There have been a few times when I felt like my bladder would stretch beyond capacity and burst inside my body. However, there is one time that stands out more than most. On the first anniversary of my marriage, my spouse and I decided to visit Orlando, Florida, for the first time together. Little did she know that it would soon become an obsession, and I would want to go every year or maybe even move there.
During this time in my life, I was very successful in losing weight with diet, exercise, and a pill called Xenadrine which was a diuretic. I also drank a couple of 20-oz Diet Mountain Dews that morning. Needless to say, fluids would eventually need to exit my body. We were driving through South Carolina when the urge began to build. It’s one of those times when you say to yourself, “I can make it one more exit”. Well, the last time I said that, I must have missed the sign that said next rest area 1000 miles.
We finally made it to the Georgia welcome center, and I must have urinated for 20 minutes. If you have kids, stop at every rest area; it’s good for you to stretch your legs and for them to empty their bladders. Otherwise, they will need to go 20 minutes before you get home, and there is nowhere to stop except that gas station where people are murdered in. Plus, you don’t want them to pee on the side of the road and end up in jail for public urination.
I had several people recommend Hattie B’s so I had to try it. I’ve been a chili head since I was a teenager, so I had to go for the top rung of “Shut the Cluck Up” Hot Chicken. I’ll admit it was very hot. My body had an instant reaction, I started to hiccup and my eyeballs turned red and began to leak capsicum. The piece of bread underneath was disintegrated into a pool of grease and fire juice. There were a few pickle chips as well, but at that point, I couldn’t feel my face so my taste buds were dysfunctional.
The real “wake-up call” came the next day at 6am. I’m so glad I had the foreknowledge to pack some Cottonelle wipes, it literally saved my behind from the exit wounds. Doesn’t matter how much of a heat tolerance your upper orifice can handle, the lower one is never able to compensate.
Tip: Order the Damn Hot and Shut the Cluck Up, eat the Damn Hot First, the second doesn’t seem as bad
A father-son trip full of sunshine, surf, and just enough chaos to keep it interesting.
Some vacations are all about relaxation. Ours was about testing the limits of patience, horsepower, and my ability to keep hold of a water bottle in public. Over the course of a week in San Diego, my son and I enjoyed perfect weather, stunning beaches, and unforgettable food — all while surviving airport drama, rental car roulette, and a finale that involved ghosts on the interstate.
Here’s how it went down…
Part 1: The Epic Journey West My son and I started our adventure with a flight from Charleston to Atlanta, where I decided to become the moving sidewalk entertainment. My water bottle made multiple breakaway runs down the belt, startling everyone within a 20-foot radius. If there’s an Olympic sport for “Airport Object Fumble,” I’d have at least made the finals.
The cross-country flight to San Diego was long, but landing in a time zone three hours behind made it feel like we’d gained a bonus day. Nothing like waking up in South Carolina and still making it to California in time for lunch.
Part 2: The Rental Car Hunger Games As soon as we got off the plane, we saw people casually strolling onto the car rental shuttle. Security promptly yelled at us to get in line — behind 50 other people. I asked, “What about the eight people who just walked on? Sounds like you need to tighten your security.”
Part 3: The Payless Powerless Experience At Payless Car Rental (spoiler alert: don’t), I had booked a “Manager’s Special,” which promised a Chrysler 300 or similar. Instead, we got a Mitsubishi Mirage — a 3-cylinder lawnmower disguised as a car, with a whopping 75 horsepower. I paid the same price.
Clown car
We did agree to pay for a full tank at $4 per gallon (local rate: $4.79). Great deal. Except when we drove away, we noticed full-size cars just sitting in the lot like sad, neglected orphans.
Part 4: The Calm Before the Comedy Storm We checked into our hotel after stopping at Nico’s for an authentic California burrito — a culinary masterpiece that could solve most international conflicts. Then we strolled along Ocean Beach, watching surfers compete like they were auditioning for a soda commercial. We stocked up on snacks for the week. It was bliss.
Part 5: Beaches, Baseball, and the Otey Jinx The next day we hit La Jolla Beach. My son skimboarded, I took photos and videos, and the weather was perfect. Then we went to Petco Park to watch the Padres take on the Mets. The Mets were on an eight-game winning streak. I showed up, and they promptly lost — and then went on to lose six more games after that. You’re welcome, Padres fans.
