Remember when you needed a FastPass for the FastPass kiosk so you can get more FastPasses. That is probably the number one phrase I hear at Disney, “I’m so glad we got a FastPass”. Really? Who doesn’t want a FastPass? Why would anyone say, “I’m so glad I get to wait in this 90-minute line for a 1-minute and 30-second ride. Of course, you can use the app or book ahead of time. However, it’s not beneficial unless you stay at WDW resort and can get the FP+ for the Mine Train at 8 pm because you still don’t have the inside track on bookings. I recently visited the Magic Kingdom and I felt like I needed to get a FastPass for the trash cans, water fountains, toilet, and even to exit the park.
Genie Plus was far from perfect, but you really need maximum Disney enjoyment to become super rich and take one of those guided tours where they shuffle you in and out of rides and give you all access to the underbelly of Disney. It might be easier to fake a horrible disease, but I’m sure Disney will vet you thoroughly via DNA scans, and you can get your super cool Fastpass.
Rules don’t apply Guy – The selfie stick is banned? No problem, I’ll shove it in some crevasse to sneak it in. The guy can even sneak in a cooler with lunch for his whole crew. Somehow, he’s flying a drone over Main Street USA.
Line skipper Steve – This person will come to the front of the line when it’s time to ride. How do they accomplish this? They let someone else wait for them. Whether it be a grandmother in a scooter or a wife with a stroller he manages to let others do the waiting. Always uses the phrase. “So sorry, just catching up with my family”.
Stroller Steamroller Sally -She has the biggest stroller you’ve ever seen, and it’s her weapon to make a path through the park. Your ankles will be destroyed. It will be your fault if you are hit.
Bassackwards Bruce -He’s related to Debbie and Patty, but he will reverse course in an instant. He will at least wait until you are right behind him and carrying a beverage so that it dumps over both of you.
Single Rider Abusing Brian -Brian will use the single rider line with his family of 12 leaving his younger children to fend for themselves either in line with strangers at the gift shop.
Never Hungry Hugh -He’s always munching on something. Turkey legs, popcorn, ice cream, and he’s never hungry. Not necessarily a fat person, but a person with deep pockets and a hollow leg.
Flashy Frida – Frida likes to use her flash on a dark ride, during fireworks, or to locate someone with the strobe effect on her phone. Frida doesn’t care if the ride is supposed to be dark and spooky. She’s the only person riding.
Body Oder Bobby -BO Bo likes to sweat it up all day at the park while smelling like a tub of French onion dip. The tactic works as it frees up space around him and sometimes will make people leave the line because they will start craving wavy potato chips.
Dead Stop Debbie – She will be walking in front of you and then come to a complete stop to check for wait times. Keep a safe following distance to allow her to stop and clear a path for any Sally’s nearby.
Path Blocking Patty -She’s at the exit of a ride looking at her one of many hundreds of selfies from the previous ride. She could be waiting for the rest of her party at the Fastpass entrance. She doesn’t want you to experience the ride before her so she pleads for you to wait so her family can all ride together.
Fastpass Freddie – Always has a FastPass no matter what. Somehow he’s got a friend on the inside or is using the FastPass that he booked for his 2-year-old or wife who gets motion sick.
Wait Time Walter – Checking the wait times of other rides at other parks regretting their park pick of the day.
Instagram Izzy – Has to have that perfect pose for social media to make everyone FOMO
Virtual Queue Viola – Always has a place in line no matter if the boarding groups are full. Will stand at the entrance waiting for her time while blocking the other boarding groups that are called.
One Step Ahead Fred – This person is in front of you at the turnstile, then at the rope drop, and then the people mover. As you exit the ride and you walk as fast as you can across the park, he’s already 20 people ahead of you on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. As you are leaving, he’s already on the departing monorail. You see him walking around Hourglass Lake while you are on the skyliner. When you finally get back to your room and open your door, you can hear someone in the shower. It’s FRED!
When I was a kid I heard about the continental breakfast at the hotel we were staying at. I thought this was going to be a huge breakfast of plate tectonic proportions. Rivers of sausage gravy, bacon trays falling over like waterfalls, mountains of biscuits, and piles of scrambled eggs thick like a Tempurpedic mattress.
