Tag: poop jokes

Top Places to Avoid Farting in Public

~ SA Otey
IMG_3597.jpg
St. Louis Gateway
Fart Capsule

I usually don’t recommend holding in a fart, but if you can consciously help it, then don’t let it out in one of these places.

Close quarters
Such as the gateway arch transport, there is no escape and it’s just cruel to unleash your cloud of hatred here.

Church
Most churches have padded chairs, but you might find one that has old wooden pews. Just blame your pillar of cloud on the spirit moving you, many churchgoers won’t quench the spirit.

During an MRI
You absolutely can’t move and it might destroy the image they are trying to capture. Plus only you get to smell it, and that’s no fun.

Elevators
I know it’s cliche, but if you must, wait until you are about to get off. It’s the quickest way to move your stink from the ground floor so that people on the 13th floor can enjoy it.

Doctors Office
It’s probably the easiest way to get the doctor to enter the room. Once you unleash it they will enter and probably put you on a probiotic regimen. Bonus points for holding it in after a prostate exam.

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How to Choose the Best Porta Potty

~ SA Otey
Choose luxury

If you have to use a porta-potty, find the largest one, chances are there is a dry patch for you to stand in while you try to hit the target. Try not to look down the hole it will break your concentration and you will mess yourself. If you must defecate, you should probably wait until you go home.

How Red Beans and Rice Changed My Marriage

~ SA Otey
tonyc
Yellow cloud?

When I was first married, I thought it would be nice to slowly introduce the spouse to some food I enjoyed while living in the Deep South. One night I prepared Red Beans and Rice with cornbread. I went all out and bought two boxes of Tony Chachere’s from the local Food Lion. Well after a few bites in she decided it was too spicy, and plus I forgot about her terrible acid reflux.

So what now? I had a huge pot of red beans and rice. I didn’t want all that Cajun goodness to go to waste. Well, I suffered through and consumed red beans and rice for every meal for the next few days until it was gone. Let me tell you, rehydrated red beans are probably the gassiest. At first, I thought all the farting was hilarious! But after a full day of constant farts every 5 to 10 minutes and gut-wrenching gas that felt like someone was using an air compressor to inflate my large intestine, my pucker muscle was fatigued. I just wanted it to stop and so did my wife.

I was starting to leave permanent odors on my office chair from trying to hold them in. I didn’t want to kill any office plants or cause workman’s comp cases for my co-workers. Some lessons you learn the hard way.

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