If you still worship Saturn, then I hope you have a happy winter solstice. Many people are complaining that Christmas hijacked Saturnalia. Well, they are partially right. Christmas used to be celebrated in the springtime, but many were feeling left out by not participating in the drunken debauchery fest known as Saturnalia.
The church decided to move Christmas to December as a rival celebration. This would give Christians something else to do rather than eating and drinking until they vomited and other such merrymaking. Just to be clear, Christmas is not pagan in origin, but some winter celebrations are full-blown pagan. If anything, paganism has crept back into Christmas.
Which song do you get tired of first? Is it Jingle Bells, Frosty the Snowman, Winter Wonderland, Rudy the Red Nosed Reindeer? Technically, these aren’t really Christmas songs. They are more winter songs that don’t have any tethering to Christ. Watch any Hallmark Christmas movie and you will probably hear 700 different versions of Jingle Bells and by the end of the week after Thanksgiving, you are ready to quit Christmas music.
I used to prefer the Christmas “hymns”, songs about the savior which is the whole reason for the season. However, there are very few new songs and they contain terrible theology or Americanized to the point they shouldn’t even be canonized into Christmas. I stick to Christmas instrumentals now so I don’t have to hear some new artist destroy a classic by over-singing through their nostrils.
This is hands down the most condescending ad of the year and the worst gift idea simultaneously. Maybe they want to be isolated from technology. Your older family members prefer you visit them in person rather than seeing your digitized face on a screen. You can’t hug a tablet and get your oxytocin.
They don’t want to see you on a vacation they weren’t invited to. They don’t want to watch you bake cookies, they want to be in the same room with you. I know some families live far apart, but what kind of person lives far away from a family member who can’t operate an iPad. Why does it have a support feature if it’s so easy? Let me get this straight, you buy your family member a GrandPad that’s simple to use, but you won’t even help them if something goes wrong?
Another thing, if you are going to share big news about your upcoming pregnancy over Facetime video then I hope your elder family member can handle the emotional surge and doesn’t have a medical emergency right in front of you. Maybe that support button will come in handy if it ties to LifeAlert.
Today marks St Nicholas Day. There is no better time to teach your children about who Santa really was. We decided that we would not pretend that someone came into our house and left presents for our children. It’s not fair to them or us because why does some stranger get credit for all the good stuff? Plus, we don’t have a chimney, so how does he get in? Well, I guess it’s easier nowadays since Amazon has access to your house and can open your door and leave packages. Maybe Amazon is the new Santa?
How did I learn that Santa wasn’t real? Well, during my 2nd grade class, we all were talking about Christmas and I mentioned that Santa was bringing me some Star Wars toys. The entire class erupted in laughter and began shaming me about believing in fairy tales. You know, kids are mean and cruel, much like adults when you talk about Jesus today. When I confronted my mother, she unveiled the falsehood of Father Christmas. This created a seasonal schism that altered my holiday happiness for years to come. I don’t want that for my offspring. I want them to build lasting Christmas memories without any trauma. Well, other than what my parenting already provides.
There is a drawback to not playing along with the whole Santa song and dance. You have to be cautious that your children don’t ruin Christmas for their friends. But the main reason we teach the real Santa, is we want them to know the real Jesus. We want them to focus on the greatest gift to this world and not on trinkets that will gather rust. We didn’t want them to one day say. “If Santa isn’t real, then is God real?”
Since everyone is offended these days and it’s disrespectful to the turkey. Turkey’s have it rough, they are big, fat, and serve no other purpose than to feed large families a couple times a year.
Deep Fried Turkey
I’m not a fan of turkey. I’ve been smoking a brisket for the past few years on my Traeger. I’m not going to serve it until everyone has a heaping plate of turkey meat. Once we all sit down and I have brisket all up on my plate people will ask, Where was that? I will be like, “Ah, thought you all wanted turkey and condescended at the idea of barbecue.”
Warm up the Traeger to 225 and set it on super smoke
While the Trager is preheating, open the brisket and slather with yellow mustard and season heavily on all sides with a mix of kosher salt and coarse ground black pepper, and let set for 30 mins
Insert a probe into the thick part of the brisket and set for 165.
Place brisket (fat side up) in the center smoker with thicker end near the heat source.
Run super smoke for an hour then go to normal
Once the probe hits 165, wrap the brisket in butcher paper (think big burrito)
Return to the smoker and place it fat side up and set the probe temp to 205
Set the smoker temp to 275
Once the probe hits 205, put the brisket in a cooler to take a nap. It will stay super warm until you are ready to serve.
I start the prep around 10:30pm, get to bed around 12am, and then wrap the brisket at 5am to finish it off.
For some reason, I started asking people first if they celebrate a holiday before I give them warm wishes. Or I’ll say something like. “Well, if you celebrate Thanksgiving, then have a happy one. Otherwise, enjoy doing whatever you do with the days we mark as a national holiday”. I don’t assume everyone celebrates Thanksgiving or Christmas, to do so would be oppressive right?
It also gives me an out because if I wish someone a specified happy holiday then they have the chance to say. “Oh, I don’t celebrate that particular holiday because it’s racist or hateful towards a certain demographic”. I don’t want to hear any of that garbage. I guess I will just keep my warm wishes to myself until someone tries to offend me with their merrymaking.
Don’t let any of these retailers fool you. Black Friday happens once per year. There is no…
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The term “Black Friday” has two key origins: first, as a term used by Philadelphia police in the 1950s to describe the chaos of post-Thanksgiving shoppers, and second, the retail explanation that the day marks when stores go from being “in the red” (at a loss) to “in the black” (profitable). The Philadelphia origin was initially negative, but retailers rebranded the day in the 1980s with the more positive financial meaning as the term spread nationally. Now it means nothing.
I’m not talking from a religious but a practical perspective. Here are a few reasons to skip it.
Buying a costume
Kids get clothes for their birthdays and Christmas. Why buy them an outfit for a single day that will rip within a week after? If you must have a costume, make one out of clothes you don’t like and can go as an “ungrateful person who has too many clothes”
Buying candy
Candy is overpriced from September 1st to October 31st. However, if you want a good deal on candy, wait until November 1st and stock up. Who cares if there are pumpkin-shaped Reeses’ in your Christmas candy dish.
Having too much candy
There is too much candy in the house and it’s everywhere. It ruins your ketosis and sometimes your relationships if strategically shared.
Neighborhood gorefest
People living near you will display haunting displays of violence and paganism. You have to drive past it every time you leave to volunteer at the senior community.
Daily Irritant 
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