To my dismay, I was greeted with a tray of donuts, danishes, cereal, juice, and coffee. I guess this is food that’s available on every continent and not continental in size.
We are partial to Hilton brand hotels. We enjoy the free breakfast at the Hampton Inn and Homewood Suites takes it up a notch. Although not free, Hilton Garden Inn has a great buffet and it’s what I imagined as a child. If you really want to eat like a King of a Continental, then stay at Embassy Suites.
Everyone loves a guest who shows up with plans to stay for several days/weeks.
Eat whatever you want
I’m sure they won’t miss the small cake in the freezer. Look for an expensive bottle of wine your host has been saving for their first anniversary. Leave your slop trough of a plate on the counter, you are a guest, you shouldn’t have to do dishes on your vacation.
Go to bed Late
Watch whatever you want when your host goes to bed. Hopefully, they don’t have a passcode on their pay-per-view. Now would be a good time to make some popcorn.
Sleep in
As you hear the clanging of pans with your breakfast being prepared, yell from your quarters about how you are trying to get some shuteye. They must know that you’re exhausted from watching all those movies last night.
Snoop Around
If they leave you alone for any amount of time, it’s a good opportunity to get to know them better by finding what they are hiding.
Smoke Cigarettes / Vape
If you don’t get a chance to stink up the guest room be sure to leave your butts in the flower garden. Be sure to tell the families, kids, that smoking is bad for as a urea plume is bellowing from your face cavity.
Stay as long as you want
Usually, after three days people start to feel uncomfortable with a guest being in their home. This is not your problem, start complaining about some of your favorites you’ve been eating and how someone needs to go to the store.
There is no need for a Lighting Lane if you want to watch some concrete set at the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World. I’ll come back in seven years to check on it. Not everything has a Lighting Lane at Walt Disney World, but some spots should. Here are a few ideas.
Bathrooms – Sometimes the sphincter muscles will not hold diarrhea at the doorstep. Some people would gladly exchange their Seven Dwarfs Mine Train pass for a luxury stall with Cottonelle wipes. Yes, your magic band would unlock the stall door.
Monorail – After a long day, nothing is more discouraging than waiting in a long cattle corral to board a bacteria tube filled with an unknown virus variant. Of course, if you have a motorized cart, you get an automatic Lighting Lane, but you don’t want to fake a disability.
Trams
After priority deboarding of the ferryboat or monorail, you should be able to choose your lightning lane for an express tram to the parking lot.
Quick Service Restaurants
Still not quick enough, you need your own lane to avoid people who continue to stand in line and have decision indecision over burgers or chicken strips.
First Aid
Sometimes you need contact lens solution, sometimes you need a bandaid, sometimes you need a tourniquet.
If we are being a bit more honest you would write what you really feel about hotels.
Arrive
As you enter the parking lot you will be greeted by a kids football game. Kids popping into existence chasing a bouncing football in random directions. People will park their luggage carts in the driving path under the check-in canopy, creating their own personal unloading or loading zone.
Entry
Can’t find a luggage cart because they are all left on random floors near the elevator and not returned to the lobby.
Room
The Digital Key doesn’t work, and the physical key doesn’t work. There are no real keys anymore, so you must pace back and forth to the front desk trying out different keys. The digital key starts working once you get back to your room.
Breakfast
There are a few people that will dominate the breakfast bar. They lay out several plates, using both waffle makers, and preparing a meal for their kids who are engrossed in their tablets with the giant rubber case. A person is creating a masterpiece concoction at the coffee bar mixing their drink while others are waiting to grab some hot water for their instant grits.
Bed
If you know what short sheeting is then just about every hotel does this. You have to almost drive a wedge under the bottom sheet to get your feet in there. If you don’t ask you will get two pillows per bed.
Shower
If it’s a curtain then it will find a way to stick to your body. If it’s a glass door it will not be sealed so the water goes all over the floor.
