If you take baby Jesus out of the day 24 box, what do you do about the wise men? They didn’t show up until Jesus was a toddler. Do you just keep the calendar out all year? I try to set my Advent Calendar up as follows.
Today marks St Nicholas Day. There is no better time to teach your children about who Santa really was. We decided that we would not pretend that someone came into our house and left presents for our children. It’s not fair to them or us because why does some stranger get credit for all the good stuff? Plus, we don’t have a chimney, so how does he get in? Well, I guess it’s easier nowadays since Amazon has access to your house and can open your door and leave packages. Maybe Amazon is the new Santa?
How did I learn that Santa wasn’t real? Well, during my 2nd grade class, we all were talking about Christmas and I mentioned that Santa was bringing me some Star Wars toys. The entire class erupted in laughter and began shaming me about believing in fairy tales. You know, kids are mean and cruel, much like adults when you talk about Jesus today. When I confronted my mother, she unveiled the falsehood of Father Christmas. This created a seasonal schism that altered my holiday happiness for years to come. I don’t want that for my offspring. I want them to build lasting Christmas memories without any trauma. Well, other than what my parenting already provides.
There is a drawback to not playing along with the whole Santa song and dance. You have to be cautious that your children don’t ruin Christmas for their friends. But the main reason we teach the real Santa, is we want them to know the real Jesus. We want them to focus on the greatest gift to this world and not on trinkets that will gather rust. We didn’t want them to one day say. “If Santa isn’t real, then is God real?”
Everyone loves a guest who shows up with plans to stay for several days/weeks.
Eat whatever you want
I’m sure they won’t miss the small cake in the freezer. Look for an expensive bottle of wine your host has been saving for their first anniversary. Leave your slop trough of a plate on the counter, you are a guest, you shouldn’t have to do dishes on your vacation.
Go to bed Late
Watch whatever you want when your host goes to bed. Hopefully, they don’t have a passcode on their pay-per-view. Now would be a good time to make some popcorn.
Sleep in
As you hear the clanging of pans with your breakfast being prepared, yell from your quarters about how you are trying to get some shuteye. They must know that you’re exhausted from watching all those movies last night.
Snoop Around
If they leave you alone for any amount of time, it’s a good opportunity to get to know them better by finding what they are hiding.
Smoke Cigarettes / Vape
If you don’t get a chance to stink up the guest room be sure to leave your butts in the flower garden. Be sure to tell the families, kids, that smoking is bad for as a urea plume is bellowing from your face cavity.
Stay as long as you want
Usually, after three days people start to feel uncomfortable with a guest being in their home. This is not your problem, start complaining about some of your favorites you’ve been eating and how someone needs to go to the store.
Elf – There is a debate if Will Ferrel is funny or not. I think he’s probably the funniest in this movie and peaked here.
Christmas Vacation – Been watching this every year since 1990. I didn’t see it the first year it was out because all my friends went to the movies and didn’t bother inviting me. I am no longer friends with that “ringleader” for several reasons.
Die Hard – Saw this when I was a kid and I still watch it every year. Opening gifts and shouting “Yippee Ki Yay MF’er” makes for an interesting morning.
Lethal Weapon – Another Holiday favorite, who doesn’t enjoy Gary Busey’s wrist roasting on an open fire.
Iron Man 3 – I was pumped when I saw Holiday Trees in this movie. Also lots of roasting on open fire references as well as the secret Santa for the barn lab at the end (spoiler)
Shazam! The gift of superpowers and a new family makes it a holiday hit!
Jurassic World The ultimate Christmas Vacation where the zoo animals feast upon you.
Lord of the Rings, Hobbit, Harry Potter – While not technically Christmas movies they did come out at Christmas time so it counts. The same goes for Star Wars The Force Awakens, The Last Jedi, and The Rise of Skywalker.
The Bourne Identity – Follow Jason as he goes on a quest to remember where he hid the Christmas presents.
Find a good hiding spot to get away from the crowds
Well, the title can be misleading, as a recovering introvert, you will be exposed to more people than you will ever experience in your entire existence. You will have to set aside your need for quiet, conformity, and perfectionism. This will be messy, but here are my best tips.
I don’t care how much it costs, don’t be a cheap wad. Staying on property is worth every penny. You get a fantastic themed room, great bus service, and free parking if you get tired of someone’s butt in your face after you’ve raced to get a seat on the transport. I recommend booking a Skyliner resort as well. Just don’t stay until the park closes, otherwise, you will be waiting in one of those cattle corrals for over an hour.
Take a small bag, but only one.
Dads, haul the bag through security and let your family browse the overpriced items near the entrance. It’s a bad idea to have everyone bring a bag. Your wife will thank you for leaving her purse in the car. I use a small sling pack that can hold tons of stuff. What to put in the bag? Keep reading. You don’t need much.
