Remember when you needed a FastPass for the FastPass kiosk so you can get more FastPasses. That is probably the number one phrase I hear at Disney, “I’m so glad we got a FastPass”. Really? Who doesn’t want a FastPass? Why would anyone say, “I’m so glad I get to wait in this 90-minute line for a 1-minute and 30-second ride. Of course, you can use the app or book ahead of time. However, it’s not beneficial unless you stay at WDW resort and can get the FP+ for the Mine Train at 8 pm because you still don’t have the inside track on bookings. I recently visited the Magic Kingdom and I felt like I needed to get a FastPass for the trash cans, water fountains, toilet, and even to exit the park.
Genie Plus was far from perfect, but you really need maximum Disney enjoyment to become super rich and take one of those guided tours where they shuffle you in and out of rides and give you all access to the underbelly of Disney. It might be easier to fake a horrible disease, but I’m sure Disney will vet you thoroughly via DNA scans, and you can get your super cool Fastpass.
Rules don’t apply Guy – The selfie stick is banned? No problem, I’ll shove it in some crevasse to sneak it in. The guy can even sneak in a cooler with lunch for his whole crew. Somehow, he’s flying a drone over Main Street USA.
Line skipper Steve – This person will come to the front of the line when it’s time to ride. How do they accomplish this? They let someone else wait for them. Whether it be a grandmother in a scooter or a wife with a stroller he manages to let others do the waiting. Always uses the phrase. “So sorry, just catching up with my family”.
Stroller Steamroller Sally -She has the biggest stroller you’ve ever seen, and it’s her weapon to make a path through the park. Your ankles will be destroyed. It will be your fault if you are hit.
Bassackwards Bruce -He’s related to Debbie and Patty, but he will reverse course in an instant. He will at least wait until you are right behind him and carrying a beverage so that it dumps over both of you.
Single Rider Abusing Brian -Brian will use the single rider line with his family of 12 leaving his younger children to fend for themselves either in line with strangers at the gift shop.
Never Hungry Hugh -He’s always munching on something. Turkey legs, popcorn, ice cream, and he’s never hungry. Not necessarily a fat person, but a person with deep pockets and a hollow leg.
Flashy Frida – Frida likes to use her flash on a dark ride, during fireworks, or to locate someone with the strobe effect on her phone. Frida doesn’t care if the ride is supposed to be dark and spooky. She’s the only person riding.
Body Oder Bobby -BO Bo likes to sweat it up all day at the park while smelling like a tub of French onion dip. The tactic works as it frees up space around him and sometimes will make people leave the line because they will start craving wavy potato chips.
Dead Stop Debbie – She will be walking in front of you and then come to a complete stop to check for wait times. Keep a safe following distance to allow her to stop and clear a path for any Sally’s nearby.
Path Blocking Patty -She’s at the exit of a ride looking at her one of many hundreds of selfies from the previous ride. She could be waiting for the rest of her party at the Fastpass entrance. She doesn’t want you to experience the ride before her so she pleads for you to wait so her family can all ride together.
Fastpass Freddie – Always has a FastPass no matter what. Somehow he’s got a friend on the inside or is using the FastPass that he booked for his 2-year-old or wife who gets motion sick.
Wait Time Walter – Checking the wait times of other rides at other parks regretting their park pick of the day.
Instagram Izzy – Has to have that perfect pose for social media to make everyone FOMO
Virtual Queue Viola – Always has a place in line no matter if the boarding groups are full. Will stand at the entrance waiting for her time while blocking the other boarding groups that are called.
One Step Ahead Fred – This person is in front of you at the turnstile, then at the rope drop, and then the people mover. As you exit the ride and you walk as fast as you can across the park, he’s already 20 people ahead of you on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. As you are leaving, he’s already on the departing monorail. You see him walking around Hourglass Lake while you are on the skyliner. When you finally get back to your room and open your door, you can hear someone in the shower. It’s FRED!
Find a good hiding spot to get away from the crowds
Well, the title can be misleading, as a recovering introvert, you will be exposed to more people than you will ever experience in your entire existence. You will have to set aside your need for quiet, conformity, and perfectionism. This will be messy, but here are my best tips.
