If you are in a parking lot with many open spaces, find someone getting in or out of their car and attempt to park in the space next to them. Try to look as inconvenienced as possible.
If you see them trying to pull through the lane in front of them, back into that spot. Find someone unloading their groceries into the side of their car as they take up two lanes.
If you are unloading your groceries, leave your buggy in the space so that someone else doesn’t have to move it to the park. Time-saving tip: Just park and walk instead of waiting in that space that is only two spots closer.
Find a spot close to the front of a hotel. Have your children wait in the spot as you drop the bags off at the entrance. Come back to the spot where your children are putting their lives on the line for your convenience.
What is the fastest you feel comfortable driving? To me, it depends on the vehicle. In my current automobile, I can look down and not realize that I’m going 90mph because of the smoothness. However, in my 1991 Honda Civic, I got up to 120mph and it felt like the paint was shaking off. Sometimes keeping up with the flow of traffic even feels dangerous.
Typically I hover around 75 to 80mph, but there is always that one guy who’s in a hurry. I mean, I’m going 90mph and they are riding my bumper. I can’t even see their headlights! That is until they start swerving over the lines to get my attention in the side mirrors that I’m going too slow for them. I’m getting to the point where I move to the far right-hand lane and set the cruise control and enjoy the increased gas mileage. It’s a bonus if you can draft behind an 18 wheeler.
Those dreams are dashed as soon as you run up on someone doing 10 mph under. Then you have to release the cruise control and manually work the gas pedals and try to merge into the concrete jet stream of cars so you can get back to your coefficient drag.
4-way stop becomes a roundabout to a complete way stop.
I’m pretty excited that America has embraced roundabouts (aka, the circle of yield). However, many surrounding community members are not as pleased as I am. Some people just want it to stay the same or completely remove all the traffic signs from the intersection.
The thing is, people already treat four-way stops like roundabouts, but with less space. Rarely do you see someone completely stop at the white line? They roll up to the intersection (or just before it) and perform a synchronization of wheel rotation with the other automobiles to cease moving. A roundabout will help because it will give you more space to execute your California roll.
Roundabouts will also eliminate the need for someone to direct traffic from other lanes. It’s difficult to wave someone through while they are semi-circulating. It will also stop head-on collisions from people who are finishing up a TikTok or Facebook update about how bad traffic is. It’s difficult to speed through a roundabout, but not impossible. I’m sure someone will revert to childhood memories and try to “Dukeboy” it over the middle. That’s why we need to build children’s playgrounds in the middle of the roundabout. That way, you will truly drive like your kids play here.
Look for cars – Don’t assume we see you, if you are coming from a blind spot (say behind a bush or multi-passenger van) then you need to make sure a car is not already in the crosswalk. Don’t sprint out there in front of us.
Use the crosswalk – It’s there for your safety, it’s a clear path for you to make it safely to the other side while I’m trying to finish this blog post on WordPress mobile.
Walk in a straight line –Don’t walk diagonally from the lot to the door, again use the crosswalk it’s a great guideline.
Don’t dilly dally – I have frozen chicken in the trunk and we would prefer it was roasting on the grill and not near my spare tire.
Don’t text – your Facebook update or text message can wait until you are safely on the sidewalk.
Don’t stop – now is not the time to impress your girlfriend by showing that you have the right away and shout and throw your cigarette at my car.
Remember just because the law says you have the right of way doesn’t mean that you can walk like a zombie into oncoming traffic.
When do you let your kids out of a booster seat? Whenever I want to, that’s when. I understand safety guidelines, but how is a booster seat going to help at the rate of speed that I drive? Or as a matter of fact, someone else is driving? A crash at that speed the child might as well be sitting on a stack of glued-together phone books.
I remember lying in the front seat of my Dad’s Dodge Dart when we had a wreck, and I believe I hit the windshield. But that part is fuzzy. I turned out fine. If a child can put their feet on the floor with their back to the seat and the seatbelt doesn’t choke them, then they are ready to toss the booster seat. Not out the window because I do not believe in littering.
I recall taking a nap in the front seat of my Dad’s Dodge Dart when my father had a wreck, and I believe I hit the windshield. But that part is unclear. I turned out just fine.
*Disclaimer, don’t break the law, check your local guidelines and follow them. Or at least, don’t get caught or wreck. Oh, who cares you are going to do what you want anyway.
When do you let your kids ride in the front seat? Well, hopefully never. Maybe when they are old enough to drive. Once they make that move from the back to front, they will try to control the A/C and SiriusXM settings. We have a 100-pound rule in our state; once they reach that weight threshold, they can sit in the front seat. We figure by then they will be tall enough as well. So we have to control their diet so we don’t end up with a 100-pound 3-foot weeble wobble in the front seat. There are some stipulations.
There are two types of people when passing an accident on the roadways.
The person who says, “We should all pray for them so that everyone is safe”
The person who says, “If they survive, they should be taken to jail after they’ve been treated for their injuries. They’ve ruined my day and my plans.”
Seriously, if you are in traffic and you are approaching an accident, just GO! It’s none of your business what is going with that scene. Certainly, don’t slow down and try to look. If you do witness some gore, it will haunt you forever. Keep moving…
AKA: the pace car. Your job is to keep everyone going the speed limit. If they pass you on the right they are then breaking the law. But so are you by continually using the far left lane. Buy hey someone else will be using it if you don’t, so why shouldn’t it be you. You are trying to keep everyone safe by obeying the posted speed limit.
Middle lane(s)
This one is a bit tricky. You have to work well with others. If you can find an 18-wheeler then you are golden. Just keep pace with them and you can now block two lanes of traffic. Bonus points if they are in the far left lane.
Far right lane
Your job here is to block people from merging in and off the interstate. You don’t want people in front or behind you. Your goal is to run them into the grass or wrap them around a tree. It’s also your duty to ruin people’s cruise control pace. Try to maintain a 5 to 10 MPH under the speed limit.
HOV Lane
If your city has an HOV lane then you must use it no matter what. If you don’t want to carpool and don’t have any friends or family. By now, your driving habits should secure that status for you. You will need to construct some sort of mannequin and make it your passenger. You could just follow the rules of using the Far left lane and play dumb when you get pulled over and cause everyone to be an hour late for work.
Make your own lane
Finally, if all else fails, make your own lane. This can be driving on the lines if you have a motorcycle. You can also drive on the shoulder or medians to pass people if you are in a hurry. Above all else remember, you are the most important person on the road, so act like it!
Are you the type of person who drives with your high beams on all the time? I mean, even during the daytime, because you don’t know how to disengage them?
I have a car with LED headlights. So when an oncoming vehicle flashes my highs, I then burn their retinas with the next level brightness. These special LEDs also allow you to see inside your neighbor’s soul if they own a home at a 3-way intersection.
Some cars now have light-sensitive high beams. They will lower if there is oncoming traffic. That, of course, is optional. In my opinion, there should only be high beams. Humans will adapt; we always do.
Probably one of the worst things you can do to your family is lock the car windows and then unleash a seat warmer. When someone shouts “Roll down the windows,” say you don’t know what they mean because there are no rollers in the car.
But seriously, do you still say roll down the windows? It’s like saying rewind a YouTube video.
Daily Irritant 
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