Bring a refillable water bottle.
Preferably one that is vacuum sealed so it keeps ice all day. Most places will give you ice and you can fill up your bottle at any number of water fountains.
Bring sunscreen
Just a small refillable applicator and face stick. You will get burned in more than one way
Camera with zoom.
Preferably an SLR with longer optical zoom. It’s a little extra weight, but worth the pain because of the quality of the photos. The photographers there will even use your fancy pants camera because they appreciate your effort. Plus you can get photo tips from them as well. Just don’t take that big camera every day, just on those days when you plan out your iconic photos. If you can get a deal on the Disney photo pass, DO IT, I regret not just forking over the dough and getting all those great shots.
Enjoy the park food
Pack only a few snacks for when you or your family gets hangry. Beef Jerky, Slim Jims, Nuts, Granola bars something with protein, stuff that won’t melt. Enjoy the food in the park as much as you can. Again don’t be cheap, eat and enjoy the park food. Book a nice sit-down restaurant too.
Lightening Lanes
No brainer, get it for later in the day and head for the rides you want first as soon as the ropes drop. For instance, hit the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train or Tron first (Magic Kingdom) and then use your lightening lane later. Or just visit all the other rides while people pile on the most popular ones. You can book your LLs 7 days before your trip. You’ve already spent so much money what’s a few dollars more?
Stay at least 3 days
Spend at least an entire day at each park, but 3 will do. Most people skimp on the Animal Kingdom, but there is plenty to do. It’s not all about thrill rides. Thrill your brain and learn some stuff. Also, try to visit during Christmas time, the Magic Kingdom is way better when all the sights, sounds, and music of Christmas are up and running.
Get the park hopper option
We go to the Magic Kingdom every evening after we’ve exhausted our time at other parks. There is nothing quite like the Magic Kingdom at night.
Take care of your feet!
I can’t stress this enough, you will be walking miles per day. My personal best is 14 miles in a single day. Wear proper fitting and breathable shoes. Wear anti-friction socks and let them air out when you get back to the hotel. I managed to remain blister-free on my last two trips. Leave the flip-flop and slides at the hotel for the pool.
Also, don’t ride the haunted mansion first if you have small children.
There’s a hot new trend in smartphone usage. People have ditched traditional earbuds and Bluetooth earpieces to let everyone in on the conversation.
There are several ways to talk on your speakerphone. You can hold it directly in front of your face similar to looking into a mirror. You can hold it like you are eating a pop tart and shout into the bottom of the phone. The most creative I’ve seen is tucking it into your shirt at the shoulder so the mic is near your mouth.
Remember to speak at a higher volume into the speakerphone, like it’s on the other side of the room.
I think it’s a neat idea to shop local, but not for long. I think that all customer service reps, or anyone that is responsible for answering phones, need to take acting classes. If you are having a bad day and use a sarcastic tone or interrupt the person calling then your superiors need to know about how you are ruining their business. Local shops won’t last much longer, you can’t compete with robots that take your orders and ship things to your door in 2 days.
There is no need for a Lighting Lane if you want to watch some concrete set at the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World. I’ll come back in seven years to check on it. Not everything has a Lighting Lane at Walt Disney World, but some spots should. Here are a few ideas.
Bathrooms – Sometimes the sphincter muscles will not hold diarrhea at the doorstep. Some people would gladly exchange their Seven Dwarfs Mine Train pass for a luxury stall with Cottonelle wipes. Yes, your magic band would unlock the stall door.
Monorail – After a long day, nothing is more discouraging than waiting in a long cattle corral to board a bacteria tube filled with an unknown virus variant. Of course, if you have a motorized cart, you get an automatic Lighting Lane, but you don’t want to fake a disability.
Trams
After priority deboarding of the ferryboat or monorail, you should be able to choose your lightning lane for an express tram to the parking lot.
Quick Service Restaurants
Still not quick enough, you need your own lane to avoid people who continue to stand in line and have decision indecision over burgers or chicken strips.
First Aid
Sometimes you need contact lens solution, sometimes you need a bandaid, sometimes you need a tourniquet.
It can be addictive and expensive. As Black Friday deals are tempting, you have to be careful and cautious of a few things.
First, you buy a new 4K TV, then you have no 4K content. So what do you do? You go buy a 4K Movie Player with a few movies. Then you find out that your audio receiver isn’t 4K compatible with your new player and TV. So you have to buy a new receiver. Oops, your old HDMI cables don’t support Dolby Atmos or DTS-X. Oh yeah, when you have to pull out and re-fish all the wires into the walls because you are a neat freak that doesn’t like to see cables hanging from your mounted TV. Oh yeah, the TV is heavy, get a buddy to help lift it so you don’t herniate a disk.
Daily Irritant 
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