Gift-giving is hard unless it’s your spiritual gift. You know someone well, and you know what they want or need.
Random Gifts
Grab something from the front aisles of Walmart and be done.
Thoughtful Gifts
Get to know the person and see a need they have for a gift. This is probably the best gift given. Don’t forget these tips
Last-minute gifts
Stop by your local Walgreens and CVS on the way to the Christmas party and find an “As Seen on TV” item.
Remember when you needed a FastPass for the FastPass kiosk so you can get more FastPasses. That is probably the number one phrase I hear at Disney, “I’m so glad we got a FastPass”. Really? Who doesn’t want a FastPass? Why would anyone say, “I’m so glad I get to wait in this 90-minute line for a 1-minute and 30-second ride. Of course, you can use the app or book ahead of time. However, it’s not beneficial unless you stay at WDW resort and can get the FP+ for the Mine Train at 8 pm because you still don’t have the inside track on bookings. I recently visited the Magic Kingdom and I felt like I needed to get a FastPass for the trash cans, water fountains, toilet, and even to exit the park.
Genie Plus was far from perfect, but you really need maximum Disney enjoyment to become super rich and take one of those guided tours where they shuffle you in and out of rides and give you all access to the underbelly of Disney. It might be easier to fake a horrible disease, but I’m sure Disney will vet you thoroughly via DNA scans, and you can get your super cool Fastpass.
Rules don’t apply Guy – The selfie stick is banned? No problem, I’ll shove it in some crevasse to sneak it in. The guy can even sneak in a cooler with lunch for his whole crew. Somehow, he’s flying a drone over Main Street USA.
Line skipper Steve – This person will come to the front of the line when it’s time to ride. How do they accomplish this? They let someone else wait for them. Whether it be a grandmother in a scooter or a wife with a stroller he manages to let others do the waiting. Always uses the phrase. “So sorry, just catching up with my family”.
Stroller Steamroller Sally -She has the biggest stroller you’ve ever seen, and it’s her weapon to make a path through the park. Your ankles will be destroyed. It will be your fault if you are hit.
Bassackwards Bruce -He’s related to Debbie and Patty, but he will reverse course in an instant. He will at least wait until you are right behind him and carrying a beverage so that it dumps over both of you.
Single Rider Abusing Brian -Brian will use the single rider line with his family of 12 leaving his younger children to fend for themselves either in line with strangers at the gift shop.
Never Hungry Hugh -He’s always munching on something. Turkey legs, popcorn, ice cream, and he’s never hungry. Not necessarily a fat person, but a person with deep pockets and a hollow leg.
Flashy Frida – Frida likes to use her flash on a dark ride, during fireworks, or to locate someone with the strobe effect on her phone. Frida doesn’t care if the ride is supposed to be dark and spooky. She’s the only person riding.
Body Oder Bobby -BO Bo likes to sweat it up all day at the park while smelling like a tub of French onion dip. The tactic works as it frees up space around him and sometimes will make people leave the line because they will start craving wavy potato chips.
Dead Stop Debbie – She will be walking in front of you and then come to a complete stop to check for wait times. Keep a safe following distance to allow her to stop and clear a path for any Sally’s nearby.
Path Blocking Patty -She’s at the exit of a ride looking at her one of many hundreds of selfies from the previous ride. She could be waiting for the rest of her party at the Fastpass entrance. She doesn’t want you to experience the ride before her so she pleads for you to wait so her family can all ride together.
Fastpass Freddie – Always has a FastPass no matter what. Somehow he’s got a friend on the inside or is using the FastPass that he booked for his 2-year-old or wife who gets motion sick.
Wait Time Walter – Checking the wait times of other rides at other parks regretting their park pick of the day.
Instagram Izzy – Has to have that perfect pose for social media to make everyone FOMO
Virtual Queue Viola – Always has a place in line no matter if the boarding groups are full. Will stand at the entrance waiting for her time while blocking the other boarding groups that are called.
One Step Ahead Fred – This person is in front of you at the turnstile, then at the rope drop, and then the people mover. As you exit the ride and you walk as fast as you can across the park, he’s already 20 people ahead of you on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. As you are leaving, he’s already on the departing monorail. You see him walking around Hourglass Lake while you are on the skyliner. When you finally get back to your room and open your door, you can hear someone in the shower. It’s FRED!
*No, I don’t watch Hallmark Christmas Movies.
Are you the type of person who drives around with your high beams on all the time? Of course not, you are a decent human being who cares about the eyesight of others. If by chance your high beams are ignited someone will send you a friendly reminder by giving you the double high flash. Rather than just dealing with the bright light for a few seconds the person wants you to know that you are being rude by lighting up the road even more for your safety. However, if you have a newer vehicle with LED headlights, other drivers will think that you have your high beams on by default. So they will flash you.