I don’t care how much it costs, don’t be a cheap wad. Staying on property is worth every penny. You get a fantastic themed room, great bus service, and free parking if you get tired of someone’s butt in your face after you’ve raced to get a seat on the transport. I recommend booking a Skyliner resort as well. Just don’t stay until the park closes, otherwise, you will be waiting in one of those cattle corrals for over an hour.
Take a small bag, but only one.
Dads, haul the bag through security and let your family browse the overpriced items near the entrance. It’s a bad idea to have everyone bring a bag. Your wife will thank you for leaving her purse in the car. I use a small sling pack that can hold tons of stuff. What to put in the bag? Keep reading. You don’t need much.
Bring a refillable water bottle.
Preferably one that is vacuum sealed so it keeps ice all day. Most places will give you ice and you can fill up your bottle at any number of water fountains.
Bring sunscreen
Just a small refillable applicator and face stick. You will get burned in more than one way
Camera with zoom.
Preferably an SLR with longer optical zoom. It’s a little extra weight, but worth the pain because of the quality of the photos. The photographers there will even use your fancy pants camera because they appreciate your effort. Plus you can get photo tips from them as well. Just don’t take that big camera every day, just on those days when you plan out your iconic photos. If you can get a deal on the Disney photo pass, DO IT, I regret not just forking over the dough and getting all those great shots.
Enjoy the park food
Pack only a few snacks for when you or your family gets hangry. Beef Jerky, Slim Jims, Nuts, Granola bars something with protein, stuff that won’t melt. Enjoy the food in the park as much as you can. Again don’t be cheap, eat and enjoy the park food. Book a nice sit-down restaurant too.
Lightening Lanes
No brainer, get it for later in the day and head for the rides you want first as soon as the ropes drop. For instance, hit the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train or Tron first (Magic Kingdom) and then use your lightening lane later. Or just visit all the other rides while people pile on the most popular ones. You can book your LLs 7 days before your trip. You’ve already spent so much money what’s a few dollars more?
Stay at least 3 days
Spend at least an entire day at each park, but 3 will do. Most people skimp on the Animal Kingdom, but there is plenty to do. It’s not all about thrill rides. Thrill your brain and learn some stuff. Also, try to visit during Christmas time, the Magic Kingdom is way better when all the sights, sounds, and music of Christmas are up and running.
Get the park hopper option
We go to the Magic Kingdom every evening after we’ve exhausted our time at other parks. There is nothing quite like the Magic Kingdom at night.
Take care of your feet!
I can’t stress this enough, you will be walking miles per day. My personal best is 14 miles in a single day. Wear proper fitting and breathable shoes. Wear anti-friction socks and let them air out when you get back to the hotel. I managed to remain blister-free on my last two trips. Leave the flip-flop and slides at the hotel for the pool.
Also, don’t ride the haunted mansion first if you have small children.
There is no need for a Lighting Lane if you want to watch some concrete set at the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World. I’ll come back in seven years to check on it. Not everything has a Lighting Lane at Walt Disney World, but some spots should. Here are a few ideas.
Bathrooms – Sometimes the sphincter muscles will not hold diarrhea at the doorstep. Some people would gladly exchange their Seven Dwarfs Mine Train pass for a luxury stall with Cottonelle wipes. Yes, your magic band would unlock the stall door.
Monorail – After a long day, nothing is more discouraging than waiting in a long cattle corral to board a bacteria tube filled with an unknown virus variant. Of course, if you have a motorized cart, you get an automatic Lighting Lane, but you don’t want to fake a disability.
Trams
After priority deboarding of the ferryboat or monorail, you should be able to choose your lightning lane for an express tram to the parking lot.
Quick Service Restaurants
Still not quick enough, you need your own lane to avoid people who continue to stand in line and have decision indecision over burgers or chicken strips.
First Aid
Sometimes you need contact lens solution, sometimes you need a bandaid, sometimes you need a tourniquet.
There used to be a shortcut to Storybook Circus beside Space Mountain. The path was lined with outcast smokers who were escaping frantic park-goers by calming themselves with a blast of hotboxed nicotine. You had to be mindful if you took your kids down this path of potential inhalations. They would get about a month’s worth of 2nd and 3rd hand smoke, which may have been enough of a taste to lead them to become lifelong smokers. In honor of that special spot, there is now a line of smokers waiting a the Tron rider out of the eye line of cast members. Smokers never give up; smokers find a way.