Microwave
It’s a gamble if it works or not. The rotation ring will be missing so the glass plate will bang around in there jostling your Orville Redenbacher Movie Theater popcorn
Alarm clock
There is usually an alarm clock in the room that doesn’t have a dimmer and will illuminate the room once you try to fall asleep. A previous tenant probably set the alarm for a 3am wake-up to get to the airport.
Nonadjustable air conditioner
The A/C unit will have all the buttons disabled so you have to control it from the wall. The constant fan is usually the first feature that doesn’t work. No white noise for you.
Checkout
Don’t bother hanging the do not disturb on the doorknob and try to sleep in. Because housekeeping is ready to clean up your filth with a wrap on the door at 8am.
When your toilet paper is folded, you know that your resort really cares. It’s nice to find this because you are getting an unviolated roll. Unless someone finished wiping and this is how they tore the last piece. I wonder if this is something employees are trained to do or is this something they do on their own?
Whenever you take a vacation and then decide to share photos or videos via social media you will have one of your pals say one of these gems…
I wish I could afford a vacation.
Well, maybe if you weren’t so terrible with your budget, you could. This is the worst kind of comment because they are trying to add a guilt trip leg to your itinerary. I get it, some can’t afford vacations, but you shouldn’t try to make others feel bad for enjoying themselves. The point is, don’t share your life on social media
Put me in your suitcase
That’s impossible and illegal. Plus, you might die of suffocation in the overhead compartment.
Drink an alcoholic beverage for me
That’s also impossible; it’s like asking someone to go urinate for you. We aren’t that close, and I’m not going to apply a catheter for you.
I wasn’t invited
No, you weren’t because this is my vacation. If you wanted to go with us, then we should have planned ahead, and you could have purchased your very own ticket. That is, if you’ve budgeted properly.
You should have done “X”
There is always someone who’s taken the same trip as you and attempts to induce FOMO feelings of “you’ve missed something crucial that would have made your vacation 1000 times better”. Sucks to be you.
There used to be a shortcut to Storybook Circus beside Space Mountain. The path was lined with outcast smokers who were escaping frantic park-goers by calming themselves with a blast of hotboxed nicotine. You had to be mindful if you took your kids down this path of potential inhalations. They would get about a month’s worth of 2nd and 3rd hand smoke, which may have been enough of a taste to lead them to become lifelong smokers. In honor of that special spot, there is now a line of smokers waiting a the Tron rider out of the eye line of cast members. Smokers never give up; smokers find a way.
I don’t know if you ever could, but I know you can’t drink alcohol at the Magic Kingdom. You can still booze it up at Epcot, Animal Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios and then head on over to Magic Kingdom. However, it doesn’t stop smokers with cigarettes of an electronic nature. No, that’s not pixie dust, it’s vapor clouds.
I’ve noticed that there is a sense of anxiety in theme park parking lots. Everyone is in such a hurry to get one extra car ahead. So much to almost cause fatal car accidents. Stop and yield sign lose their meaning. Flashing signs that indicate your speed only seem to make you want to get a higher number. For what? One extra parking spot closer to the tram ride? Is vehicular homicide worth it?
Remember when you needed a FastPass for the FastPass kiosk so you can get more FastPasses. That is probably the number one phrase I hear at Disney, “I’m so glad we got a FastPass”. Really? Who doesn’t want a FastPass? Why would anyone say, “I’m so glad I get to wait in this 90-minute line for a 1-minute and 30-second ride. Of course, you can use the app or book ahead of time. However, it’s not beneficial unless you stay at WDW resort and can get the FP+ for the Mine Train at 8 pm because you still don’t have the inside track on bookings. I recently visited the Magic Kingdom and I felt like I needed to get a FastPass for the trash cans, water fountains, toilet, and even to exit the park.
When I was a kid I heard about the continental breakfast at the hotel we were staying at. I thought this was going to be a huge breakfast of plate tectonic proportions. Rivers of sausage gravy, bacon trays falling over like waterfalls, mountains of biscuits, and piles of scrambled eggs thick like a Tempurpedic mattress.
Daily Irritant 
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