an addiction or is it just a case of Stockholm Syndrome?
A Marshmallow World
Here we have a tune about type two diabetes if the world were made of sugary marshmallows. If you listen closely it’s really a song about Groundhog’s Day.
Sleigh Ride
Closely related to Jingle Bells but nothing is Christmassy about this song. Just more of those incessant ringing bells that make your head ring instead. This song seems to fit better as a snow day that cancelled school.
Just because Christmas is over doesn’t mean you stop singing these songs.
Daily Irritant 
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