I don’t know if you ever could, but I know you can’t drink alcohol at the Magic Kingdom. You can still booze it up at Epcot, Animal Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios and then head on over to Magic Kingdom. However, it doesn’t stop smokers with cigarettes of an electronic nature. No, that’s not pixie dust, it’s vapor clouds.
I once stayed at the Swan and Dolphin Resort inside Walt Disney World during a company retreat. It’s a really nice hotel and something I wouldn’t choose to stay at normally. The cafes and restaurants are out of this world expensive so I can see why someone would want to float the bill to another guest. I had a large purchase on my room ticket and it turned out to be $28 worth of food at the Java bar. I at first thought it was an in-room charge for using the Starbucks coffee pods.
When I checked in, their credit card machine was down. So they used one of those carbon-copy machines to do an imprint. I’m shocked those things still exist. I assumed someone found my card and went caffeine crazy. To my dismay, all someone had to do was write down a room number to charge it. You should have to at least verify the name or show some I.D. This hotel went retro with the credit and mistakes were made. The good thing is they gave me my money back, but the guy in accounting didn’t act like he believed me. I said I have a digital trail that shows I was in Hollywood Studios during the time of purchase. But their tone from him was “Yeah, sure”. Oh well, at least someone got free coffee overpriced coffee.
Can you guess which ride? No, it’s not the auto-flush toilet. Even those have a wait time. On a side note, you should probably add Genie Plus Lightning Lane to the toilet bowl near Pecos Bill’s after you eat two pounds of beef nachos. It’s tough to find zero wait times, but it’s possible. Just a tip, if you ever see a 13-minute wait time on Haunted Mansion or Tower of Terror, there’s no wait.
When I say coolest rides, I mean rides that you can sit down and cool off. These are not necessarily fun rides but rides when you need a break from the heat and crowds and want to relax a bit. Here are my go-to rides that have relatively low wait-to-ride ratios.
Carousel of Progress
Large air-conditioned theater, low lights, and a nice view of the evolution of technology for the upper-middle-class family. I have noticed that people will get up in the middle of the ride and exit, which will prompt the PA announcer to bellow out hateful instructions to park their can in the seat. But this is my go-to ride on when I’m exhausted, it’s the most comfortable.
Haunted Mansion
Again, cold and dark, but a bit funky smelling. One portion of the ride even reclines so that you can stretch out a bit. Very relaxing until that hitchhiker at the end removes your noggin.
People Mover
It’s air-conditioned the old-fashioned way, wind! Pretty comfortable and they will let you stay on if it’s not to busy. Sit back, put your feet up, and don’t forget to WOOO! when you enter Space Mountain.
Hall of Presidents
Another great show with some history, ignore the massive revisionist history. Just enjoy the show and the people booing Barack Obama and Donald Trump robots.
Disney World Railroad
Best if you ride in the evening and get some more of that wind air conditioning. You can ride as long as you like and it makes a nice alternative to walking from Frontier Land to Main Street at the end of the day.
Remember when Disney had the “human trafficking” scene in the popular Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland and Magic Kingdom? Yes, the ride that features pirates. Just look up what real pirates have done in the past. So if you really think about it, the whole ride should be shut down. This scene was removed and replaced with a lady pirate with red hair trying to move Rum to keep the men drunk. However, the war-mongering, torture, arson, thievery, drunkenness, and domestic violence toward men scenes will stay.
Nothing is more frustrating than pushing a button for soap snot. I’m surprised that Disney World hasn’t adopted the foam dispensers. I love the foam because it cleans well and doesn’t make you rinse your hands for 20 minutes. I’m sure the initial cost would be huge, but the long-term savings would be tremendous. That way Disney can lower their ticket prices and offer free parking.
Made a hidden Mickey with camera angles (noticed after the fact)
Remember when you needed a FastPass for the FastPass kiosk so you can get more FastPasses. That is probably the number one phrase I hear at Disney, “I’m so glad we got a FastPass”. Really? Who doesn’t want a FastPass? Why would anyone say, “I’m so glad I get to wait in this 90-minute line for a 1-minute and 30-second ride. Of course, you can use the app or book ahead of time. However, it’s not beneficial unless you stay at WDW resort and can get the FP+ for the Mine Train at 8 pm because you still don’t have the inside track on bookings. I recently visited the Magic Kingdom and I felt like I needed to get a FastPass for the trash cans, water fountains, toilet, and even to exit the park.
Daily Irritant 
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