This is where it can be fun and or dangerous. When you give them your highs, they will be like, “Oh wow, they have really good headlights”. The other reaction is they will pull in front of you, stop at the next intersection, and get out of the car and approach you. This happened to my wife when she was coming home one night. So she backed up and turned around in a driveway as the person approached her. Not sure what was going to happen, but this stuff never happens when I’m in the car.
Moral of this story? If you have a newer automobile, drive with the high beams on all the time. At least for the first year until the oxidation fogs up your lens. Don’t be a decent human being.
Fun tip: Carry a spotlight in your car to shine back. Let your kids in on the fun by shining the spotlight on a car that is flashing you from behind because you are driving the speed limit.
If a menu includes deviled eggs, they will be automatically ordered. It may seem like food to pass over (not to be confused with Passover food), but there is so much goodness in food so devilish. They are simple to make as well. The best recipe I’ve found is Ron Swanson’s Deviled Eggs. I’m unsure if he made them since he’s a fictional character, but they are good with a few modifications. Swap out the mayo for Miracle Whip, the cayenne with Reaper dust, and top each with a piece of nice, crispy bacon. The Reaper dust is so you don’t have to share.
6 hard-cooked eggs, peeled and sliced in half
1/4 cup Miracle Whip
2 dashes Chipotle Tabasco
2 slices of bacon
2 large scallions, minced
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Cayenne or Reaper Dust
But are they evil? Christians, particularly those in the American South and Midwest, often call deviled eggs by alternative names like “Dressed Eggs,” “Salad Eggs,” “Mimosa Eggs,” or “Angel Eggs” to avoid the “devil” association, with some devout families, like the Duggars, even coining unique terms like “Yellow Pocket Angel Eggs” for church potlucks. The term “deviled” historically referred to spicy foods (like mustard or pepper), not evil, but many prefer gentler, faith-based names for religious gatherings
When I was a kid I heard about the continental breakfast at the hotel we were staying at. I thought this was going to be a huge breakfast of plate tectonic proportions. Rivers of sausage gravy, bacon trays falling over like waterfalls, mountains of biscuits, and piles of scrambled eggs thick like a Tempurpedic mattress.
To my dismay, I was greeted with a tray of donuts, danishes, cereal, juice, and coffee. I guess this is food that’s available on every continent and not continental in size.
We are partial to Hilton brand hotels. We enjoy the free breakfast at the Hampton Inn and Homewood Suites takes it up a notch. Although not free, Hilton Garden Inn has a great buffet and it’s what I imagined as a child. If you really want to eat like a King of a Continental, then stay at Embassy Suites.
Which song do you get tired of first? Is it Jingle Bells, Frosty the Snowman, Winter Wonderland, Rudy the Red Nosed Reindeer? Technically, these aren’t really Christmas songs. They are more winter songs that don’t have any tethering to Christ. Watch any Hallmark Christmas movie and you will probably hear 700 different versions of Jingle Bells and by the end of the week after Thanksgiving, you are ready to quit Christmas music.
I used to prefer the Christmas “hymns”, songs about the savior which is the whole reason for the season. However, there are very few new songs and they contain terrible theology or Americanized to the point they shouldn’t even be canonized into Christmas. I stick to Christmas instrumentals now so I don’t have to hear some new artist destroy a classic by over-singing through their nostrils.
This is hands down the most condescending ad of the year and the worst gift idea simultaneously. Maybe they want to be isolated from technology. Your older family members prefer you visit them in person rather than seeing your digitized face on a screen. You can’t hug a tablet and get your oxytocin.
They don’t want to see you on a vacation they weren’t invited to. They don’t want to watch you bake cookies, they want to be in the same room with you. I know some families live far apart, but what kind of person lives far away from a family member who can’t operate an iPad. Why does it have a support feature if it’s so easy? Let me get this straight, you buy your family member a GrandPad that’s simple to use, but you won’t even help them if something goes wrong?
Another thing, if you are going to share big news about your upcoming pregnancy over Facetime video then I hope your elder family member can handle the emotional surge and doesn’t have a medical emergency right in front of you. Maybe that support button will come in handy if it ties to LifeAlert.
Just like the checkout line at Walmart, It doesn’t matter what lane you pick, it will be the slowest. Just be patient and don’t deviate from your lane. If you know you need to exit the freeway in a few miles get over to that lane. Nah forget that, ride the fastest lane all the way and squeeze in at the end even it it means crossing three lanes of traffic within a few hundred feet in congested traffic.
Daily Irritant 
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