My view
Part 6: Lions, Tigers, and Double-Doubles We followed up with the San Diego Zoo (world-class, by the way) and then my very first In-N-Out Burger experience — a glorious double-double tray. We checked into our flight home, returned to the hotel after watching the sun set into the Pacific Ocean at Carlsbad Beach, and went to bed feeling like travel champions.
Part 7: Tsunami, Traffic, and Total Travel Taxation Departure day started with a cheery news update: a Russian earthquake had triggered a possible tsunami for the West Coast. This delayed our flight just enough for us to miss our connection to Charleston.
Then, while packing the car, my key slipped into the seat and the door closed, locking it inside. The locksmith took 45 minutes to arrive, 30 seconds to open the door, and charged me $165 for the privilege (after quoting me $80).
We still aimed for one last In-N-Out double-double, but got stuck in apocalyptic traffic. That 30-minute delay meant we returned the Mirage late — and got hit with a $15 fee.
Part 8: The Great Delta Debacle At the San Diego airport, I called Delta to get a refund for the final leg to Charleston and to book a rental car for the ATL-to-home drive. They said “No problem, we’ll reimburse you because of the delay.”
Except when it was time to board… Delta had canceled my entire trip. My comfy aisle seat? Gone. I was rebooked into a middle seat for the four-hour flight back to Atlanta.
When we landed in ATL, we had to wait out a fire delay on the airport shuttle before even getting to the rental car place. I asked for the full-size car I’d booked, and they handed me a Nissan Altima. Hey, at least it had more horsepower than the Mirage — I could almost feel the wind in my hair.
We hit the road with an ETA of 4:30 a.m. It was actually a nice ride — my son and I talked about everything under the sun until he fell asleep, which triggered “Super Alert Dad Mode.” I started seeing what I can only describe as interdimensional beings darting across the highway.
Once home, we napped before work, returned the rental car, and then I got an email from Delta: “We will not be reimbursing your rental car, but we have issued you a $70 refund for the canceled flight.” Almost broke even… if you ignore all the math.
Moral of the Story: Don’t let your return trip ruin the good memories you made. Even if it involves tsunamis, Mirage-level horsepower, and paranormal highway creatures.
Travel Tips I Learned the Hard Way
Never trust “Manager’s Special” — It’s code for “We’re giving you a car with the acceleration of a hair dryer.”
Airport water bottles are like toddlers — If you set them down for even a second, they will run away in public and humiliate you.
Don’t argue with rental car shuttle security — They are not here for logic. They are here for dominance.
Earthquakes don’t care about your connecting flight — Nature is the ultimate gate agent.
Locksmith math — $80 on the phone = $165 in person. The $85 is for showing up with a tool.
In-N-Out will test your willpower — The traffic is bad, but the burger is worth questioning your life choices.
Middle seats are where joy goes to die — Especially after you paid for the aisle.
If your kid falls asleep on a late-night drive — Prepare to meet every ghost, shadow person, and cryptid your imagination can create.
Disney’s newest pirate-themed lounge is ready to welcome EPCOT Drink Around the World guests starting August 29, 2025. The Beak and Barrel brings swashbuckling fun to Magic Kingdom with an immersive Pirates of the Caribbean experience featuring tropical drinks, tasty bites, and nautical entertainment.
What to Expect
This family-friendly pirate pub offers something for every buccaneer:
Themed beverages for all ages, including creative non-alcoholic options like the mysterious Treasure Trove and cookies-and-cream inspired Cursed Treasure
Adventurous food ranging from octopus tentacle salad (Kraken’s Catch) to cheesy corn griddle cakes
Specialty cocktails with Caribbean flair, featuring unique ingredients like ube, hibiscus, and mezcal
Exclusive draft beers and wines from around the world
Interactive entertainment including sing-alongs and storytelling
Don’t Miss These Highlights
Siren’s Whisper: A captivating blue cocktail inspired by the Fountain of Youth
Plunderer’s Punch: Comes in a limited souvenir pirate skull mug (one per guest)
Island Provisions: Shareable Caribbean-inspired appetizers perfect for crews
Plan Your Visit
Reservations open August 14, so mark your calendars! Whether you’re a seasoned swashbuckler or budding buccaneer, The Beak and Barrel promises an unforgettable adventure across the Seven Seas.
