Category: Holidays

The Irritants Guide to 4th of July

~ SA Otey
  • Remind people that the birth of America is really July 2nd.
  • Buy fireworks 5 days in advance and buy enough to last until July 9th.
  • Begin your explosives demonstration on June 30th.
  • Drink lots of beer
  • Eat many forms of meat
  • Lose an appendage because you are too filled with meat to move away from the lit fireworks and too drunk to know that you are bleeding.
  • Put up a PTSD sign in your yard so that you can ruin the fun for your neighbors who bought a week’s supply of fireworks.
  • Also remind people that it wasn’t legit until Aug 2nd, thus extending your firework shooting period.

But seriously, if you have a problem with July 4th, just hole up in your house shut all the curtains and sit in a dark room watching movies with noise-canceling headphones like I do. Happy Holidays!

Fireworks are nice, but not after 11pm, most people are attempting to sleep after their ears have been damaged by decibels of destructive detonations. Fireworks are fantastic at first, but there’s always somebody who bought enough to obliterate a small island.

I understand the Fourth of July and New Year’s, but I think people love the excuse to play demolition expert and terrorize cul-de-sacs and side streets. Here are a few fireworks tips to help you maximize this special day.

  • Wait until it gets dark
  • Put them away at 11pm

Happy Independence Day!

What to Do (and Not Do) at Sobriety Checkpoints

~ SA Otey
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Every Memorial Day, state troopers begin setting up sobriety checkpoints to decrease the traffic flow from sloth-like to gridlock. Here is what you are supposed to do. Give the officer your license and answer their questions. Here is what you don’t do. Trust me.

  • Have a whiskey scented air freshener
  • Ask if there are any escaped convicts on the loose
  • Don’t take their picture
  • Don’t talk about their gun
  • Don’t say things like “You need a license to drive?”

Creative April Fools’ Pranks to Try

~ SA Otey
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  1. Fake lottery ticket
  2. Telling your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner you’re pregnant
  3. Telling your spouse you got fired/quit from your job
  4. Telling your spouse you want a divorce
  5. Telling someone in your family died
  6. Say the most horrible things that you can think about a person and then follow it with “April fools”.
  7. Go missing for weeks before April 1st and come back as a surprise

Is there a LOL Day?

~ SA Otey
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If there isn’t already there should be a LOL day. There is a holiday now for every occasion, so why not for LOL’s. For an entire day simply put LOLs in the comment section for all your social media friends. Don’t bother reading the posts, just put LOL. Should be fine no matter what. Don’t just type LOL, but literally LOL. I mean LOL from the belly and make everyone think you are insane just for one day of the year.

Lessons Learned from Valentine’s Day Disasters

~ SA Otey

I have a long track record of ruining Valentine’s Day. Probably the worst was when I sent my bride-to-be dead black roses. I ordered them from a fresh cut flower place online. I guess they cut them wrong. Instead of telling my fiancee that I loved her, I was sending her a message of death.

One year I didn’t realize that a certain restaurant needed reservations for Valentine’s day.  So after being mocked by the host, I ended up picking up Taco Bell. We used our wedding china, which was more romantic than The Melting Pot.

One year, I had to visit a client for work. Both of my children had fits of vomiting and diarrhea. I’m still not a VD fan, so I don’t do anything. By default, it shows neglect and is worse than even attempting it.

Who was St Valentine?

Hope you have a Joyous Leap Day

~ SA Otey

Occurrence: Leap Day, also known as February 29th, occurs once every four years, with exceptions to years divisible by 100 but not divisible by 400. This adjustment is made to keep the Gregorian calendar in alignment with the Earth’s revolutions around the sun.

Famous Leaplings: Several notable individuals were born on Leap Day, including motivational speaker Tony Robbins, and Garry Gergich, also known as Jerry, Lenny, Larry or Terry. Their birthdays are celebrated on either February 28th or March 1st in non-leap years.

Leap Year Babies: People born on Leap Day are often referred to as “leaplings” or “leapers.” Since it’s a rare occurrence, leaplings usually celebrate their birthdays on either February 28th or March 1st in non-leap years.

Origin: The concept of adding an extra day to the calendar every four years traces back to the ancient Roman calendar, which originally had only 355 days. The extra day was added to synchronize the calendar with the solar year.

Benefits of Leap Day

  • Extra Day Off (Salaried Employee) – Since you get paid a yearly salary then technically this day isn’t covered.
  • Extra Work Day (Contract Employees)
  • Extra Day to Celebrate Black History Month