When I say coolest rides, I mean rides that you can sit down and cool off. These are not necessarily fun rides but rides when you need a break from the heat and crowds and want to relax a bit. Here are my go-to rides that have relatively low wait-to-ride ratios.
Carousel of Progress
Large air-conditioned theater, low lights, and a nice view of the evolution of technology for the upper-middle-class family. I have noticed that people will get up in the middle of the ride and exit, which will prompt the PA announcer to bellow out hateful instructions to park their can in the seat. But this is my go-to ride on when I’m exhausted, it’s the most comfortable.
Haunted Mansion
Again, cold and dark, but a bit funky smelling. One portion of the ride even reclines so that you can stretch out a bit. Very relaxing until that hitchhiker at the end removes your noggin.
People Mover
It’s air-conditioned the old-fashioned way, wind! Pretty comfortable and they will let you stay on if it’s not to busy. Sit back, put your feet up, and don’t forget to WOOO! when you enter Space Mountain.
Hall of Presidents
Another great show with some history, ignore the massive revisionist history. Just enjoy the show and the people booing Barack Obama and Donald Trump robots.
Disney World Railroad
Best if you ride in the evening and get some more of that wind air conditioning. You can ride as long as you like and it makes a nice alternative to walking from Frontier Land to Main Street at the end of the day.
There is another type of airline passenger that is even more annoying than the “first classer”. It’s the passenger next to you who doesn’t listen. If you pick an aisle seat you end up being their personal ambassador to the flight attendant. Here are a few of their trademark characteristics.
Opens the tray table upon arriving at their seat.
Also reclines their seat
Keeps their phone active after several attempts by the flight attendant to switch to airplane mode.
Uses noise-canceling headphones so they don’t hear the snack options and they have to be repeated
Goes to the bathroom once the plane starts to land or begins takeoff.
Reclines seat upon takeoff after flight attendant has sat down
Opens tray table and returns to text messaging.
Unbuckles seatbelt as soon as the plane’s wheels touch the runway.
It’s like they’ve never flown before. These are the type of people who will be asking how to inflate their life vest once they are swimming away from the fuselage.
First of all, pets are not children, they are animals. Yes, children are technically animals but they are a higher class and they eventually can clean up their own feces. Dogs can not pick up their own poop unless you consider eating feces cleaning up. Thankfully, my children have never eaten their own excrement, that I know of.
More and more I’m seeing dogs in strollers and in baby carriers at airports. People are using “service dogs” for all sorts of reasons. There are people who actually need service dogs and I understand that. But some people are severely allergic to dogs. If you are sitting near a dog, you are going to have a bad flight, especially if the dog takes a dump in the seat.
Bumper stickers are taking shots at parents by saying that their dog is smarter than their honor student. Nonsense, let’s see your dog use a pencil and write their name or enter a spelling bee. Women proudly display “Dog Mom” on their cars, but we already have another name for that and it probably fits the bill.
Honestly, I wish raising kids was as easy as having a pet, but it’s not nearly as rewarding. Kids are awesome and not just because they don’t eat their own feces.
I noticed an airline pilot sitting down to dinner at the airport. He was opening up a bag of McDonald’s food. My initial reaction was concern because it made me think that this person didn’t make good decisions.
However, a salad emerged from the brown sack. I was relieved for a moment because now I thought, maybe he’s not that bad of a decision-maker after all. But then again, who goes to McDonald’s for a salad when there are so many other healthy options?
Then it occurred to me that the pilot is budget savvy. Then I thought, why am I staring at this pilot while he eats his dinner?
Remember when Disney had the “human trafficking” scene in the popular Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland and Magic Kingdom? Yes, the ride that features pirates. Just look up what real pirates have done in the past. So if you really think about it, the whole ride should be shut down. This scene was removed and replaced with a lady pirate with red hair trying to move Rum to keep the men drunk. However, the war-mongering, torture, arson, thievery, drunkenness, and domestic violence toward men scenes will stay.
Daily Irritant 
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